The Story of the Kelly Gang (1906)

A historic film that unfortunately now only barely survives.

This film was one of the first full-length movies, originally lasting over an hour, though less than twenty minutes of it now survives. However, despite that we can see that the film was a stunning achievement for it's day. 

The film has six scenes based on the Ned Kelly Gang story. The gang are already notorious and hunted by the police when the film starts. We see the gang carry out a number of killings and hold-ups and even attempt to derail a train. Finally the police close in and Ned Kelly (possibly played by Frank Mills) fights to the very end...

The story of Ned Kelly is legendary and this was the first film to depict the Australian outlaw and terror of the bush. Indeed the film was made just 26 years after Kelly was executed and many would still have first hand memories. It is just such a shame so little now survives.

She Demons (1958)

Rather hokey Nazis in the jungle horror nonsense.

Fred (Tod Griffin) and Jerri (Irish McCalla) are shipwrecked (along with a couple of racial stereotypes) on a remote island after a storm. After a brief setting up scene where they become an incredibly annoying couple, they discover a drowned young girl with horrific facial disfigurements. Fred, Jerri and Sammy (Victor Sen Yung) head into the island's interior where they discover native girls (who don't look very native at all) and their captors... Nazis! 

Deranged Nazi scientist Osler (Rudolph Anders) is trying to use the youth of the young women to restore the looks of his beloved Mona (Leni Tala) who was horrifically disfigured in an accident. Osler however, when he sees Jerri, considers ditching Mona or at least using Jerri for his mad Nazi medical experiments...

The film isn't that bad at all though let down by some of the main cast who are a little bland. For a 1950s horror with a little mild exploitation it could be a lot worse.

Mortal Passions (1989)

A rather lazy thriller that even a bit of erotic action can't set to life.

Emily (Krista Errickson) is cheating on her rather laid-back husband Todd (Zach Galligan) with the rather hilariously named Darcy (Luca Bercovici). She plots to get Darcy to kill Todd so she can get her hands on his inheritance. The arrival of Todd's big brother Burke (Michael Bowen) throws a spanner in the works, especially when he kills Darcy! Emily then uses her seductive powers (which are pretty hot to be fair) to try and get Burke to do the dirty for her. Meanwhile, Adele (Sheila Kelley) turns up looking for Darcy, she and Todd begin to uncover Emily's plot...

An average thriller that doesn't get out of first gear, the story plods along interspersed with a little violence and sex. David Warner adds a little class as a psychologist but the rest of the acting is fairly risible. It isn't brilliant by any means though is reasonably watchable.

The Hot Rock (1972)

A highly enjoyable early 70s heist movie that goes on and on.

Dortmunder (Robert Redford) is recruited by his brother-in-law Kelp (George Segal) to steal a diamond from a museum, a commission by Dr Amusa (Moses Gunn), an official from an African country. The heist, which involves a staged fake car crash, goes well. The diamond is stolen... but one of the gang members Greenburg (Paul Sand) is arrested... and he was the one with the loot.

Dortmunder and Kelp manage to bust Greenburg out of the gaol, they then discover that he hid the diamond at the police station when he was arrested! So, they have to raid the police station too. Dortmunder starts to feel that the diamond is cursed but he is going to get it if its the last thing he does...

Fairly far fetched but good fun, very cool in an early 70s California way too. If you like complicated and intricate heists in movies then you'll like this as you get them multiple times in this one!

Riders of the Purple Sage (1925)

A classic silent era Western, based on the famous Zane Grey novel.

Jim Carson (Tom Mix) rides to the rescue when his sister (Beatrice Burnham) and her daughter is kidnapped by some bad dudes on the order of the evil Lew Walters (Warner Oland). Jim saves his sister, then he links up with rancher Jane (Mabel Ballin) in her fight against some cattle rustlers called the Riders of the Purple Sage. Behind their crooked antics secretly is Walters, who is posing as a judge...

This has all you need for a top quality Western, a great hero, a great villain, superb scenery and lots and lots of action.

Spanking the Monkey (1994)

A rather dark film about a rather inappropriate relationship.

Ray (Jeremy Davies) comes home from MIT to care for his mother Susan (Alberta Watson) who has broken her leg. Mum is lonely and rather manipulative and Dad (Benjamin Hendrickson) is away from home as a salesman. He doesn't get on with Susan or Ray in any case and is a rather unpleasant individual. 

Caring for his mum, and seeing her naked, leads Ray to start having sexual thoughts about her. Unfortunately, she shares these thoughts and they begin a relationship putting him in competition with the old man...

Despite the taboo subject the film has some quite offbeat humour. All of the characters have flaws in different ways, apart from Ray perhaps. An interesting watch and a competent independent film.

Thrashin' (1986)

Classic 1980s youth gang action on four wheels, four wheels of a skateboard that is!

Corey (Josh Brolin) is a young hotshot skateboarder who arrives in LA with his crew to compete with the best. They immediately come into conflict with a bunch of skateboarding punks led by Hook (Robert Rusler). Corey is going to take part in a downhill race and grab all the glory and money. Hook has other ideas of course. Things get complicated when Corey meets Chrissy (Pamela Gidley) and they fall in love. Complicated because Chrissy is Hook's kid sister...

This is a fairly formulaic teen drama with the usual tale of challenge, set backs and eventual redemption. The film is often quite silly but is cool (especially if you are nostalgic for the 1980s) and fun. The skateboarding is realistic (and includes many accidents!)

Look out for the young unknown band who appear in an early scene. They were pretty good, i wonder what happened to them. They called them the Red Hot Chili Peppers i believe...

The Wild Women of Wongo (1958)

A very strange film, that somehow could only have been made in the 1950s.

Some time in the distant past, the jungle village of Wongo apparently has a problem, all the men are ugly and all the women beautiful. So beautiful in fact they look like they just came out of a salon instead of living in the prehistoric jungle and worshipping an alligator god. Then a young man called Engor (Johnny Walsh) from another village arrives asking for help against some wild men. Apparently in his village all the men are handsome hunks and the women ugly!

The daughter of the king of Wongo (Jean Hawkshaw) decides she doesn't want to marry a local ugly man and instead she wants the handsome guy from elsewhere. After disrespecting the alligator god (a prop which looks it was bought in a zoo souvenir shop) she and a group of other Wongo girls head off to hunt... guys.

Its a truly terrible film to be sure though the sheer camp makes it compelling. The actors look good in their designer animal skin swimwear though recite their lines like they are under duress. A parrot appears throughout the film making random squawks, certainly not annoying at all!

The Incredible 2-Headed Transplant (1971)

A weird and pretty low-rent horror.

Mad scientist Roger (Bruce Dern) has a secret, which he is keeping especially from his wife Linda (Pat Priest). He is conducting strange medical experiments on animals, grafting a second living head onto their bodies. Meanwhile a psychopathic murderer Cass (Albert Cole) has escaped from the asylum. He reaches Roger's home and wrecks havoc. Finally Roger and his assistant Max (Barry Kroeger) gun him down... then of course Roger and Max decide that they now have the perfect opportunity to take their experiments to the next level...

They graft Cass' had onto the body of huge but simple Danny (John Bloom). Naturally the creature escapes and begins a killing spree. The police are assisted by one of Roger's friends Ken (Casey Kasem - yes that one!) Roger and Max are also out to hide their evidence. As for Linda, well she gets attacked and menaced by the monster and ends up put in a cage by her husband. I suspect their marriage doesn't have long for this world...

A cheaply made piece of drivel. The film is fun (for all the wrong reasons of course). The story is pretty much by the numbers and the two headed effects rely on clever camera angles or puppets. Albert Cole is superbly and completely over the top as the paychopath.

Hackers (1995)

A hilariously dated tale of internet antics,

It's the early days of the commercial internet, when downloading a badly pixelated soft core porn Gif took half an hour and would probably fail on 95% after you lost your modem connection. Former virus writer Dade (Johnny Lee Miller) (better known as Zero Cool or Crash Override - on LinkedIn no doubt) gets back into the hacking game and joins a gang of hackers (including a rather amazing looking Angelina Jolie) who are hacking into a system owned by computer expert Belford (Fisher Stevens) trying proving he is on the take. But as Belford prefers to be known as The Plague we can probably guess he is up to no good...

Computing in movies has always been problematic, especially so in this film. The graphics were dated even in the day, of course everyone "hacks" computers by typing really fast! I started my career in internet development when this film came out, to be honest it wasn't much like this. Which is a shame.

It is totally nonsense of course but fun.

Sucker Money (1933)

A reasonable but nothing more film about fake spiritualists, they should have foreseen it had a few problems though.

The Swami (Mischa Auer) is in demand for his mystical powers, this includes naive business men who get financial advice from him (no more dodgy than any other way i suspect) and widows who seem easily swindled by a rather lame act if we are to be honest. Jimmy (Earl McCarthy) a reporter is investigating the Swami and infiltrates the organisation. The Swami meanwhile is trying to swindle banker Walton (Ralph Lewis) out of his cash and his daughter Claire (Phyllis Barrington) too. Jimmy is in a bad place, the Swami's gang are prepared to use murder to protect their interest, and Claire - whom Jimmy is sweet on - thinks he is really part of the rotten swindle...

So, its OK for a B-movie crime film. The concept of the film is more promising than the actual execution. The acting is a little suspect, as is the plot but this is an interesting subject, spiritualists and the mystical powers of beyond were pretty big in the 1930s.

The Black Torment (1964)

Dark Devilish sorcery is happening on a country estate, or is it?

Sir Richard Fordyke (John Turner) returns to his father's estate with his new bride Elizabeth (Heather Sears) to find things are not right. A young girl has been killed and her last words were Richard's name. The tenants are becoming rebellious, especially as Richard has apparently been seen on horseback being chased by his dead ex-wife!

Mysterious happenings at night further raise the tensions. Suspicion falls on Sir Richard although he maintains he was in London wooing Elizabeth. Richard begins to question his own sanity as his assistant Seymour (Peter Arne) or her father's carer Diane (Ann Lynn) wonder if there is something Devilish going on.

An intelligent psychological horror, you might guess what is really going on before too long and before Richard who is a little too overwrought, but this is a very well structured and made film. 

Soho Conspiracy (1950)

A rather cheaply made 1950s musical drama, padded out by footage from another film (Mad about the Opera) and unfortunately they are the best bits...

Plans to hold a charity concert are put in peril by a ruthless property developer who wants to take over a restaurant. That's it really, the film sounds like it should be a crime drama with the title it had but instead you get a rather muddled musical drama with a little too much unfunny slapstick (which relies too much on "funny foreigners and their strange ways").

Real artists like Beniamino Gigli and Gino Bechi appear in the film, sometimes obviously dubbed. The lovely Zena Marshall is one of the film's few good points. To be honest you would probably be a lot better served watching the original 1948 film instead...

The Halloween That Almost Wasn't (1979)

Rather surreal and rather weird, there isn't much to this TV movie but at least it's short enough to not outstay it's welcome... just.

Dracula (Judd Hirsch) has heard a terrible rumour that Halloween is to be canceled (maybe it's not woke enough?) He summons his fellow monsters including the Mummy, a Zombie, Frankenstein's Monster (John Schuck) and the Witch (Mariette Hartley) to find out how these rumours started. He discovers that it is the Witch who is responsible, she doesn't want to be a witch anymore and won't fly over the moon. Can Dracula force her to change her mind and save Halloween?

It is all rather silly, and pretty absurd. What the Witch really wants is to disco dance with the Count, which of course dates this film somewhat. A light hearted romp, the humour is pretty corny but (sometimes) hits the mark.

Retro Puppet Master (1999)

A really bizarre and grotesque horror film, a prequel in the long-running Puppet Master series.

Toulon (Guy Rolfe) and his puppets, possessed by the spirits of dead people, is in Switzerland. He tells a story about how it all started, going back to Egypt - which for some reason is all blue. The ancient sorcerer Afzel (Jack Donner) has stolen the secret of life from the god Sutekh. He heads to Paris (which is also all blue, no reason for this is ever given) pursued by Sukekh's mummies. Afzel is attacked outside a theatre where young Toulon (Greg Sestero) and his friends hold creepy puppet shows.

Afzel teaches Toulon how to transfer the spirit from the dead to a puppet (of course!) The mummies of Sutekh now also go after Toulon too, they kill his friends. Toulon places their spirits into his puppets to create an army to fight evil! The mummies force Toulon into a showdown on a train by kidnapping Ilsa (Brigitta Dau), a girl Toulon likes...

Very strange film indeed. The film is very macabre in look and feel, and very atmospheric. The pacing and acting is often fairly off, sometimes the puppets move with more fluidity. It all adds to the weirdness and the enjoyment.

The Girl from Rio (1969)

A bizarre crime action film. There are many films which make little sense, but this film makes none whatsoever.

The all-female queendom of Femina, under the rule of Sumitra (Shirley Eaton), wants to conquer the world. Jeff (Richard Wyler) has arrived in Rio with $10 million. The gangster Sir Masius (George Sanders), whose men drive around incognito in gaudy hearses, is after his money though his hoods are pretty useless in a fight. Sumitra also wants the cash as well and captures Jeff. Jeff is take to Femina and ends up in a glass cell along with Ulla (Marta Reeve) being tortured. We discover that Jeff is really here to rescue her. Though, he seems to pick up quite a harem along the way.

It's terrible campy nonsense really, but looks pretty funky. Sumitra's fortress is a concrete Brutalist marvel. Her tortures involve many strange early electronic noises. Her army of females are (of course) fairly scantily dressed. Well it was 1969, who needed acid when films like this were around?

L' Orgie Romaine (1911)

The hedonistic lives of the Roman Emperors (at least in popular imagination) have always been a rich subject for film. In this early film we follow the notorious Heliogabalus (Jean Aymé) as he indulges himself with a harem of women, boys and also lions!

Heliogabalus comes to a sticky end though when the Pretorian Guard finally tire of his cruelty and deviance. Live by the orgy, die by the sword as they probably never said.

A luscious film that certainly had no shortage of extras and fancy costumes. The camera is rather static and the acting frequently over dramatic but a good story is told none the less.

Gog (1954)

A bit slow and steady but a satisfying (and fairly realistic) sci-fi horror.

Dr Sheppard (Richard Egan) is assigned to a secret scientific base in the desert to investigate a couple of unexplained deaths in the lab. Dr Van Ness (Herbert Marshall) is keen to show him the scientific marvel he commands, everything controlled by a computer. That includes a couple of robots (one of them called Gog which explains the mysterious title).

However, an unnamed foreign power has infiltrated the base and is using radio waves to gain control of the computer and the robots. Can Sheppard and Merritt (Constance Dowling) stop the robots from blowing up the base in an atomic explosion?

This is a marvellous feast for fans of early computing with it's punched paper tape controlled robots and IBM teletype terminals. The film makes great use of real scientific footage to appear as plausible as possible (especially for the time period and genre). This does make the film slow at times but it is well worth it. No aliens to scare you this time but plenty of SCIENCE.

All Coppers Are... (1972)

Although not perfect, a really enjoyable early 1970s crime film.

Wannabe gangster Barry (Nicky Henson) has worked out a blag on a London cigarette factory. He meets Sue (Julia Foster) at a party, as well as Joe (Martin Potter). The three form a love triangle, though when Barry and Sue discover Joe is a police constable that all changes. Although Sue has real feelings for Joe (as does he, despite his wife (Wendy Allnut) and child!) her future is with Barry who is getting ready to raid the factory, though you just know Joe will get involved...

This is one of those films which you need to approach the right way to truly enjoy. That way to treat this as including footage from a long episode of the Sweeney. Wade (Ian Hendry) provides most of that with his cockney hardman character. The film has plenty of flaws, including most of the lead characters being rather unlikeable. It does look great though.

A really nostalgic film for 1970s London, when real working class people could live there, and you could easily find a parking space.

Carry on Columbus (1992)

The last Carry On film to be made, and you can see why...

The Turkish Sultan (Rik Mayall) is making a mint from trade heading to Europe from the East, however he discovers that a Portuguese map maker called Columbus (Jim Dale) is planning to find an alternative sea route which could ruin him. The Sultan sends his spy Fatima (Sara Crowe) and agent Achmed (Alexi Sayle) to stop him. Columbus has got funding from the King of Spain (Leslie Phillips) and is going to set sail...

Well we all know what happens of course. This is the usual mix of terrible jokes, double entendres and mild saucy antics that made the Carry On series such an icon of British comedy. 

Unfortunately apart from Jim Dale the old Carry On crew had either passed on or did not want to be involved with this film and much of the humour falls flat. Terrible lines which Sid James or Kenneth Williams made hilarious unfortunately fail without them. Some of the humour, such as the Inquisition scenes, does work but mostly because it has been updated a bit.

It's a terrible shame it had to end this way.

Killers from Space (1954)

Aliens invade Earth but rarely has it been as dull as this.

Atomic scientist Dr Martin (Peter Graves) disappears during a nuclear test when his plane crashes. He turns up a while later, with a gap in his memory. He finally recalls that he was contacted by aliens who plan to invade and conquer the Earth with giant spiders and lizards and other creepy crawlies the camera has zoomed in on.

The US military is naturally skeptical about Dr Martin's story, especially when he tells them the US should nuke the aliens in their underground base before it's too late. Then Dr Martin has the idea to cut power to the alien base which will make them explode (for some reason). What then follows is one of the most boring chase scenes through a power station you can imagine...

This really isn't a good film. The budget is low and the film is padded out ridiculously. Ironically the use of stock military footage of 1950s US jets and helicopters at the start of the film, originally just to pad the film out, is probably one of the best bits! Amusingly some of the actors sound half-cut while reciting their lines.

A Woman (1915)

An intriguing Charlie Chaplin film where he dresses as a woman in order to be near a woman.

While his wife (Marta Golden) and daughter (Edna Purviance) snooze in the park, Father (Charles Inslee) gets bored/horny and starts chasing after a young woman (Margie Reiger). However, the arrival of Charlie throws all of Father's wooing up in the air, and into the lake to be exact. The two sleeping ladies awake and both fall for Charlie though of course Father forbids it. Charlie resorts to dressing as a woman in order to continue his wooing of the daughter. Unfortunately Father quite fancies this new "lady" who has come to the house...

Not the best Charlie Chaplin short comedy of the decade, the comedy style was still evolving, but certainly well worth watching. Chaplin makes a rather convincing female it has to be said.

Morons from Outer Space (1985)

An entertaining and often funny film that poses the important question: what if we are finally visited by aliens from outer space, but they are idiots?

Sandra (Joanne Pearce), Desmond (Jimmy Nail) and Julian (Paul Bown) are aliens (who have human form... and names!) who accidentally crash on Earth leaving their leader Bernard (Mel Smith) marooned in space. The authorities excited probe and question the visitors but are soon left disappointed at the apparent lack of intellect. US official Laribee (James Sikking) is suspicious and thinks things will come flying from their heads. Minor TV reporter Graham (Griff Rhys Jones) helps breaks the visitors out and into the public. Overnight they become a pop sensation despite not really having any abilities whatsoever...

Bernard has finally made it to Earth though no one believes he is an alien too. Can he reunite with his former crew who have now arrived in the US for a massive concert?

An amiable and silly if not brilliant film. The humour is good though stretched a bit thinly at times (the story would have probably been better served by a series of skits in the Alas Smith & Jones TV show). You could say it is rather far fetched though, as if some talentless nobodies could become world famous just by being idiots? Now that is science fiction, isn't it?