Time of the Apes (1985)

A rather confusing rip-off of Planet of the Apes.

Catherine (Reiko Tokungaga), Caroline (Hiroko Sato) and Johnny (Masaaki Kaji) are having a look around an advanced cryogenic facility when an earthquake occurs and they get accidentally frozen and put into suspended animation (as you do!) When they awaken they find thousands of years have passed and now the world is run by ape men controlled by UFOs and a super computer!

The ape men are rather inept and the three humans manage to escape their execution. They flee to the hills where they discover Godo (Tetsuya Ushio) who is one of the last humans left alive...

This isn't a very good film, little of it makes any sense especially the ending and how our humans manage to return to their time. The science nonsense makes Star Trek Voyager technobabble seem scientifically coherent. The film has some campy fun, especially the ridiculous ape men but is all a bit too weird to really enjoy. Two of the humans are small children and their annoyance factor does not help matters.

Master Ninja I (1984)

The Master was a ninja themed TV series from 1984, two episodes were used to create this feature length film, two more episodes were used to create the imaginatively named Master Ninja II.

The Master McAllister (Lee Van Cleef) is an American veteran who now possesses the mysterious skills of the Ninja. Along with his young friend Max (Timothy Van Platten) they aim to help out those in need. In the first episode... half of the film they help out the owner of a small airfield and his daughter (Demi Moore) against a scheming land developer and the local police who are in his pocket...

As this film is based on the first episodes of the series we do get some back story for McAllister and Max and also see Max begin his ninja training. The action is quite generic for 1980s US TV series, with the usual budget to match so doesn't amount to much. Lee Van Cleef was a little too old and creaking to play a convincing ninja but the film isn't without it's good bits. It is a fairly passable film though but you can see why the TV series did not last that long.

The Stranger (1973)

An astronaut accidentally ends up on an alien world, luckily for the budget this world looks exactly like our own...

When astronaut Neil Stryker (Glenn Corbett) crashes on the way back to Earth, he wakes up in a strange hospital where he knows no one and won't be allowed to see anyone. Neil begins to suspect he might be in the Soviet Union and manages to escape the head of security Benedict (Cameron Mitchell). However, outside of the hospital he appears to be in the USA. But no one has heard of Florida... and there happens to be three moons!

Neil discovers that he is on another world, one under the control of an authoritarian regime called the Perfect Order. Knowledge of the past is forbidden and obedience is total. Neil gets the help of Dr Cooke (Sharon Acker) to try and keep ahead of Benedict and his goons...

This isn't a bad film all in all, though the tiny budget does hinder it a bit. The story is pretty decent (if rather heavily Orwell inspired) and the performances work well. Some good tension and drama, perfectly good TV movie.

The Bunker (1981)

The last days of Hitler holed up in his bunker, an interesting way of portraying the events now incredibly well known due to the excellent 2004 movie Downfall.

The war is going badly, Hitler's (Anthony Hopkins) health is also not doing so well. With the Allied armies closing in on Berlin, the Nazi leadership retreats underground into the grim Fuhrerbunker. There, Hitler and his staff including Speer (Richard Jordan) and Goebbels (Cliff Gorman) await the inevitable as the explosions above gradually change from being caused by aerial bombers to artillery and tanks.

This is an excellent film, atmospheric and dark and based on the memoirs of the staff who survived. The most interesting stories are from some of the lesser known staff members in the bunker including the radio officer Misch (Michael Kitchen) and the engineer Hentschel (Martin Jarvis) who interestingly were both still alive when this film was made. 

The film might not have generated a million memes like Downfall (the Steiner rant is quite different here) but it very worth a watch.

Code Name: Diamond Head (1977)

A pilot for a series that never came to fruition, which is a shame as it could have been a catastrophe that could have entertained generations of cult fans. As it is we have a fairly average if a bit odd spy film.

Johnny Paul (Roy Thinnes) is a US government agent based in Hawaii (code named Diamond Head of course). He has to prevent the theft and sale of a new nerve gas being developed at a local government laboratory. The enemy are headed by Donovan (Ian McShane) - a master of disguise or just lucky that the people he has to take the identity of look like him already. Diamond Head is assisted by Zulu and France Nuyen providing the muscle and the sex appeal in varying amounts.

It is all a bit inept. The plot is poor and the action lacking on the most part. As might be expected, Ian McShane is head and shoulders the best thing about this film. It is watchable but not great but i wonder how a full series would have turned out.

In Tandem (1974)

The feature length pilot of the TV series Movin' On about two truck drivers. Expect big rigs and lots of country music!

Will (Frank Converse) is a young-ish truck driver, of a more intellectual bent, who has grown tired of driving death traps and quits. He meets up with veteran independent trucker Sonny (Claude Akins) and agrees to drive for him, though he doesn't expect that the life of a "gypsy" trucker like Sonny can often be a bit fraught with danger! Things come to a head when the two truckers get involved with a group of citrus farmers who are being menaced by the local hard men...

This is a standard 1970s trucking film, a simple enough plot overlaid with footage of lots of trucks driving through the countryside all with a country soundtrack (by Merle Haggard as well which is cool). The film is a bit rough around the edges but pretty entertaining.

Willa (1979)

She had a dream, and that dream was to drive a truck!

Willa (Deborah Raffin) has a mundane job as a waitress, is raising two kids without the father being around and has an alcoholic mother (Diane Ladd). For some reason she wants a little more in life! She dreams of driving a truck and works hard, loading cargo at night after her day job to earn the right to take driving lessons. I'm not sure what she uses to get all the energy to do all this but i certainly would like some.

Things do not go smoothly for Willa though as the authorities threaten to take her kids away. However, she gets help from another female trucker (Cloris Leachman) and even has time to flirt with Joe (Clu Gulager)...

Well it is a fine enough melodrama. Although a trucking movie, it doesn't have the usual cliches such as high speed chases and bad men stealing loads that you usually get with this genre. The story is a bit basic though, determined to hammer home it's message any way it can.

The Longest Drive (1976)

Although lacking originality this is an enjoyable Western.

Hatcher (Dan O'Herlihy) is in trouble, he needs to get his cattle to market but lacks a crew to do the drive. The Beaudine brothers (Kurt Russell and Tim Matheson), who are old friends, decide to help him and assemble a crew of misfits including an alcoholic cook, a retired gunslinger and a dude who who went to Yale (not that any of the cowboys know what that is!) 

The epic drive begins, although rustling is a bit of a problem the main issue is a lack of water along the trail and soon that pushes them all to the edge...

This is a great film really, although everything you probably have seen before in one form or the other. However, this fits together really well and the crew of misfits makes a good ensemble. The TV movie budget probably helps in this case as it means the emphasis is placed on the human characters not large scenic set-pieces.

The movie was later edited into two episodes of The Quest TV series.

Amanda and the Alien (1995)

A science fiction comedy with a real difference, and that difference is a fair amount of cringe.

An alien that can take over human bodies escapes from a US government facility. Although the alien looks human it struggles with acting like one. Cool coffee shop nerd Amanda (Nicole Eggert) sees the alien struggling with her latte and naturally decides to help. Amanda's help includes helping the alien feed by killing and assuming the form of Amanda's annoying boyfriend! Naturally Amanda starts to fall in love with the alien...

Although a bit weird at times, the film somehow succeeds. Is it so bad it's good? Well at times, though at other times the cringe factor can make it so bad it's bad! The quirky weirdness will drag you through though. Michael Dorn as a US military officer adds a good sci-fi touch. It is a real film of it's time with it's mid-90s style and feel. 

Hijack! (1973)

A good old trucking movie across the endless desert of the southern USA.

Jake (David Janssen) and Donny (Keenan Wynn) are two grizzled old truck drivers who are reaching the end of the literal road. They are employed by an oily businessman to transport some top secret equipment to Texas. 

Unfortunately, a gang of thugs are after the equipment and will stop at nothing including murder! Luckily the gang are fairly inept and Jake and Donny manage to foil them over and over again, however there is one final showdown in store as truck battles helicopter full of gunmen!

This is a great little TV movie even if much of it makes little sense... until the final twist. The action is very solid and the leads (despite looking pretty unrealistic for such an action related film to be honest) do a pretty good job.

The California Kid (1974)

A cool slice of 1950s hotrod nostalgia.

The sheriff (Vic Morrow) of a small town has a good money making scheme in catching drivers in a fake speed trap, though when the drivers decide to run for it the sheriff is not averse to knocking them off the road with often fatal results. McCord (Martin Sheen) turns up in town in a cool souped up hotrod, however he is not here to race but to find out why his brother died in one of the many accidents that occur near the town.

He is soon pitted against the sheriff as he gathers evidence on the sheriff's dark secret. Of course their showdown will take place on the road at over 100 miles per hour!

A good film that has some layers to it, the sheriff is given a back story explaining his actions to an extent. The real star of the film is the hotrod though, this is the California Kid!

240-Robert (1979)

A feature length pilot for a series about the Los Angeles rescue team (which ran for two seasons).

Deputies Trap (John Perry) and Thib (Mark Harmon) work with the LA sheriff department's rescue team of highly skilled officers who can rescue people underwater, down mountains, perform emergency medical treatment and even arrest people! 

A new helicopter pilot (Joanna Cassidy) joins the team, Trap doesn't seem to like her because she's a girl (and apparently an ex). However, she proves herself and earns Trap's respect by the end of the film, and they all go home happily for tea.

It is all pretty predictable, but well made and enjoyable. We see a series of rescues which do not have much in the way of suspense and tension until the final act when the team are called upon to rescue two people who crashed their car down some cliffs. There isn't a great deal of back story for the characters, the film concentrating on their professionalism and skills instead of any dark secrets or hidden demons they may have. That is fine with me to be honest!

The City (1977)

A basic but enjoyable crime drama starring two actors who would soon be huge names.

Troubled youth Eugene (Mark Hamill) snaps after receiving a letter and commits the first of a number of murders and attempted murders. This sets him off on a hunt for country music star Wes Collins (Jimmy Dean) whom Eugene thinks is his father (as the letter tells him, not actually true), and who battered him as a baby (this bit is actually true!) Hunting for Eugene are detectives Lewis (Robert Forester) and Scott (Don Johnson). The hunt is personal for Lewis as Eugene's second kill was Lewis' partner Burt (Paul Cavonis)...

The plot of this TV movie is fairly straight forward, as the identity of the felon is known early on so it is a man hunt rather than a detective film. It is well structured and paced (basically feels a feature length episode of a detective TV show) and keeps your interest having plenty of action. This film was released a few months before another Mark Hamill film that did quite well at the box office, Star Wars...

Touch and Die (1992)

A complicated if not very exciting thriller.

Frank Magenta (Martin Sheen) is a investigative reporter who is looking into the candidacy of presidential hopeful Scanzano (David Birney). Scanzano is doing well in the polls but is running out of money. 

Magenta discovers that stolen plutonium is being used to raise funds for the campaign, a deadly conspiracy which leaves a trail of dead bodies behind (some due to radiation poisoning and other quicker methods). Magenta and his family including his daughter Emma (Renée Estevez) are also in the firing line...

This is a long drawn out TV movie and could have done with some editing. The story is fine and certainly well travelled taking in Rome, Paris, NY and ..er.. Africa. The story is interesting but too long winded to maintain much level of excitement. 

Sky Heist (1975)

A classic TV movie about an audacious crime, and the hunt for gold and criminals by the LAPD air department.

An LAPD helicopter piloted by Trumbell (Don Meredith) is hijacked, the pair of hijackers wanting $100K in cash. Unbeknownst to police captain Ballard (Joseph Campanella) this is all a diversion. The criminal gang have really hijacked a plane carrying gold bullion and now have $10 million in gold bars on a disguised bus! Ballard, Trumbell and company have to try and unpick the complicated (though flawed - see below) plan by Hardings (Frank Gorshin) before it's too late...

This film just screams pilot for a planned TV series, which unfortunately was never made, which is a shame as it probably would have been pretty good. The story is straight forward, characterisation laid on hard and fast (though the characters are largely well-worn stereotypes) and the action exciting with many helicopter shots if pretty bloodless. 

Harding's heist plan is mostly well worked out and even quite ingenious though you will wonder why they didn't switch the gold from the bus to another vehicle. Though as a police detective once said, if criminals never did anything stupid then the police would hardly ever catch anyone!

Aladdin (1990)

Well this is rather awful, though unintentionally hilarious.

A TV movie made by Disney of the classic Aladdin tale. Aladdin (Brent Sudduth) is playing with his kite when he sees the Princess Mei-Ling (Susan Egan) and falls in love. However, he lacks the vital necessity for the Emperor (I.M. Hobson) to allow him to marry her - a lot of money. Luckily for Aladdin a mysterious magician (Richard Kiley) says he can help Aladdin with that. The magician also claims he is Aladdin's uncle, though this seems rather suspicious.

He takes Aladdin to a cave where the boy is sent to get a lamp. Trapped in the cave, Aladdin rubs the lamp and releases the genie (Barry Bostwick) who grants the boy a number of wishes...

Well the tale is very familiar of course and is told here with a remarkable lack of budget and a fair amount of camp. This film is a musical and the songs are all pretty corny though undeniably catchy. Wholesome family entertainment, though not very good but it should make you laugh. Mercifully it is pretty short.

Futuresport (1998)

It is the future (2025 to be exact), the big geo-political questions of the age seem to be decided through a rather ropey looking "future" sport.

Hawaii wants to cede from the USA, a group of separatists gate crash the final of Futuresport, which has apparently replaced other sports like basketball to become the most popular in the world. 

Hot shot player Tre (Dean Cain) takes time out from an interview with his ex Alex (Vanessa Williams) to chase the separatists away with a ball. However, later he decides the best way to solve the Hawaii problem is to hold another game of Futuresport between a US and a Hawaiian team, the winner gets the country! Unfortunately for Tre, his opponents are street smart and led by the game's creator Fixx (Wesley Snipes)...

A strange film though the plot has some interesting if odd aspects to it. The world building is interesting and makes the most of a limited budget though this TV movie has many flaws. The game Futuresport itself is a bit of a dud though with it's odd mix of hockey, handball and skateboarding and has a placeholder for a name. The execution is pretty patchy but the film is not that bad. Just not that good either.

Tarzan and the Trappers (1960)

Much wildlife stock footage pads out a thin but reasonable Tarzan jungle adventure.

Schroeder (Leslie Bradley) is a big game trapper who takes no notice of laws or basic decency and raids the jungle of animals to sell. When Tarzan (Gordon Scott) interrupts his activities, Schroeder kidnaps Tarzan's son (Rickie Sorenson) and threatens him but Tarzan defeats him. Schroeder's brother Sikes (Sol Gorss) is out for revenge and heads to the jungle for a new hunt but this time his game is Tarzan himself!

This is a TV movie edited from three never shown episodes of a TV series. As with most of these kinds of stories the action obviously takes place in a studio but with lots of stock footage of wild animals. Jane (Eve Brent) does not do a great deal but Cheta the chimp is a great star. Gordon Scott's impressive physique is probably the biggest highlight.

Lady Mobster (1988)

An enjoyable TV movie showing how a young woman rises through the mobster ranks on a mission of revenge.

After mobster Victor Castle (Joseph Wiseman) announces plans to go straight, his accountant and his wife are killed by an assassin (Anthony James). The daughter Laurel (Susan Lucci) manages to escape and is bought up by the Castle family. 

A number of years later she is a promising young lawyer but returns to the Castle family as Victor is ailing and his plan to finally become legitimate is in trouble. Despite Victor's misgivings, Laurel becomes involved with the family business with the help of Nick (Michael Nader) but discovers the assassin who killed her parents is still at large...

A good mobster film though perhaps contains nothing you haven't seen elsewhere. This is done very well though and has a suitably dark conclusion after a number of twists.

In the Year 2889 (1969)

We are in the future, actually no we arn't. In fact this is a rather low budget slice of nonsense set firmly in 1969.

World War 3 has occurred, radiation is killing everyone but smug Captain John (Neil Fletcher) has a plan in his remote house protected from the fall out by geographical oddities. Unfortunately his remote house doesn't turn out to be that remote after all after a number of unwanted guests come to join him and his daughter (Charla Doherty). While some of the visitors including Steve (Paul Petersen) are benign, Micky (Hugh Feagin) is a wrong-un just waiting to cause trouble. There also appears to be a radiation mutated monster prowling in the gardens...

Low budget and low thrills, it also has a distinct lack of good acting (though Doherty isn't bad). The story is a bit slow and stilted and sometimes you wish for the radiation to put us all out of out misery. The title by the way has nothing to do with the film, but is taken from a Jules Verne short story. That probably is the most interesting thing about this disaster.