The Abominable Dr. Phibes (1971)

A superbly macabre and strange horror film. It doesn't make a great deal of sense but then again doesn't really have to.

Eminent doctors are suffering mysterious deaths, including being killed by bats and even frozen to death. Trout of the Yard (Peter Jeffrey) discovers that there is a link. All of the doctors were present when the wife (Caroline Munro) of Dr Phibes (Vincent Price) was killed. However, he is supposed to have died too. With the help of the chief surgeon in the Phibes operation Dr Vesalius (Joseph Cotten), Trout discovers that Phibes is alive after all. Well in a way.

In reality Phibes is a bizarre half-dead creature who can only speak via gramophone and wears a full Vincent Price prosthetic face. He plays the organ in his wonderful Art Deco lair, accompanied by a clockwork orchestra, while planning and celebrating his hideous Biblical inspired killings.

A wonderfully campy and weird horror. Quite how a dead man was able to conduct such elaborate and audacious killings is never explained, but this isn't a film for worrying about such mere details! So over the top it does verge on self-parody but incredible stuff.

The Plastic Age (1925)

A college-age love story that won't uproot any trees but is a decent enough watch.

Hugh (Donald Keith) is a freshman at college, keen on his studies and sports. Then he meets Cynthia (Clara Bow) and falls in love. Studies, sports and dating Clara Bow pushes Hugh a step too far as she introduces him to booze, dancing and back seat fumbles. Something is going to have to give especially as the big game is coming up (of course)...

So, this is all rather formulaic all down to the parental disapproval and eventual redemption. What rises this film above the pack are the performances especially from Bow and the supporting cast. This was Clara Bow's first hit film.

Hawk the Slayer (1980)

A baffling and rather low-energy sword and sorcery tale.

Hawk (John Terry) and Voltan (Jack Palance) are brothers (big age gap). While Hawk is a bold hero though Voltan is a deformed and evil villain who kills their father and Hawk's fiancé. He also kidnaps the Abbess (Annett Crosbie) for ransom as he needs gold for a mysterious wizard who is aiding him. Hawk assembles a team of stereotypes including a strongman giant (Bernard Bresslaw), an elf (Ray Charleson) and a dwarf (Peter O'Farrell). They then arrive at the Abbey and... well not much else happens until the final showdown.

The low budget and lack of much action (much of it helpfully smothered in smoke) is a true marvel, only matched by Palance on over drive. He obviously decided to go for the world record for over the top bad guys in this film and certainly succeeded.

For all of it's many flaws, this is a fun film with a heavy amount of cheese.

The Dawn Patrol (1938)

The heroism and oblivion of the conflict in the air in World War 1.

Major Brand's (Basil Rathbone) Royal Flying Corps squadron is fighting hard above the Western front but the losses are mounting, and the replacements are getting ever younger and less experienced. His top airmen Courtney (Errol Flynn) and Scott (David Niven) somehow manage to survive though the odds are getting tougher. The airmen face the dangers with a mixture of stiff upper lip stoicism, some tears and lots of booze...

A truly great war film with a top rank cast, showing the horrors, humanity and inhumanity of war. The film was a remake of a 1930 film and reused much of the aerial footage, though some of the aircraft used were Nieuports used in the actual war which adds to the realism.

Kickboxing Academy (1999)

An unbelievable film, at times so bad you wonder if its some kind of elaborate joke being played on you?

Two martial arts academies are in conflict. The deranged Tarbeck (Tony Pacheco), with his military themed evil academy, is ranged against June (Donna Barnes) and her kickboxing academy. With the help of the money man Maddox (Tom Scalise), Tarbeck aims to take over June's academy after they defeat them in a contest...

June needs her best fighter back, but Danny (Christopher Khayman Lee) doesn't want to fight anymore. Can his new squeeze, and also a kickboxer, Cindy (Chyler Leigh) persuade him? When you see them snog bear in mind that they are a real life brother and sister...

This is a really really strange film. Characters are random, many barely one dimensional. The plot is also random and makes little sense (an unexplained ninja attack in a restaurant car park, really?) It is superbly weird and highly entertaining, somehow. 

Terror in the Wax Museum (1973)

A complete scream, in more ways than one. 

A ridiculously creepy wax museum in foggy old London town consists only of wax exhibits of notorious murderers. It is run by Dupree (John Carradine) who wants to sell out to American businessman Burns (Broderick Crawford). Dupree is soon found dead, apparently killed by Jack the Ripper! When Dupree's niece Margaret (Nicole Shelby) turns up, the strange happenings continue as she thinks the wax dummies come to life at night!

The murders continue too despite the efforts of the police in the form of Sergeant Hawks (Mark Edwards), probably because he seems more interested in taking down Margaret's particulars than anything else. Suspicion falls on the hunchback Karkov (Steven Marlo) though thats too obvious...

A superbly fun (and often cheesy) horror film with a real old skool feel to it (including some of the veteran actors on show including Elsa Lanchester and Ray Milland). A wax museum is always a perfect setting for a horror film, especially as the "dummies" move when they get close-ups!

The Man Who Cheated Himself (1950)

A satisfying slice of Noir.

Frazer (Harlan Warde) is divorcing his wife, the wealthy Lois (Jane Wyatt) but he is also planning to kill her. Lois discovers the plot and calls on her boyfriend Ed Cullen (Lee J Cobb) who just happens to be a Police lieutenant on Homicide. When Frazer acts, he is gunned down by Lois while Ed is present. Now he tries to cover up Lois' crime...

With the body and gun disposed of Ed thinks he is in the clear, unfortunately his younger brother Andy (John Dall) has just joined the force. The eager young detective is just too inquisitive and soon is finding things out about his brother he never expected...

This is a good police drama with the added tension of Ed's involvement in the crime. His careful plan soon starts to unravel, not helped by Lois who is a little overwrought which can be annoying at times. The final act at an abandoned military base is full of tension.

Pit and the Pendulum (1961)

A superb Gothic horror.

Francis (John Kerr) turns up at the castle of Medina (Vincent Price) after the apparent death of his sister Elizabeth (Barbara Steele) who was married to the mysterious Medina. Francis discovers that Elizabeth was apparently driven insane by the sinister atmosphere of the castle due to the awful tortures which took place due to Medina'a father, a notorious Inquisitor.

However, Francis is sceptical and with the help of Dr Leon (Antony Carbone) and Medina's sister Catherine (Luana Anders) he tries to find out what really happened. Indeed there is something else going on, something quite unexpected indeed. Francis ends up strapped to a table above a pit by a deranged Medina, while a blade descends to slice him up!

Campy and quite over the top, this is all a Gothic horror should be. Vincent Price is his usual self amid the grotesque and macabre torture equipment and scenes of Hell.

The Soldier (1982)

Insanely violent, insanely confusing, its just... insane.

The KGB led by Jeremiah Sullivan steal plutonium from the US to make a nuclear bomb (quite why they need to steal some when they have plenty of their own is never explained). The bomb is placed at an oil field in Saudi Arabia. An ultimatum is issued to Israel to withdraw from the West Bank or the bomb will be detonated and wipe out half of the world's oil reserves...

While the US plan to attack Israel, the CIA have their own secret weapon: The Soldier (Ken Wahl). He is an elite, and unpredictable, operative. He, and his team (which includes Steve James), are tasked to stop the Russian plot. He does this by hijacking a US ICBM and threatens to start World War 3...

So, the film makes no sense whatsoever. The plot is a mixture of mad right-wing conspiracy theorist wet dream and sub-Bond weirdness. The violence is gratuitous, and doesn't always serve to drive the story forward in any way. It's a great watch of course.

Gunsmoke Ranch (1937)

One of the Three Mesquiteers series of B-movie Western, it isn't anything other than a routine example of the genre.

Following devastating floods which destroy farmland, Flagg (Kenneth Harlan) offers to relocate the farmers on new land which he has bought and will sell to them cheap. However, the Three Mesquiteers: Stony Brooke (Robert Livingston), Tucson Smith (Ray Corrigan) and Lullaby Joslin (Max Terhune) discover that Flagg is a crook. The land the new farmers have bought from Flagg is due to be submerged when a new dam is built...

It is all rather formulaic to be honest. Plenty of gun fights on horseback and other scraps (of dubious standard), a couple of country songs and some humour. Nothing in this film is that original but it is reasonably competent and worthwhile.

Viva Knievel! (1977)

Evel Knievel was a huge star in the 1970s, but could he act? Well this performance win't win any awards but it is generally competent. Unfortunately the film is as bad as you think it might be...

Evel is doing his death defying motorbike jump act in front of adoring crowds (or people who want to see him crash anyway). Drug lord Millard (Leslie Neilsen) has an evil plan, he will take Evel to Mexico, cause the crash and death of the superstar and then smuggle drugs into the US using Evel's corpse...

Evel is manipulated into heading to Mexico by drugged up rival Jessie (Marjoe Gortner). There, Millard arranges for Evel's mechanic Atkins (Gene Kelly - no really!) to be locked up in a sanitarium so the bike can be switched for a booby trapped one. Can Evel and his new squeeze Kate (Lauren Hutton) stop the evil plan?

By now Evel was filling out his jump suit a little too much, so to speak, so the action scenes are pretty low voltage and sometimes go on a little too long. The plot is clunky as well with almost infinite amounts of cheese. It is terrible, and great of course. Unfortunately, just after the film came out Evel beat up his promoter for real with a baseball bat, kind of ruining his hero image a bit!

Doctor Blood's Coffin (1961)

A low-key horror film of twisted medical experiments, slow moving but one worth waiting for to get to the end.

Dr Peter Blood (Kieron Moore) arrives back at the sleepy Cornish village he grew up in, having left a medical research facility in Vienna for some reason. Meanwhile men are disappearing, though Peter is keen to help the police especially when a man turns up dying. Later he is discovered during the autopsy conducting a bizarre medical experiment. He thinks he can bring the dead back to life.

When his girlfriend Linda (Hazel Court) discovers what he is doing she is repulsed. Peter plans to bring Linda's dead husband back to life to finish his experiment...

For much of this film this is more of a mystery than a horror. The film is perfectly paced and gradually builds up to a fine macabre final act with a big twist. 

The Pawnshop (1916)

More Charlie Chaplin mayhem, this time in a pawnshop where Charlie works.

Charlie causes a mess at the shop while "cleaning" (including destroying his feather duster in an electric fan). This enrages his fellow shop assistant (John Rand) with whom Charlie seems to have a hate-hate relationship. More trouble comes though when a customer (Albert Austin) brings in a clock for examination which Charlie destroys...

The usual antics and slapstick. Chaplin hadn't quite perfected his comedy short formula though was getting there. This one is a fine viewing though had a little too much pointless slap and not quite enough story explaining why.

Puberty Blues (1981)

A tale of Aussie teen life in the early 1980s, which seems to have consisted of a lot of surf and a lot of sex.

Sue (Jad Capelja) and Debbie (Nell Schofield) are teenage girls living in the suburbs of Sydney. Their lives consist of cheating in exams (by writing the answers on their thighs), smoking in school toilets and hanging out on the beach with dumb guys who are only really interested in surf and want girls to serve their needs in various ways. The girls are desperate to be in the cool clique and not with the loser geeks (naturally). It is a vacuous life of course, the grown-ups try their best to put the youth on the straight and narrow. 

But never mind all that, the story is told from the point of view of the teens and, while artistically it won't uproot any trees, the film is strangely engaging and quite nostalgic for anyone who was a teen in the 1980s. The film has a fairly light touch, plenty of comedy though the more you know of 80s Aussie pop culture and life the more jokes you'll get. By the way there was nothing wrong with being a loser geek in the 80s, you just end up writing a blog like this one.,,

The Doughboy (1926)

A silly little comedy short. Snub Pollard joins the US Army in World War 1 and soon, this "Doughboy" (as US soldiers were called at the time) has been sent to the front line even if his training is a series of disasters. His front line service is also a disaster, he spends most of his time trying to avoid being captured by the Germans. 

The film has plenty of inventive comedy situations though it does start to get a bit tedious and repetitive by the end. Not a top tier silent comedy but perfectly fine as a shirt feature and does raise plenty of smiles.

I, Monster (1971)

A re-telling of the Jekyll & Hyde story, though though renamed Marlowe & Blake for some reason. An enjoyable horror.

Dr Marlowe (Christopher Lee) is a follower of the ideas of Freud and has developed a serum which can remove inhibitions. The first person he tries it on, a young woman, removes all of her clothes. For some reason Marlowe decided to continue his experiments on himself. He becomes a craved vicious thug with a deformed face who haunts the streets of Old London Town called Mr Blake...

Marlowe's friend Utterson (Peter Cushing) is starting to suspect things are not right with Marlowe. As for the Doctor, prolonged use of the serum begin to push him over the edge and out of control...

This is a good version of Jekyll & Hyde, with the Victorian feel down to a tee. Christopher Lee gives his usual excellent performance in a British horror of the period though the film falls short of being truly great. The action is often a bit static and Cushing could have done with more of a role. 

In the Line of Fire (1993)

This is a superbly tense thriller involving the protection... and assassination of US presidents.

Frank (Clint Eastwood) is a grizzled old Secret Service agent, his claim to fame/infamy was that he was present when JFK was shot. Frank discovers a plot to kill the current president who is seeking re-election. Nothing too unusual there but it soon transpires that this is not a normal threat to POTUS. Frank begins a cat and mouse chase with a mysterious and deadly foe called Leary (John Malkovich) who will stop at nothing to achieve his aims.

As the election campaign reaches it's final stages, Leary prepares to strike. Can Frank stop him and gain redemption (and get his leg-over with fellow agent Lilly (Rene Russo))?

Leary's plot is pretty intricate and maybe slightly far fetched (though his amazing abilities are later explained). Eastwood does a great turn as the veteran with plenty of past demons, Malkovich superbly dark and menacing. 

Jail Bait (1954)

A rather strange and technically terrible but very watchable little crime drama, directed by Ed Wood Jr - say no more!

Don (Clancy Malone) is the son of eminent plastic surgeon Dr Gregor (Herbert Rawlinson), but Don has chosen the world of low rent crime with Vic Brady (Timothy Farrell). After a robbery goes wrong, Don and Vic are now on the run for murder of a police officer. Vic kills Don when the son wants to give himself up. With the police in the form of Johns (Lyle Talbot) searching for him, Vic forces Dr Gregor to use his skills to change his appearance. When the bandages are finally removed, Vic has a real shock!

A clumsy film with indifferent acting and dialogue, static staging, a curiously sparse soundtrack which seems to come from a completely different film and a basic plot. However, the twist is great (even if you see if coming a mile off). A perfectly watchable film, despite everything. 

The Galaxy Invader (1985)

Quite possibly the worst film ever made, an awful tale of rednecks versus an alien.

David (Greg Dohler) spots a UFO land in the woods, nearby terrible drunk Joe (Richard Ruxton) is out hunting his daughter with a rifle (something you imagine is a regular occurrence). He spots a green man carrying advanced technology and reacts as any real American would... he shoots it!

What follows is a horrendously dreary and garbled series of events in the woods as the alien is captured after a shootout, escapes, then is shot again. At the end though the true threat to life on Earth isn't the green man with his ridiculous laser gun but Joe in his torn t-shirt and massive capacity for alcohol and shooting... well anything.

Every redneck stereotype under the sun is employed in this ridiculous film. Somehow it is brilliant and hilarious, but quite how is a mystery beyond the ability of any advanced alien science to explain.

How Men Propose (1913)

An interesting short feature. Three men propose to the same woman (Margarita Fischer) - without realising. When they finally realise it they go to see the woman and discover that she was just researching for an article she was writing on how men propose for a magazine!

There isn't much to the film though it has some historic and curiosity value.