Attack of the Super Monsters (1982)

These arn't just any old monsters, these are super monsters!

Evil Lord Tyrannos leads the Dinosaurs back to the surface of the Earth, having been living deep underground in secret all these years. He unleashes his monsters and waves of terrestrial mammals mutated by his evil powers on Earth to destroy mankind. He starts with a wave of red dogs. The only thing that can save humanity is, of course, four teenagers! Two of which have the Gemini power which means they merge using cyber power to become a super flying machine with drills.

You might have guessed by now that this is Japanese. The monsters are played by guys in rubber suits, destroyed cardboard buildings. The rest of the footage is anime and it can be a bit jarring at times switching between the two.

This film is made up of four episodes of a TV series (Dinosaur War Izenborg), each episode following the same formula so we get quite a bit of repetition. It is great fun though doesn't make a lot of sense, Tyrannos sounds terrific, though he it does seem like he needs something for his sore throat.

The Mole People (1956)

Although not executed that well this film has a brilliant premise. 

A team of archaeologists in Mesopotamia (we can guess, the film just describes it as "Asia" which doesn't really narrow things down much) discover some ancient writings near the top of a mountain. Dr Bentley (John Agar) and his buddies are trapped under a glacier after an earthquake and discover a lost Sumerian civilisation which has existed underground for the last five thousand years!

The Sumerians exist on mushrooms and enslave savage reptilian like creatures. They also have a harsh and deadly regime where surplus population are sacrificed to Ishtar. Bentley poses as a herald of Ishtar and has a crush on slave girl Adad (Cynthia Patrick). Meanwhile, the high priest (Alan Napier) is suspicious of Bentley and plans to get rid of him...

Although a fairly basic film in many ways i loved the idea of this film, being a historian myself (even if their "Sumerian" script is actually Egyptian hieroglyphs at times not cuneiform!) Lost worlds are always fun, more than the real world indeed.

Call the Mesquiteers (1938)

Part of the very long running Mesquiteers series of westerns, though as this takes place in the present (well 1930s) day can it be a western or just a crime drama with stetsons?

The Mesquiteers are dragged into a criminal conspiracy when their truck is stopped by some robbers on the run after doing a job. The criminals are killed in a shootout with the Mesquiteers but the police don't know that the Mesquiteers are innocent and now our heroes Ray Corrigan, Robert Livingston and Max Terhune are on the run from the law (who seem keen on doing an instant lynching) and catch the real criminals...

Despite the modern day setting this is a standard Mesquiteer film with the requisite amount of horse riding, fighting and interplay between the trio. Its a reasonable film, not the best in the series but perfectly fine to watch.

Santa's Christmas Circus (1966)

A somewhat awful little film in many ways though (unintentionally) funny in others.

The clown Whizzo (Frank Wiziarde), after much mild slapstick and messing about, finally gathers a group of children who sit around while he tries to entertain them and instil some Christmas spirit. To be honest they often look pretty bored and cough a lot (one seems to fart as well). Finally, Whizzo takes them to see Santa Claus (John Bilyeu) on a flying carpet (well of course). 

This is a strange film to be honest. Some of Whizzo's humour hasn't dated too well, though you wonder if it was that funny in the 1960s considering the audience reaction in the film! None of it really makes much sense. Maybe you shouldn't really expect it to?

The film has some nice footage of department store Christmas displays and a pleasing kitsch look and feel though at times will test your Christmas spirit. The real star of the film is the little girl who coughs throughout.

Santa with Muscles (1996)

A Hulk Hogan Christmas movie, this isn't as bad as you think it'll be. Its far worse.

Blake (Hogan) is a mean millionaire. In typical movie cliche style he bangs his head and now becomes a good guy in his amnesiac state. No one recognises him despite the fact he made his money selling best selling health supplements with his face plastered all over them! Plus the fact Hulk Hogan isn't exactly the most inconspicuous looking person in the world. As Blake banged his head wearing a Santa outfit for reasons he thinks he really is Father Christmas.

Meanwhile, another rich evil man called Ebner Frost (Ed Begley Jr) wants to close down an orphanage so he can get his hands on highly volatile crystals in catacombs below the orphanage. Blake, who by now has regained his memory, and also reveals he was at the orphanage as a child, becomes a good guy (yay!) and battles Frost and his collection of goons (which includes Brutus Beefcake as a "sumo lab assistant" - what?)

So, a very strange film indeed. Quite terrible in terms of story and plot too, some of the action scenes are well done - if rather inexplicable. The comedy though, which the film really should have more of, is lacking badly - apart from the unintentional of course.

The Christmas Tree (1975)

There isn't much to this short film. The tale of a tinsel Christmas tree that is taken to a home, stands watch over Christmas and is then binned and burnt (and goes to Christmas tree heaven!)

This tree has a face (Julian Chagrin) however, but the family do not seem to notice this oddity. It is a charming but somewhat odd film, and i love it. As a child of the 1970s, the most dear Christmas time to me was the mid-1970s when it was still a wonder to me and not a chore. The true magic of Christmas is there. Coming down to the tree all excited on Christmas morning to get my new toys. Luckily our trees didn't have faces, or die for that matter as it was made of plastic tinsel. 

So, this is a great little oddity of a film and the best Christmas film i've ever seen (though to be honest that isn't saying much as the genre is usually pretty awful). Anyway Merry Christmas!

Carry on Christmas (1969)

The Carry On team do a Christmas Carol... and er... Frankenstein and Dracula for some reason.

Scrooge (Sid James) makes the life of Cratchit (Bernard Bresslaw) a misery. Scrooge is visited by the ghost of Christmas past (Charles Hawtrey) and present (Barbara Windsor). We then get a rather odd horror film pastiche involving Dr Frank N Stein (Terry Scott) and then a pantomime. It is all rather strange and all rather awful...

The script was rather uninspired and it seems thrown together very poorly. The only real humour is from the classic catchphrases from the likes of Sid James and Charles Hawtrey. 

Its a real shame as this could have been something special with most of the classic cast being present. Best enjoyed on Christmas night after half a bottle of brandy.

The Fairy King of Ar (1998)

A whimsical tale of fairies and elves. 

Kyle (Jameson Baltes) and Evie (Brittney Bomann) are told tales of elves by their grandmother. A short while later, after their grandmother has passed, the family have come to live in her house. 

However, the family encounter strange reactions from, and are made unwelcome by, the villagers and the house's gardener (Malcolm McDowell). There is some sort of local secret the villagers do not want the family messing with. The children also begin to encounter little flying creatures in the woods. It all leads to an old gold mine where the fairies are trapped...

Its a nice little film but nothing much more than that. The children actors do a good job and the fairy special effects are quite enchanting. The plot though is as ethereal as any of the woodland folk and the whole film meanders at times.

Mandrake, the Magician (Serial) (1939)

An enjoyable comic book adaptation about a magician who fights crimes with his side kick (Al Kikume), kind of like Batman in a top hat.

Mandrake (Warren Hull) is on an ocean liner doing card tricks, and trying to avoid being shot by random hoodlums. Meanwhile, Professor Houston (Forbes Murray) is perfecting his new radium ray cannon but the technology is wanted by the maniacal villain The Wasp. Houston is kidnapped by The Wasp's henchmen. 

Can Mandrake and Houston's daughter Betty (Doris Weston) save the day in a series of death defying cliff hangers?

This is marvellously pulpy tosh though very entertaining all the same. It has all the ingredients for a decent 1930s serial and works very well overall though will get a bit a repetitive in the end as these serials tend to do. Great fun and The Wasp is a piece of genius.

Charlie Chan in Panama (1940)

One of the best Charlie Chan films as he uncovers an enemy plot to sabotage the Panama Canal...

Charlie Chan (Sidney Toler) is working undercover in Panama (selling hats of course). When a group of travellers arrive in town, one of them visits Charlie (his contact) but dies soon after, poisoned by his own cigarettes. Charlie and Jimmy (Victor Sen Yung) investigate the other travellers, one of whom is thought to be a mysterious foreign agent and who plans to attack the Panama Canal while a US Navy fleet is sailing through it...

This is a great film that keeps you guessing until the end (though seasoned watchers / readers of whodunnits from this period will probably guess who the agent is!) The high stakes (the world was at war, though America was not yet involved but probably knew they would soon), intricate plot and good performances (including by Jack La Rue, who always plays a good villain) make this a highly enjoyable film.

Plan 9 from Outer Space (1957)

The Citizen Kane of bad movies, a legend in the trash movie genre. But it is really that bad? Yes.

Flying saucers (wobbly ones at that) are visiting the Earth. For some reason they are bringing the dead back to life, including the rather unfortunate Bela Lugosi (this was indeed his last film). These zombies can be controlled by the aliens for their own nefarious ends. The police and military vaguely mill around and eventually confront the aliens including Vampira and Tor Johnson on their wobbly space saucer...

A very low budget film indeed, and often unintentionally hilarious (such as when a soldier is supposed to be standing in the open but you can see the wrinkles in the "sky" behind him). The acting veers between basic and terrible and the story is very confused (is this a science fiction film or a horror?) 

It is wonderful though because of that, it's cult classic status is well deserved. Everyone needs to see this film at least once.

Robo Vampire (1988)

What on Earth is going on here, it seems like at least three films all spliced together. Well it is by Godfrey Ho...

Thai drug lords have a highly effective though also unusual weapon in their armoury: Chinese hopping vampires! Meanwhile, anti-drug agent Tom is killed in action, but then bought back to life in a knock-off RoboCop-like manner in a highly scientific operation carried out in a battered looking spare room at the police station. This version of the robot policeman however, looks rather laughable with his silver padded jacket and helmet. He battles the vampires, and the drug barons' hoods. Meanwhile, a female agent is captured by the drug lords...

This film makes no sense whatsoever! Godfrey Ho spliced together a Thai action movie with new footage (1984's Paa Lohgan to be precise) with some new footage of the Not-Robocop fighting hopping vampires. The result is incredibly incoherent but the film is undoubtably entertaining and frequently unintentionally hilarious with it's endless but also senseless action scenes. 

This film is pretty amazing, for most of it you won't really believe your eyes and maybe you will wonder if someone spiked your drink. Just be glad a film like this exists.

The Wonderful Land of Oz (1969)

Don't do drugs kids, you might end up making a film like this.

Evil Mombi (Zisca Baum) the witch threatens to turn young Tip (Chan Mahon) into a statue after he creates a man out of a pumpkin (George Wadsworth). He runs away with his pumpkin man to the Emerald City but gets mixed up in a military coup. Tip teams up with the Scarecrow (Michael R Thomas) and Tin man (Allen Joseph) to raise their own army against the revolution...

Where do we start with this film, it is all pretty awful. The sets are cheap and basic, the acting is mostly terrible (apart from Zisca Baum who is pretty good as a witch). If you haven't suffered enough then there are some dreadful songs too. 

Oh there is a badly made puppet cow head too. Its all pretty amazing, though mostly in a bad way.

Confessions of a Window Cleaner (1974)

The first in a series of British sex comedies, you'll probably love or hate it. I love a bit of it!

Tim (Robin Askwith) is working as an apprentice window cleaner for his brother-in-law Sidney (Anthony Booth). However, Tim soon realises that bored housewives are driven incredibly randy by window cleaners apparently (knww i should have taken up my grandfather's trade)... 

Whilst indulging in saucy but what are often also rather awkward situations with various ladies, Tim falls in love with policewoman Elizabeth (Linda Hayden), much to the chagrin of his Dad (Bill Maynard) who has filled the house with nicked junk...

This is a typical early 1970s British film. Saucy, smutty, grubby and tawdry with a few decent tunes. However, it is also wonderfully enjoyable. The film is pretty ridiculous and is a great fun sex comedy, maybe not boisterously hilarious for a comedy but certainly has plenty of sex. John Le Mesurier is excellent as Elizabeth's disapproving police inspector father.

The League of Frightened Men (1937)

The somewhat unlikely screen detective Nero Wolfe's second and last appearance.

A group of Harvard alumni plea for help from private detective Nero Wolfe (Walter Connolly). At least two of their number have been killed and they think Chaplin (Eduardo Ciannelli), who became accidentally crippled due to their hazing at uni, is out for revenge and is behind the murders.

Wolfe, who is housebound, sends his assistant Archie (Lionel Stander) to do the legwork. Chaplin is a popular author and some of Archie's detective work includes trying to get his hands on Chaplin's typewriter and skulking around bookshops. The plot proceeds with the usual red herrings, tangents and clues of a typical 1930s detective B-movie...

Because that is what this is, a typical film of the genre. It isn't really a Nero Wolfe movie, from what i have read of the literary character, the Wolfe in this film is quite different (which is probably why the movie series ended with this one). So, treat it like it is, a decent if not overly brilliant detective film. It certainly has a great title. 

Invasion of the Saucer Men (1957)

Teenagers versus little green men, not as terrible as you might expect!

A UFO lands near a small town, the aliens having large heads and eyes and fingers that spread venom. They are encountered by some of the town's "teenagers" (who look on average 27) who are busy on Lover's Lane doing teenager things. When Johnny (Steven Terrell) and Joan (Gloria Castillo) run down one of the aliens all their troubles start, especially with an incredulous police force. Little green men eh? 

The US military know about the UFO though, and manage to blow it up. They blame the explosion on a jetplane crash, however a group of the aliens are still running rampant through the countryside worrying cattle. Looks like the teens may have to save the day...

A low budget science-fiction film, and often pretty silly and cheesy. However, the film holds together, remarkably well despite everything. Its a fun film and a decent watch.

Martial Law (1991)

This low-budget direct to video and somewhat cheesy martial arts crime movie could have been terrible but luckily/somehow it isn't...

The dangerous Rhodes (David Carradine) is a crime boss involved in gun smuggling and sports car theft, he is also a master of martial arts. So, who best to investigate him then than two cops who are also martial arts masters in the form of Sean (Chad McQueen) and Billie (Cynthia Rothrock)? However, Sean's younger brother Michael (Andy McCutcheon) has been dragged into a life of crime and comes under the wing of Rhodes...

So, you kind of know what this film is going to be like. A series of action set pieces held together by a serviceable though pretty flimsy and unoriginal plot. However, the action set pieces are in fact pretty good with plenty of violence and well planned fighting scenes. 

Much of the rest of the film is of variable quality but the sometimes unintentionally hilarious acting and storyline makes the film very entertaining indeed.

Gang War (1940)

A low budget "race movie" starring, made by and aimed at black Americans, and a fast moving snappy crime tale.

Killer Meade (Ralph Cooper) takes over a Harlem gang and then enters a war with a rival gang leader (Laurence Criner). Meanwhile, he is wooing Maizie (Gladys Snyder) though she is engaged to another man. Maizie doesn't want Killer to end up... er... killed. When Killer goes to finally finish off his rival, Maizie calls Lieutenant Holmes (Jess Lee Brooks). Killer ain't going to be taken alive though...

A breezy and cool film, much of the plot is detailed via newspaper front pages displayed in the screen. This gives more of the limited run time to more interesting things like shooting, and a lengthy scene at the club with various acts. The film is exciting though suffers at times from the low budget and limited acting abilities of some of the cast, though not the leads who all do a decent job. In fact this is a surprisingly good film.

Mars Needs Women (1968)

A rather bizarre science-fiction film, about the Martian need for Earth women...

Mars is dying due to reasons, the Martian Dop (Tommy Kirk) leads a team to Earth to find some suitable fertile females for breeding purposes. Dop announces this plan to the US military beforehand for some reason. Dop and his team begin selecting suitable females. Pole dancers and flight attendants seem to be the preferred choice (natch). 

However, Dop selects the female scientist Dr Bolen (Yvonne Craig) for his target and falls in love with her. The authorities are meanwhile searching high and low for the Martians...

This is a pretty awful film to be honest. The overall premise is sound perhaps though crudely implemented and overall the film is pretty sleazy and cheap. The story makes little sense of course and often is (unintentionally) hilarious.

Thru Traffic (1935)

Amiable melodrama that ironically doesn't get into high gear.

Two rival racing car drivers Martin (Paul Kelly) and Dan (Russell Hardie) have their careers cut short in a bad accident. They decide to go into business together with a garage. However, crooked politicians who want to involve the garage in their kickback scam and a love triangle with Pat (Marguerite Churchill) put their friendship in peril... 

It's a decent enough film, a typically fast moving B-movie that lacks a bit of depth. Everything is a little rushed due to the short B-movie running time. Its fine though, a perfectly inoffensive film but could have been better.

Double Nickels (1977)

A low budget and even lower plot car chase marathon but despite everything somehow this is a very good film.

Smokey (Jack Vacek) and Ed (Ed Abrahms) are Californian highway patrolmen who get involved with George (George Cole) and his car repro business to earn a little more dough. However, they discover that the cars they are repossessing are really stolen. George finds that he also has been duped by the Mr Big. The three of them team up to sort things out amid many car chases.

This is a low budget film with basic acting, indeed many of the cast are obviously none-actors but it does give the acting and film in general a genial and natural air. There is no need to worry too much about the acting or basic plot though, most of the film is car chases and sometimes are done very well. 

The film probably won't please everyone but i love low budget and basic films from this era. It works really well and is a very enjoyable film.

Journey to the Center of Time (1967)

Low budget and fairly low quality time travel science fiction fare, some of the ideas are quite interesting though.

Dr Gordon (Abraham Sofaer), Mark (Anthony Eisley) and Karen (Gigi Perreau) are working on a science project to see into the past. Unfortunately they can only see 24 hours into the past. Their backer Stanton (Scott Brady) tells them they need to show some better results or he is pulling the funding. During a last gasp experiment various things go bang and they can see into the far future. In fact they can't just see the future... they are there.

After a short period where they get involved in a short battle between future human barbarians and light blue skinned aliens, they are sent into the far past and get menaced by rather dodgy looking dinosaurs (even though they've only gone back 1 million years)...

This film is nonsense and takes place mostly on one set padded out with a lot of stock footage. The lab does have the necessary amount of dials and flashing lights so you know that SCIENCE is taking place! Various weird events take place and are explained using large amounts of scientific mumbo jumbo, thus this film can be seen as the forerunner of many awful Star Trek episodes. The film isn't very good but is entertaining enough to be able to hold your interest.