Mr. Nanny (1993)

Not a great film by any means though you do get to see Hulk Hogan in a tutu. 

Tech billionaire Mason (Austin Pendleton) hires ex-wrestler Sean (Hogan) to act as a bodyguard to his two children as he fears rivals might strike. Sean soon discovers Mason's children are delightful homicidal maniacs who try and kill him on numerous occasions including electrocuting him in the shower! Meanwhile, the strange Thanatos (David Johansen) with his chrome head seeks Mason's tech secrets and soon puts all of the family in peril. Can Sean save the day?

This is a car crash of a film for sure. Mad cap antics and physical comedy save the day as otherwise it would be pretty grim. The acting is awful and the story makes little sense (and borrows heavily from Home Alone)... however, it is great fun if we are to be honest. It is nonsense and sometimes over-the-top nonsense is just what you need.

As well as Hogan a number of other 1980s wrestlers like Brutus Beefcake and George Steele also make appearances.

The Black Cobra 3: Manila Connection (1990)

Lots of running around in the Filipino jungle ultimately wins out.

After a shipment of US weapons are stolen in the Philippines, and a US agent is killed by insurgents, Malone (Fred Williamson) is called in from the streets of Chicago to help investigate the case along with Interpol agent Duncan (Forry Smith). 

As their investigation continually runs into trouble they begin to suspect there is a traitor in their midst, could it be fellow agent Ward (Debra Ward)?

A low budget action romp with the flimsy story largely there to punctuate the various action set pieces. These arn't bad, though are frequently a bit ridiculous and overly relys on the tired trope of the bad guys being hopeless shots. An enjoyable film if approached in the right way.

Return to Savage Beach (1998)

Tits and guns return to a remote Pacific island we last saw in Savage Beach.

A stolen floppy disk (which mysteriously has changed from a 5.25" in the first film to a 3.5" one to make the film appear more modern!) leads both criminals and the large chested ladies of LETHAL to a remote island to hunt for treasure stolen from the Philippines. 

Apparently, the gold in the first film wasn't all of the loot the wartime Japanese stole. Martinez (Rodrigo Obregón) returns as the Filipino rebel leader who wants the gold to fund revolution, others want the gold for more selfish reasons...

It makes little sense, to be honest the first film didn't either but this is worse. But it doesn't really need to make sense, this is a film to see former Playboy models fire guns while wearing skimpy outfits. This is great fun though, among the cast is former WCW wrestler Buff Bagwell, but of course!

This was the final film in the Andy Sidaris' LETHAL series and is a fine end to a fun series.

Fit to Kill (1993)

Another boobs and guns epic by Andy Sidaris.

International arms dealer Kane (Geoffrey Moore) is after a diamond which had been stolen from the Russians in the Second World War and is now owned by Chang (Aki Aleong). He intends to return it to Russia but the gem is stolen by Kane. Now it is up to Donna (Dona Speir) and her fellow federal agents in skimpy outfits to retrieve...

This is a fun romp which makes heavy use of remote control toys such as helicopters and cars, though these are armed with rockets and bombs! It makes little sense of course but that does not matter as it should not be taken too seriously.

Surely this is one of the few films to mention the short lived Commonwealth of Independent States in dialogue?

Do or Die (1991)

A fine entry in the Andy Sidaris universe, as our heroines and heroes have to run a gauntlet of assassins.

Japanese crime boss Kaneshiro (Pat Morita) challenges federal agents Donna (Dona Speir) and Nicole (Roberta Vasquez) to survive a series of various teams of assassins. 

Luckily, the various assassin teams turn out to be fairly useless, though they do employ a variety of methods and weapons to make their attacks, though all share a lack of being able to aim...

This has a rather simple storyline even for a Sidaris film but is tremendous fun and a hugely enjoyable romp. It has plenty of cheese (including some wonderfully retro computer graphics), sexy nonsense and action. 

Guns (1990)

A brash action drama involving many women in skimpy outfits with big busts and bigger guns.

Crime boss Jack of Diamonds (Erik Estrada) orders a hit on DEA agent Donna (Dona Speir), though a mix-up by the assassins who were in drag (honestly!) results in another woman being killed. Donna discovers that the crime boss is the man who killed her father, and he has also kidnapped her mother so there is plenty at stake...

This film is by Andy Sidaris and so you know it will be an action romp which makes little sense. We have the drag queen assassins as mentioned earlier, an interrogator who does magic tricks while interviewing captured gang members and even an attack by ninjas! The film is tremendous fun and highly enjoyable.

Day of the Warrior (1996)

Big chests and bigger guns, all you need to know is that the director Andy Sidaris was a genius.

Crime boss and former CIA agent The Warrior (Buff Bagwell) has broken into the secret service database thanks to his inside man. He is using this information to put agents at risk of being discovered while they try and infiltrate the Warrior's crime empire. Can our heroes and heroines led by Willow Black (Julie Strain) save the day?

Of course they can! What follows is a flimsily plotted, often very strange and also violent film where most of the cast do not like to wear much in the way of clothing. 

It is completely wonderful, a highly enjoyable film and a complete romp. Some might say this is so bad it is good, i say it is it's own strange and special kind of genius and completely excellent.

Enemy Gold (1993)

While not the best entry in the Sidaris-verse this is a solid and highly enjoyable boobs and guns romp.

Three federal agents anger crime boss Santiago (Rodrigo Obregón) so much that he calls in hitwoman Jewel Panther (Julie Strain) to deal with them. The agents meanwhile are on a trip into the woods and discover a cache of buried Confederate gold from the American Civil War. This of course adds another dimension to the showdown...

Although part of Andy Sidaris' series of films, it does stand alone to an extent as some of the actors play different roles to how they are in other instalments. 

This is a decent film, not quite as good as some other films in the series but still great fun. Former Playboy models and various hunks show off their cleavage and pecs and fire lots of guns. The plot is sketchy but does it's job.

Kindergarten Ninja (1994)

A very strange film, made very cheaply as an anti-drugs film. Somehow it works, kind of.

In heaven, Bruce Lee (Anthony Chan) has been told he will only become an angel if he does a good deed on Earth. That good deed is to rehabilitate the bad boy football player Blade Steel (Dwight Clarke). 

Blade introduces him to a blind martial arts instructor (George Chung) to teach him karate, together they must battle a drug dealer (Juan Chapa) who is targeting kids at the school Blade is teaching at as part of his punishment for drink driving!

So, that is the crazy storyline. Do not expect much sense or depth from the plot as the film is played largely for laughs (which are not always generated intentionally) and can be pretty witty at times. The film is fun, frequently zany and with a lot of fight scenes, some of which are not that bad in a 1970s kung fu style. 

Baby Ghost (1995)

An incredible piece of rubbish that somehow keeps your attention.

Hapless child photographer Winslow (Joe Estevez) ends up trapped in the high rise office building he works in by a strange little ghost, called a baby ghost but looks more like a little green lizard. 

Also trapped in the building is a tarot card reader (Erin O'Bryan) and a couple of members of staff. There are also a couple of useless thieves who have broken into the building.

A shoddy film which looks like it was shot on a budget of about 17 pence. Expect dodgy acting, awkward scenes which make little sense, padding which often reaches epic levels of boring and very rough special effects. Despite all the drawbacks this is a great watch, definitely in the so bad it's good camp.

Fatherland (1994)

It is the 1960s, but in this timeline Hitler has won, but is the Third Reich quite as secure as it seems?

Having won the Second World War, Nazi Germany is now looking to improve relations with the USA. US reporter Charlie (Miranda Richardson) is over to cover the impending visit of the US President to Berlin, Hitler hoping this will help the Nazis in their endless war of attrition with the Soviets. Charlie is given a lead on a massive secret the Nazis are trying to hide. 

Meanwhile, SS officer March (Rutger Hauer) is investigating the death of a senior Nazi official but his investigation is suspiciously cut off by the Gestapo. Is his investigation linked to the secret Charlie is uncovering? The darkest secret of all, the secret of what happened to the Jews...

An enjoyable TV movie, although an alternate history setting this is more about the investigation of crimes and cover-ups and works very well as a suspensful thriller. It would be nice to see the alternate world explored more though that would have probably needed a full TV series.

A.P.E.X. (1994)

Low budget maybe but the ambition and imagination factor is pretty high.

We are in the future (2073) and mankind is sending probes back through time (quite why we don't know especially as it ends up being so dangerous). Scientist Sinclair (Richard Keats) sends a probe robot though to 1973 where it encounters a couple in a caravan and immediately trouble begins. Sinclair goes through time to make sure the robot self-distructs... but when he returns to 2073 he finds everything has changed.

2073 is now a post-apocalypse wasteland where killer robots slaughter the battered remnants of mankind. Sinclair, despite being now in a changed timeline, remembers his old timeline and seeks out his old lab to see if he can restore the timeline and see his beloved wife Natasha (Lisa Ann Russell) again.

An interesting film. Although it is rather cheap and the special effects a bit average (though the robots look good), this film isn't that bad. It has some good ideas and does a decent job to make the most of what it has to try and carry them out. The plots has some holes, but it seems so does time.

The Phantom Menace (1999)

Years after the original Star Wars trilogy changed the world, the prequel trilogy began with this film. Did it work?

The galaxy is in a state of flux, on it's edges trade disputes are leading to conflict. The Jedi, who maintain peace in the Galactic Republic send Qui-Gon Jin (Liam Neeson) and Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor) to sort things out on the distant planet of Naboo. The planet, led by Queen Amidala (Natalie Portman), has come under threat from the Trade Federation... 

However, the Trade Federation seek the deaths of the Jedi. Unknown to the Jedi, the eternal enemies of the Jedi, the evil Sith Lords are behind the disputes. On Naboo, a young boy is discovered who has an incredible presence in the Force, Qui-Gon thinks this boy, Anakin Skywalker (Jake Lloyd), could be the Chosen One who can bring balance to the Force...

So, this is how the Star Wars saga begins, with a trade dispute. The problem with this film is that it needs a story that can stand alone for new fans but also fit into the canon and lore established by the original trilogy. It doesn't quite succeed on either score though isn't that bad a film, it certainly looks superb with highly imaginative aesthetics and design but is let down by the overly meandering plot and frequently banal dialogue. The special effects maybe rely a little too heavily on CGI.

But it is a Star Wars film! Due to the massive fan base, the film was a success despite any misgivings, and these can be amplified by the highly engaged fans. Truthfully, the Phantom Menace is a perfectly watchable film, not a classic but an impressive achievement.

Meteorites! (1998)

A somewhat tedious TV movie about meteorites which decide to bombard the same small American town.

Tom (Tom Wopat) is a retired bomb disposal officer (and as this is a TV movie of course he has demons in his past) who is called upon to investigate a series of unexplained house explosions. 

The mayor (Marshall Napier) is not interested in this though as the town is holding a UFO festival, it's big money spinner and the mayor needs the cash after some dodgy business loans. Tom discovers that the explosions are not due to gas leaks but from something from above. In fact a meteorite storm is targeting the town...

So, the science makes no sense whatsoever, and the film wastes too much time on side plots and irrelevance. Overall, this is a fairly insipid watch.

The Puppet Masters (1994)

A surprisingly good alien invasion film.

An alien lifeform lands in Ohio and takes possession of humans by sticking it's probes into human brains. Government agent Nivens (Donald Sutherland) is investigating the reported landing of a UFO, which seems to be an obvious fake but the locals are acting strangely, quickly resorting to violence to stop any investigation. 

He and his fellow agents Sam (his son) (Eric Thal) and Mary (Julie Warner) discover that horrible fast reproducing manta ray like alien creatures are possessing people in town and looking to possess as many people as possible.

A race against time begins as the agents and military try to contain the aliens and find a way to defeat them, without killing their human hosts.

A fine film though maybe stretches the plot a little too far (plus there are some obvious flaws in the alien plans and methods which the humans fail to notice). The alien visuals are pretty gruesome at times and make good use of the modest budget. The action is frequent though can be a bit ropey at times. Overall though this is pretty enjoyable.

Maximum Revenge (1998)

A low-budget violent film with a ridiculous premise, of course it is brilliant.

Maverick cop Mace (Paul Michael Robinson) saves a plane load of passengers from some hijackers but is rewarded by being out in jail! A year later he and a handful of other prisoners are transferred to a brand new nick, unfortunately one which criminals led by Murdoch (John Lazar) have infiltrated and want to detonate an atomic bomb in so America nukes the Middle East (or something). Why they decide to go to all the trouble of putting the bomb inside a prison and not just an abandoned warehouse is never explained.

Things start to go wrong of course, Mace begins a fight back against Murdoch with the help of TV reporter (Landon Hall) and his fellow criminals, luckily one of whom knows how to defuse an atomic bomb...

None of the film makes sense, the thin plot is stretched with various action set pieces. Its cheap and a bit repetitive at times though the cheese factor is high, the cliche factor is also set to warp factor 9. Complete trashy nonsense, i loved it naturally.

Double Dragon (1994)

In a bizarre future world people fight over an ancient Chinese talisman which can turn the holder into a two dimensional shadow.

It is 2007 and the remnants of LA are mostly underwater following a massive earthquake, crime rules the streets which remain with various strange factions largely cosplaying The Warriors. Brothers Jimmy (Mark Dacascos) and Billy (Scott Wolf) fight to stop crime boss Koga Shuko (Robert Patrick) getting both halves of a Chinese talisman. He only has one half and can already turn into a strange shadow person, who knows what he could do with total power? 

A long battle across LA rages with various strange and quite amusing action set pieces including a speedboat chase! The brothers are helped by gang leader Marian (Alyssa Milano) in their efforts against Koga and his collection of freaks i mean henchmen...

It shouldn't really work but this is actually a pretty good film, somehow. It is very cheesy, rather strange and makes little sense but the action is pretty good with some good sets even if it does look very much like people in the early 1990s imagined the 2000s would look.

Quest of the Delta Knights (1993)

Hilariously bad cod-medieval sword and sorcery nonsense. 

The land is under the cruel thumb of Manneryjay (Olivia Hussey) and her henchman Lord Vultare (David Warner). A secret society of good knights (called the Delta Knights) is seeking secret knowledge of Atlantis to give them the power to bring down Maydeed and company. 

The Delta Knights agent is Raydoor (somewhat confusingly also David Warner) who finds a young man called Tee (Corbin Allred) who may be the person prophesied to discover the secrets of Archimedes, though Leonardo de Vinci (David Kreigel) is also called upon to help...

This is an amazingly bad film with a plot which makes little sense, cheap sets, cheaper acting on the most part. It does have a strange camp charm though and some of the situations and dialogue are so ridiculous you can't help but laugh (unintentionally). What were they thinking?

Timecop (1994)

A fun science-fiction film, a martial arts time travel romp.

Time travel has been invented and the US government forms an agency to regulate the technology and protect against bad people trying to change the time line. Walker (Jean Claude Van Damme) is one of these "time cops", we see him travel back to the 1920s to stop a rogue ex-colleague manipulating the future stock market. He warns Walker that a powerful man is forcing him (and others) to work for him, using the threat of literally wiping out their families from time...

Walker soon discovers that US presidential hopeful McComb (Ron Silver) is the man behind these crimes, stealing money in the past in order to fund his campaign. McComb is trying to destroy the time cop agency, and was also behind the death of Walker's wife (Mia Sara) some years before...

A good science fiction action film, it doesn't get too hung up on how unrealistic the science is but uses the effects budget well when required. There is also plenty of action, a good evil bad guy and plenty of humour. Entertaining indeed.

Jack-O (1995)

A rather awful slash gore horror film involving a pumpkin man.

Many years ago a wizard (John Carradine) was put to death, now he has come back to life as Jack the Pumpkin Man and seeks vengeance on the modern day towns folk and especially the Kelly family. Young Sean Kelly (Ryan Latshaw) is having a number of terrible dreams involving slash gore murder while his parents (Gary Doles and Maddison K Krown) set up a rather disturbing looking Halloween display...

A terrible film with ropey acting, awkward pacing and badly executed gore. The fact Carradine - who had been dead for years when this film was made - is probably one of the best actors in it probably says a lot. There is plenty of cheesy and unintentionally hilarious nonsense though. 

So bad it's good? Oh yeah...