Meet the Hollowheads (1989)

A very strange sci-fi comedy, incredibly 1980s looking.

We are in a very strange future where a Jetsons like family live in a world of pipes, strange gadgets and mysterious punishments for misbehaving. Henry (John Glover) is trying to impress his boss to get promotion, at home though Miriam (Nancy Mette) is trying to control their unruly children including Cindy (Juliette Lewis) preparing for a rave party. Brother Bud (Lightfield Lewis) is practicing his music instrument which seems to also be a kind of mutated chicken.

Cindy is later bought home by the police after being caught intoxicated by softening cream. Henry's boss (Richard Portnow) comes for dinner, but he isn't there to be buttered up by Henry, rather he is interested in sexually harassing Miriam...

Honestly this is more like a fevered dream than a film, and has a real late 80s music video look and feel. Of course it doesn't make sense, but it isn't really supposed to. Incredibly imaginative though maybe sometimes you can take it a little too far. Certainly memorable even if it does become a bit tough going at times.

The Telephone Exchange (1982)

A wonderful educational film (made by British Telecommunications) showing how telephone exchanges work and how they connect one telephone to another when you make a call. From the earliest mechanical switches to the latest (well in 1982 anyway) microchip technology. The film does a good job at explaining the basics at how these systems work and why they are needed.

It reminds me when my Dad took me to his work at a telephone exchange in the late 1970s, big rooms full of switches and wires. It's probably all replaced by a single box on the wall now.

Electric Dreams (1984)

One of the most 80s films ever, a complete nostalgia fest of 80s pop and 80s computers.

Miles (Lenny von Dohlen) is an architect who is struggling to get anyone to buy into his big idea. He buys a computer to help him with his life. His computer gets ever more wrapped up into his life and begins to overheat, in a panic he pours champagne over the computer... this turns it sentient (of course!)

The computer calls itself Edgar (voiced by Bud Cort) and enters a love triangle with Miles and his neighbour Madeline (Virginia Madsen). When Edgar involves himself too much in Miles' life, Miles tries to turn Edgar off but this proves to be easier said than done...

This is a fun film which makes heavy use of the look and feel of contemporary pop videos (and including some actual MVs too). Its light and fluffy but has plenty of heart. The music is fantastic of course.

Hobgoblins (1988)

A very strange, and rather cheap, science-fiction horror featuring a couple of little furry monsters.

McCreedy (James R Sweeney) is a security guard at a disused studio who has a secret. Years before he encountered a UFO full of furry aliens. Naturally he locked them up in the bank vault which the studio for some reason has. For thirty years he has guarded the aliens in the vault because they have the ability to kill people after they make their fantasies come true. 

McCreedy's young apprentice guard Kevin (Tom Bartlett) accidentally releases the aliens from the vault, now he and McCreedy must recapture them while they unleash havoc on the town including helping Kevin's friends achieve their fantasies which seem to involve being sex sluts or committing murder...

A curious film that doesn't make much sense. The characters are either pretty blank or rather hateful, and the hobgoblins themselves are rather like demonic furbies and the film is pretty low budget. Quite awful but not without a lot of camp value.

Time of the Apes (1985)

A rather confusing rip-off of Planet of the Apes.

Catherine (Reiko Tokungaga), Caroline (Hiroko Sato) and Johnny (Masaaki Kaji) are having a look around an advanced cryogenic facility when an earthquake occurs and they get accidentally frozen and put into suspended animation (as you do!) When they awaken they find thousands of years have passed and now the world is run by ape men controlled by UFOs and a super computer!

The ape men are rather inept and the three humans manage to escape their execution. They flee to the hills where they discover Godo (Tetsuya Ushio) who is one of the last humans left alive...

This isn't a very good film, little of it makes any sense especially the ending and how our humans manage to return to their time. The science nonsense makes Star Trek Voyager technobabble seem scientifically coherent. The film has some campy fun, especially the ridiculous ape men but is all a bit too weird to really enjoy. Two of the humans are small children and their annoyance factor does not help matters.

Master Ninja I (1984)

The Master was a ninja themed TV series from 1984, two episodes were used to create this feature length film, two more episodes were used to create the imaginatively named Master Ninja II.

The Master McAllister (Lee Van Cleef) is an American veteran who now possesses the mysterious skills of the Ninja. Along with his young friend Max (Timothy Van Platten) they aim to help out those in need. In the first episode... half of the film they help out the owner of a small airfield and his daughter (Demi Moore) against a scheming land developer and the local police who are in his pocket...

As this film is based on the first episodes of the series we do get some back story for McAllister and Max and also see Max begin his ninja training. The action is quite generic for 1980s US TV series, with the usual budget to match so doesn't amount to much. Lee Van Cleef was a little too old and creaking to play a convincing ninja but the film isn't without it's good bits. It is a fairly passable film though but you can see why the TV series did not last that long.

The Boys in Blue (1983)

The comedy duo star as a couple of police officers, it certainly is a crime scene.

Sgt. Cannon (Tommy Cannon) and PC Ball (Bobby Ball) are a couple of bumbling police officers who comprise "The Force" in a sleepy village. There is little crime in their village, and so the police big wigs (Eric Sykes and Jack Douglas) are looking to close down the station. Cannon and Ball decide they need some crime to justify their continued employment and so plot to steal the painting of a local businessman (Roy Kinnear). But real art thieves are hiding out in the village...

Now, i did enjoy the comedy of Cannon and Ball on TV but this big screen outing really is wretched stuff. Cannon and Ball's comedy simply did not work in this situation and it destroys the film, despite the excellent supporting cast which also includes Jon Pertwee and Arthur English. Even a whole host of solid film comedy veterans can't compensate for the failure of the stars and the rather average execution and storyline. It really is a shame.

Mighty Jack (1986)

A TV movie made out of the first and last episodes of the Mighty Jack Japanese TV series from 1968. It isn't very coherent though is decent enough sci-fi action.

Mighty Jack is not a person but an organisation formed to combat a mysterious criminal organisation called Q. Atari is abducted by Q, Mighty Jack set off in their advanced submarine to rescue him before he will reveal the location of Mighty Jack's HQ under torture (and they succeed). Instead, Q launch an attack on Earth using hot ice which can't melt and to steal the Mighty Jack submarine...

Or something like that. At times it wasn't that clear what exactly was going on. The film is reasonable enough fun with plenty of Japanese model weapon action and furious running between perils though ultimately is a little dull overall. Hot ice must also be the worst super villain weapon ever.

Norman Gives a Speech (1989)

The fourth and final of the curious series of short films documenting the mishaps of Norman.

Norman (Douglas P Macintosh) is to give a speech at a business conference. What could go wrong? Well everything of course, ranging from a clumsy cleaning woman covering his notes with coffee, to Norman dropping all of his carefully arranged materials on the floor... to the fire alarm going off during his speech!

It is all quite odd and strangely awful / brilliant at the same time, as with the other Norman films. I have no idea why these little films existed but i am glad they did.

The Bunker (1981)

The last days of Hitler holed up in his bunker, an interesting way of portraying the events now incredibly well known due to the excellent 2004 movie Downfall.

The war is going badly, Hitler's (Anthony Hopkins) health is also not doing so well. With the Allied armies closing in on Berlin, the Nazi leadership retreats underground into the grim Fuhrerbunker. There, Hitler and his staff including Speer (Richard Jordan) and Goebbels (Cliff Gorman) await the inevitable as the explosions above gradually change from being caused by aerial bombers to artillery and tanks.

This is an excellent film, atmospheric and dark and based on the memoirs of the staff who survived. The most interesting stories are from some of the lesser known staff members in the bunker including the radio officer Misch (Michael Kitchen) and the engineer Hentschel (Martin Jarvis) who interestingly were both still alive when this film was made. 

The film might not have generated a million memes like Downfall (the Steiner rant is quite different here) but it very worth a watch.

City Limits (1984)

A rather strange post-apocalypse tale involving young people on bikes battling a corporation.

A plague wipes out the vast majority of the world's adult population, now a few years later the almost grown up child survivors control the remains of the cities in violent motorbike gangs. 

In the countryside, Lee (John Stockwell) gets bored of being on the farm and heads into the city for adventure. He aims to join one of the gangs and soon proves his worth but a mysterious corporation fronted by Wicking (Kim Cattrall) is trying to take over the city and use the gangs for their own nefarious ends.

This is a rather low budget and fairly generic post-apocalypse tale, everyone is in cheap Mad Max cosplay gear and nothing really makes a lot of sense as the plot is largely missing. It isn't a dead loss though, it does have some interesting ideas including the importance of comic books in a new society that has grown up from children.

Fugitive Alien (1986)

Japanese sci-fi battle nonsense, it is undeniably fun but...

A powerful alien race attack Earth with space ships and alien soldiers with big helmets (though the aliens look completely human which is handy budget wise). Alien soldier Ken (Tatsuya Azuma) baulks at killing a human child and his comrade is killed instead. 

Ken is condemned as a traitor by his people and ends up working with the humans to fight the aliens, and is hunted by the wife (Miyuki Tanigawa) of his former comrade...

Space soap opera froth for sure. This is a TV movie made out of a Japanese TV series and the limited budget really shows at times. However, as a bit of relentless space battle fun it can't be beat even if the plot is a bit basic. Just don't ask why the alien soldiers were bright wigs under their helmets in battle.

Ator the Invincible (1983)

The second Ator movie, somehow even cheaper and shoddier than the first.

Ator (Miles O'Keefe) is living an easy life after his earlier exploits (which are recapped at length early in the film to pad it out), he is recruited by Mila (Lisa Foster) to help save her father (William Berger) from the evil Zor (David Brandon). The way to the castle of Zor is long (somewhat too long) and includes various battles against ridiculous creatures and monsters...

The first Ator film wasn't that great but it was much better than this nonsense. It is all a bit too cheap and lacks much of a plot, lots of swords and sorcery yes but what does it all mean at the end of the day apart from plenty of muscles and grunting?

Outlaw of Gor (1988)

Cabot returns to a mysterious world (called Gor) thanks to his magical ring and battles warriors and wizards with swords in a rather insipid fashion.

American academic Cabot (Urbano Barberini), along with his sex crazed and sleazy friend Watney (Russel Savadier), returns to Gor - a planet Cabot fought on in an earlier film. The Elder (Alex Heyns) fears that his wizard priest Xeno (Jack Palance) is up to no good. However, Cabot seems more interested in getting back with the Princess (Rebecca Ferratti)...

However, the Elder is wrong. It is the Queen (Donna Denton) who wants to usurp him. The Queen seduces Watney in order to frame Cabot for the murder of the Elder. Cabot flees into the desert with a bounty hunter after him...

This is all nonsense and a pretty low-rent sword and sorcery tale. Everything looks cheap and unfortunately is all rather half-hearted. It has plenty of camp but unfortunately not quite enough to get over everything else.

What Waits Below (1984)

A surprisingly good adventure deep underground.

Wolf (Robert Powell) is recruited by the US Army to help them establish a special radio transmitter deep underground in a system of caves. However, the transmitter mysteriously vanishes and Wolf leads a team of soldiers and scientists (including Anne Heywood and Timothy Bottoms) to find out what is going on. 

Deep underground things start to go pear shaped fast. They encounter a mysterious race of Lemurians deep in the cave system. The Lemurians have lived underground for millennia and have a special reason to want the transmitter...

This is a good mysterious world and underground adventure. There maybe arn't that many thrills but the creepy atmosphere and odd happenings deep below certainly give plenty of chills.

Afghanistan - The Last War Bus (1989)

Plenty of action but not a lot of coherent plot.

Hondo (Mark Gregory) is a mercenary who is sent on a top secret mission into Afghanistan to locate a lost American officer and a bus (yes!) 

However, this is a very special bus as there are top secret plans hidden aboard. Hondo is a one man army, making his way across the country wiping out half of the Russian Army. But to escape, Hondo and some other Americans he frees must fix up the bus...

This isn't a very good film though has plenty of action. Naturally the only person who seems to know how to shoot straight is Hondo who can even shoot down helicopters with a shot gun. Despite all of the blood shed, the film is often a bit dull and slow.

Hands of Steel (1986)

Cyborg killer nonsense that somehow works.

It is the near future (well as far as the film was concerned, in fact it is 1997). The environment has collapsed and society isn't far behind. Moseley (Franco Fantasia) is the last hope for mankind but he is almost killed by a mysterious assailant, a hard bodied maniac called Paco (Daniel Greene) who is now on the run. It seems though that Paco is a cyborg sent by the evil Turner (John Saxon) but Paco failed to carry out his mission due to his latent humanity breaking out. Turner now sends his minions to dispose of Paco...

Paco is hiding out at a remote bar run by Linda (Janet Agren) where he spends his time defeating various trucker hoodlums at arm wrestling...

This film is rather low budget, this means a lot of dreary storyline with little happening is used to pad the film out, however when we do finally get to the final battle action set piece it is pretty spectacular and well worth waiting for. A great film overall, though doesn't make a lot of sense.

Battle for the Lost Planet (1986)

A zero-budget sci-fi mish-mash of a number of different films... and it somehow works, despite being very very weird.

Harry Trent (Matt Mitler) is a thief on the run, and decides to steal a space shuttle to escape some security guards. Once in space, he finds the shuttle is damaged and can't return to Earth for five years, which is handy as an alien fleet has just arrived to conquer Earth!

Finally back home, Harry finds the world is now like the one in Mad Max, only with grass and trees. After a fight with inept barbarians in ragged clothes, he meets up with Dana (Denise Coward) and discovers that a secret tape he has (indeed, the reason he was on the run in the first place was because he stole it) contains the secret which will allow scientists to develop a weapon to defeat the aliens. To get the tape to the Professor (Bill MacGlaughlin), Harry and Dana must cross the bad lands (which look quite nice really), battle a warlord called Mad Dog (Joe Gentissi) and fight lots of pig faced aliens...

This is a very strange film that rips off a number of different science fiction films but has plenty of ambition despite the laughably poor sfx. It also has plenty of cheese and weirdness, such as showing how Harry - trapped in space - resorts to drawing a woman's face on a pillow and then humping it! I don't know how they managed it but this film is great!

Hot Money (1986)

A rather strange comedy drama, the strangeness isn't quite enough to keep interest when things drag.

Tom (Michael Murphy) is released from prison, though he doesn't go straight. He becomes a deputy in a small town and ends up stealing a million bucks from an old lady! While the latin quoting sheriff (Orson Welles) has little idea what is going on, a couple of walking stereotype IRS men (the WWF wrestler IRS made for a more realistic tax man) turn up to investigate why an old lady had so much cash.

Tom makes plans with his girlfriend Jeanette (Ann Lange) to spend the loot in a suitably tropical location but he starts to have second thoughts about throwing the small town into so much turmoil...

This isn't a bad film with plenty of humour, much of it surreal. At times the film is a bit static and maybe a bit too laid back. You also will probably end up feeling sorry for what Welles was reduced to in his final years.

The Instructor (1981)

The unexpectedly competitive world of small town Ohio karate schools.

The Instructor (Bob Chaney) owns a karate school and is training with Thumper (Don Bendell), after encountering and beating up some local punks (who all look north of forty), they then encounter a wannabe ninja who has a somewhat unhealthy interest in fighting children...

The Instructor's rival is Bud Hart (Bob Saal), who of course tries to get the mob to smash up The Instructor's place though the thugs are thwarted by Dee (Lynday Schnarott). Later on Thumper is found near death, The Instructor assumes it is Hart (it is actually the paedo-ninja) and heads off for a final showdown (well after a lengthy car chase)...

This is quite an awful film, low budget, incoherent and rough. It is also hilarious and highly watchable and enjoyable. Great films can be technically poor but tremendous fun and this is one like that.