Contamination (1980)

A genuine "video nasty" from the 1980s and you can see why as it had plenty of exploding abdomens. A freighter arrives at New York with a dead crew, and they have died in an incredibly gruesome manner. The police discover some mysterious green eggs, one proceeds to explode covering the cops in goo... the cops then die horribly by giving their innards some air.

Colonel Stella Holmes (Louise Marleau) is investigating for the US government, enlisting the help of police man (and only survivor of the earlier gore fest) Tony Aris (Marino Masé). After some experiments in the lab (including blowing up a rat) they think the eggs and the goo have an extraterrestrial origin... from Mars to be exact. Holmes tracks down ex-astronaut Hubbard (Ian McCulloch) who went off the rails following his mission. He indeed did see the eggs on Mars though his fellow astronaut Hamilton (Siegfried Rauch) denied there was anything there. Pity he died in a plane crash... or did he?

Complete nonsense of course, obviously influenced by Alien though not a complete rip-off. A fun film if approached in the right way, and that right way is to have a laugh at the ridiculous alien monster and exploding bellies. Entertaining rubbish. The film was apparently funded by Columbian drug barons, perfect!

Dinosaurus! (1960)

On a tropical island paradise, which the white men are blowing up and bulldozing of course, Betty (Kristina Hanson) discovers two monsters underwater just off the beach. The monsters are frozen and have been released from the depths by the explosions. Bart (Ward Ramsey) orders the two beasts bought up to the surface, they are dinosaurs! A tyrannosaurus and a brontosaurus to be exact (well an apatosaurus really but this isn't a film to come to for palaeontological accuracy to be honest).

However, a storm overnight cuts the island off from the mainland and the dinosaurs are coming to life. Crooked local overlord Hacker (Fred Engelberg) discovers that a neanderthal was also released from the depths, he seeks to sell the neanderthal to become rich. Once the dinosaurs are active and causing havoc, Bart orders everyone to an old fortress. 

Unfortunately the local annoying kid Julio (Alan Roberts) has run off and is having an adventure with the neanderthal and the brontosaurus. Bart has to save Julio and stop the crooked plans of Hacker and avoid becoming a tyrannosaurus' lunch...

Not a terrible stop-motion monster film, the addition of the neanderthal gives the film some comedy when he is scared of a toilet flushing! Although not very original this is straight forward and enjoyable monster action.

Them Thar Hills (1934)

Poor Oliver Hardy has gout, his doctor (Billy Gilbert) tells him he needs to get some mountain air. With Stan Laurel, he heads into the countryside with a trailer. They find an idyllic spot which apparently has no inhabitants... in fact those inhabitants were arrested a short time ago. They were moonshiners and they dumped their booze down the well before the arrest.

Unaware of this Stan fills a bucket of "water" from the well. It doesn't take long until he and Ollie are absolutely hammered. Passing motorist Mrs Hall (Mae Busch) also gets drunk much to her husband's (Charlie Hall) fury...

A highly enjoyable comedy short, a simple idea which is pushed to the max. Silly and perfectly timed with a good dose of slapstick.

The Beast of the Yellow Night (1971)

A very strange film. In the early postwar Philippines jungle a dying war criminal, Langdon is given a choice by Satan (Vic Diaz). He can either continue to live by serve the Devil forever or die. Langdon chooses the former. We then switch to the present day (well early 1970s anyway) and a bad man is buried. This apparently was Langdon's previous host, Langdon's next host is businessman Philip Rogers (Josh Ashley). Langdon's mission is to awaken evil in the people he meets. Langdon/Rogers has an interesting way in serving Satan. As well as treat his now-wife Julia (Mary Charlotte Wilcox) with indifference and try and pass her off to Rogers' brother, he likes to go out at night, change into a disfigured demon and eat people...

However, by now Langdon is tired of being Satan's slave and wants out of his contract but unfortunately he has no way out and must serve Satan forever (small print eh?) Even when the police led by de Santos (Leopoldo Salcedo) shoot him (in demon mode) it has no effect. Langdon finally finds some kind of solace with a blind man (Andres Centenera). who was a notorious wanted criminal in his younger days but now is patiently awaiting the end and peace...

Truthfully, this is a rather confusing film. It is entertaining enough nonsense about a flesh eating monster loose on the streets of Manila though the story doesn't really go anywhere. The demon make-up is quite well done and Diaz' comedy Satan adds a little extra dimension to what is overall a rather plodding film. There are a number of annoying plot holes too. Despite all that is is enjoyable.

The Mummy (1959)

Many years ago the ancient Egyptian princess Ananka is buried in a tomb according to the law by the high priest of the god Karnak, Kharnis (Christopher Lee). However, Kharnis violates the tomb due to his love for Ananka. He tries to bring her back to life but is caught by the other priests. He is mummified and told to stand guard over Ananka for eternity...

Many years later the tomb is discovered and looted... i mean scientifically explored by Banning (Felix Alymer), his son John (Peter Cushing) and Whemple (Raymond Huntley). Despite the warnings of the strange man Bey (George Pastell) of doom if they desecrate the tomb they press on. Banning discovers the scroll of the dead and inadvertently brings Kharnis back to life. The shock drives him mad...

Now back in England some years later, Bey brings Kharnis to England with him with one aim: kill the men who desecrated the tomb of Ananka...

This is a superb occult horror film, though uneven in pace. The scenes set in ancient Egypt give the film an extra dimension and a romantic sub-plot which gives the "monster" some meaning.

High School Hero (1946)

Part of the Teen-Agers series of movies (not that any of them were). Things are going badly at school. The football team is useless and the school newsletter headed by Betty (Noel Neill) is doomed unless she can find some news. There is plenty of potential news though, the governor (Pierre Watkin) is going to visit the school and the principal (Milton Kibbee) and history teacher (Belle Mitchell) are - kind of - having a thing.

The "teens" get up to various hi-jinks including getting Dodie (June Preisser) to pretend to be a player on the team, and Freddie (Freddie Stewart) getting mixed up with the singer Chi Chi (Lita Baron) - who earlier does a bizarre horse based musical number...

Complete nonsense of course but charming enough with light goofy humour a-plenty. There are a number of cool jazz numbers too, Freddie Stewart had a really good voice. Just don't expect any actual teens.

Bloody Pit of Horror (1965)

A bizarre film containing much torture and death, though all with a strange air of camp. The Crimson Executioner is a notorious maniac who is put to death in his own castle. Hundreds of years later that castle is inhabited by a deranged bodybuilder called Travis (Mickey Hargitay). When an erotic film crew turn up at his castle, he initially turns them away but when he sees his ex Edith (Luisa Baretto) is amongst them he changes his mind.

Then the deaths begin, in horrible and bizarre manner including a strange spider web with booby trapped darts (which is in fact a complete flop). Rick (Walter Brandi) manages to avoid being killed by an incredibly slow bed of nails. Having beaten up Travis' rather poor henchmen, he discovers Travis' torture chamber where he prances from torture to torture, including putting Edith on a rather slow grill...

It is all rather weird. Despite the sadism and torture, the sheer campness of the Crimson Executioner as he jumps around just makes everything so absurd. Somehow it makes a film detailing the painful torture and destruction of young men and women rather silly and very cheesy.

Yor: The Hunter from the Future (1983)

A fantastic movie. Fantastically confused, fantastically cheesy and fantastically odd. But just fantastic. Yor (Red Brown) is a buff Conan-esque like figure with great hair who saves Pag (Luciano Pigozzi) and Kalaa (Corinne Cléry) from an unconvincing beast in a wild land of animal skins and axes. Yor is a bit of a lost soul who doesn't really know where he comes from, Pag and Kalaa (who takes a shine to Yor) tag on along with him on his vague quest.

He discovers another woman Roa (Ayshe Gul) who seems to have a similar ancestry to Yor, and also takes a shine to him to Kalaa's fury. Luckily Roa is soon despatched by some unconvincing ape men. Yor and company finally arrive at a mysterious island ruled by the Overlord (John Steiner). The movie then switches from a low budget sub-Conan action film to a low budget science-fiction romp as Yor discovers his parents were from outer space. Yor leads the revolt against the evil Overlord and his army of rather immobile robots...

A terrific film really, it might be all rather cheap and unoriginal but it is also very much fun. We have to wait a long time for the appearance of the main villain, the Overlord but he is worth the wait in all his Darth Vader cosplaying glory.

Things to Come (1936)

An extraordinary film, though it's vision of the future might be considered rather flawed nowadays. It is 1940 and the world is on the verge of war. Cabal (Raymond Massey) and Passworthy (Edward Chapman) argue about whether war will occur and what will happen. Cabal is proved right, and the world is hurled into a war which lasts for decades. The world is reduced to the level of savagery under the control of jumped up warlords like The Boss (Ralph Richardson).

Well not quite all of the world. There is a faction, which includes Cabal in it's ranks, who have continued the pursuit of progress and science and now possess a fleet of incredible flying wings which easily defeats The Boss's ragtag band. The world is united in progress. We then jump to 2036 and Cabal's and Passworthy's descendants live in an Art Deco wonderland od underground cities, and everyone wears cloaks. However, the latest project to send people around the Moon raises the ire of artist Theotocopulos (Cedric Hardwicke) who thinks the relentless march of progress must finally be stopped...

The film is very interesting rather than being overtly entertaining. The far future part of the film looks amazing (though future society despite the wonders of science seems to be as patriarchal as the 1930s). The downsides of endless scientific progress are not explored, bashed aside as irrelevant when they are mentioned. But what a vision, perhaps that is how it could have been... or be?

The Amazing Transparent Man (1960)

A low-budget and rather Noir version of the Invisible Man story. Safe cracker Joey Faust (Douglas Kennedy) is broken out of prison by Laura (Marguerite Chapman) on the orders of Major Krenner (James Griffith). The Major wants to use Faust for his deranged plans to create an invisible army! By using the science of Dr Ulof (Ivan Tresault), Faust is made invisible using nuclear rays. These abilities are used to steal more nuclear material.

However, Faust sees potential for his new invisible abilities to steal cash not nuclear materials. Unfortunately during a heist he discovers there is a drawback: his invisibility wears off! 

A short film but one which packs a hell of a lot of plot into it. An interesting film with nearly every character having a dark motive for their actions. Not great but not worth watching.

Dracula (1958)

The first Hammer horror to star Christopher Lee as Dracula, of course there would be many more to come. Harker (John Van Eyssen) arrives at a mysterious castle to take up his new role as the Count Dracula's librarian. However, he is really there to hunt vampires... Dracula to be precise. However, he fails to defeat Dracula and becomes yet another victim.

A little later Harker's friend and colleague Van Helsing (Peter Cushing) discovers Harker's diary and then Harker himself, now a vampire too. Van Helsing puts a stake through Harker's heart but Dracula himself is nowhere to be seen. Van Helsing meets the family of Harker's fiancée (Carol Marsh) who is ailing. She is also a victim of the evil Count. With the help of Holmwood (Michael Gough), Van Helsing battles to stop Dracula once and for all...

This is a truly great Dracula film, one of the best. Lee's impressive physicality adding extra menace and eroticism to the dark Count. 

Adventures of a Private Eye (1977)

A good old 1970s British sex comedy, terrible yet compelling in equal measure. Bob (Christopher Neil) is the assistant to a private detective (Jon Pertwee), when the detective heads off for some extended horizontal jogging with his secretary Bob is told to mind the store and not take on any cases. But when Laura (Suzy Kendall) turns up with a request to get rid of some uncompromising photographs and negatives which she is being blackmailed with and is putting her inheritance in peril, of course Bob takes on the job even though he doesn't really have any idea what he is doing...

He is invited down to the country house where Laura lives with other family members (who are all odd in their own ways). Bob suspects he knows who the blackmailer is though it is quite obvious he is being manipulated by Laura, unfortunately for Bob he gets endlessly distracted by bored housewives and ends up in various uncompromising positions...

A confused film though not unentertaining. It is a saucy sex comedy though the sex is pretty tame and barely erotic (though the film has plenty of nudity) and the comedy is sometimes suspect and often falls flat. It is all very politically incorrect nowadays of course though that is no bad thing. It certainly has plenty of stars in it including Diana Dors, Harry H Corbett, Ian Lavender and Adrienne Posta. Probably the best part of the film is when Bob goes to a police station and he passes Police 5's Shaw Taylor!

Jane and the Lost City (1987)

An adaptation of a wartime comic strip about Jane who... loses her clothes a lot. Happily that tradition continues in this film which is completely puerile and silly but that is exactly how it should be to be honest. 

With the war ongoing, both the British and Germans are in need of money, Luckily there is a fortune in diamonds to be found in a lost city of Africa. Evil Nazi agent Lola Pagola (Maud Adams) and her bumbling assassin Heinrich (Jasper Carrott) are sent to Africa, the British send The Colonel (Robin Bailey), his servant Tombs (Graham Stark) and Jane (Kirsten Hughes)...

The British leg of the expedition gets off to a bad start when their plane crashes due to Nazi scheming, but they are rescued by the hunky American Jungle Jack (Sam Jones). He claims expert knowledge of the African bush though this often seems a bit suspect. When they finally find the Lost City it is ruled by the Leopard Queen (Elsa O'Toole) who is more a bit of a Sloane Queen and longs to get back to Blighty, ok ya?! 

The film is complete farce, overall not the funniest of films but as an adaptation of a comic strip it works really well and it has it's moments. The cast let the film down a bit with some indifferent performances, if the film had been made by the Carry On team - for example - it would have been hilarious. As it is, its perfectly passable.

Twice Two (1933)

The gimmick in this Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy comedy short is that Stan and Ollie are married to each other's sisters - who just happen to look exactly like their brothers except for the voices. As their joint first wedding anniversary (yes of course they got married on the same day!) is today they hold a dinner party. This quickly descends into chaos and a destroyed cake (or two). The two wives don't really like each other...

A simple thing with good slapstick and classic Laurel and Hardy interactions. Although not the best of their comedy shorts, this is a good bit of fun. The only annoying bit is Mrs Hardy's voice which is terribly high pitched. The actress who provided the voice, Carol Tevis, also provided the voice for the Munchkins in The Wizard of Oz!

Dr. Who and the Daleks (1965)

The first big screen outing for Dr Who, though in this carnation he seems to be merely an eccentric human inventor rather than a Timelord. Dr Who (Peter Cushing) has developed a time and space machine called the TARDIS. He is showing this to his grand-daughter's new boyfriend Ian (Roy Castle) when they - along with Barbara (Jennie Linden) and Susan (Roberta Tovey) are accidentally sent to another time and space... to a desolate planet.

Amid the desolation they discover a city... inhabited by cruel machines called Daleks. The Daleks hold a vital part of the TARDIS which means Dr Who and company can't escape. They encounter the Thals led by Alydon (Barry Ingham) and team up to defeat the Daleks and save what is left of the Thals' world...

An enjoyable science-fiction romp, unfortunately a little comedy was added to lighten the tone (not that it really needed it and this usually falls quite flat). As a straight forward Dr Who adventure it works pretty well, lacking much of the wit of the canon Dr Who but retaining some of the awe and fun and the slightly larger budget helps of course. 

Breaker! Breaker! (1977)

Chuck Norris fighting a bunch of in-bred hicks. Young trucker Billy (Michael Augenstein) ends up in a one horse town hilariously called Texas City, California. He is fitted up with various crimes by the drunk judge Trimmings (George Murdock) and beaten up by his pet corrupt cops Strode (Don Gentry) and Boles (Ron Cedillos). Billy's big brother J.D. (Norris) comes looking for him. He immediately gets into trouble with moonshine runners, who apparently have the blessing of the Trimmings regime.

Indeed the whole town is in on the scheme, except for Arlene (Terry O'Connor), but J.D. has little trouble in beating up the cops and the town's menfolk with his martial arts skills. However, the tricky rednecks finally capture J.D. but Arlene manages to call on other truckers using CB radio and they end up wrecking the town!

A silly film which is unintentionally hilarious, the lazy sterotypes are laid on a mile thick. Chuck Norris despatches various dudes with bad facial hair over a banjo soundtrack. It is equally terrible and brilliant.

Saps at Sea (1940)

Some consider this the last good Stan Laurel and Olivier Hardy film (the last for Hal Roach) though if truth be told their powers were already on the decline. 

Ollie suffers a nervous breakdown while working at a horn factory, the sound of horns driving him into a frenzy. He is told to seek sea air but he resists, but after Stan semi-demolishes their apartment, Ollie decides that maybe he does need to get on a boat after all...

Meanwhile, tough escaped con Nick (Richard Cramer) is looking for a place to hide. He chooses Stan and Ollie's boat... which gets cut loose from the dock thanks to a hungry goat and heads out to sea. Faced with the menacing Nick, Stan and Ollie concoct a plan to knock him out by making him eat a meal of string, fly paper and sponge...

Although not the best Laurel and Hardy film it is still very good, with the usual facial expressions and slapstick destructions. There isn't quite the energy and freshness of their earlier work due to age and worsening health and some of the comedy situations are stretched a little too far. Enough of the magic remains to make this very worthwhile though. This was also the last film by well-known silent movie star Ben Turpin.

Vital Signs (1986)

A TV movie dealing with addition. Top surgeon Matthew Hayward (Edward Asner) has two problems, he is an alcoholic and what makes it even worse is that he will not admit it. His son (Gary Cole) arrives to work in his father's hospital, he tries to get his father to address his problems but the son has an addiction problem of his own, he steals morphine and other drugs for his own needs. This affects his mood and his relationship with his wife Kristi (Kate McNeil).

Kristi's relationship with her in-laws is also strained, as she also wants the alcoholism addressed. When she witnesses her father-in-law drunk driving and nearly kill a kid she demands some action and the son confronts his father in a fishing boat to no avail. But the family slowly falls apart...

A fair melodrama and has a powerful message, which is laid on thick. Well structured and perfectly watchable.

Charlie Chan at Monte Carlo (1937)

Warner Oland's last outing as Charlie Chan (and indeed his last film). Charlie Chan and Lee (Keye Luke) - the Number One Son - are in Monaco. They get involved in a murder investigation and a complicated plot involving rival financiers, bonds, blackmail and expensive women. 

The local police chief Joubert (Harold Huber) enlists Chan's help after the murder of a courier carrying bonds, which is just as well as he is pretty hapless otherwise. The bonds are owned by Karnoff (Sidney Blackmer), who has a bitter rival in Savarin (Edward Raquello). 

Karnoff's wife (Kay Linaker) meanwhile, is being blackmailed by the bartender Rogers (George Lynn) who indeed has had some of Karnoff's bonds. When Rogers winds up dead too, could Karnoff be the culprit or is it Karnoff's assistant Gordon (Robert Kent), who is mixed up with Savarin's female acquaintance Evelyn (Virginia Field)...

This is classic Charlie Chan fare. A complicated crime, the usual semi-comedic antics from the son, and cod-Chinese philosophy. Charlie Chan discovers the only clue that can uncover the true culprit. The Monte Carlo setting adds a bit of extra glamour to a wonderful little film.

Vampire Circus (1972)

One of the best vampire films. In a small Serbian village the Count (Robert Tayman) is killing young girls and drinking their blood. The Count is killed by the villagers but he puts a vampire's curse on them. A number of years later the curse appears to have come true as plague strikes the village. Then a circus arrives led by Adrienne Corri, this lightens the village mood even though the panther seems to be able to turn into a man, and twin acrobats into birds!

Then the children of the village start to die, killed by vampires. The blood of the slain used to bring the Count back to life. Can the villagers led by the Mayor (Thorley Walters) and including the heroic young Anton (John Moulder-Brown) stop him once and for all?

A truly excellent horror, packed full of the macabre and erotic vampiric savagery. Somehow a traditional circus and vampires really go together. Sci-fi icons David Prowse and Lalla Ward also star.

Are Crooks Dishonest? (1918)

Harold Lloyd and Snub Pollard play a couple of small time con artists who have the fruitful scheme of pretending to lose a valuable ring and then tricking people to hand over cash for rubbish. One of their unsuspecting mugs is the phoney mystic Professor Goulash (William Blaisdell). However, his daughter Miss Goulash (Bebe Daniels) sees through Harold and Snub's scheme and tricks them out of their money!

A charming comedy short. Harold Lloyd plays a bad guy (of sorts) for a change, the film is notable more for it's visual humour than all-out slapstick.

Frankenstein Island (1981)

A complete and utter mess of a film, that will test your stamina even if you like trash films. Four balloonists crash in the sea and end up on a remote island. But they discover the island is inhabited by young women in leopard skin bikinis. These girls like to dance and gyrate and play around with snakes. So life doesn't seem to bad for our four balloonists. 

But then they discover the island is also inhabited by drunk rough men and strange emotionless guys in black jumpers. An ancestor of Dr Frankenstein (John Carradine) - who randomly appears in visions ranting about golden threads - lives on the island too (Katharine Victor as Sheila Frankenstein - yes really) and is conducting various demented experiments to create an army of mutants. The scientists require the blood and flesh of our visitors and the young girls (of course). This sets the scene for one of the worse showdowns and final battles ever...

Oh the young girls are apparently aliens (of course). Nothing really makes sense with this film, especially as more and more randomness is thrown in as it progresses, you get the impression the script was about half a side of A4 and the rest was made up as they went along. 

Low budget (maybe should say zero budget) drivel that, despite the weirdness, is rather boring much of the time with little going on though the final battle is worth a watch due to it's sheer inanity. The four balloonists are so bland as characters its hard to remember much about them, you will remember the Frankenstein Monster when he finally appears however. You'll see better efforts at the average fancy dress party!