Muppet Treasure Island (1996)

A wonderfully warm and enjoyable pirate and treasure tale by the Muppets.

Jim (Kevin Bishop) has a map revealing where a great treasure is, but he has no means to get there. Or does he? Luckily Fozzy Bear is the rather eccentric son of a ship owner and gives Jim a ship and a crew. 

The ship is captained by Kermit and is a fine ship but unfortunately the ship's cook is Long John Silver (Tim Curry) and he has plans of his own for the treasure...

A great fun film that is based on the classic Robert Louis Stevenson tale though the Muppets take a few liberties! The film is packed full of typical Muppet humour, physical as well as smart wordplay and puns. A brilliant film that will appeal to all ages.

King Solomon's Mines (1985)

With a great cast, this film ruthlessly and hilariously sends up Indiana Jones.

Jesse's (Sharon Stone) father has gone missing in Africa, and she has hired Quatermain (Richard Chamberlain) to help her find him. In fact her father has discovered the location of King Solomon's fabled mine and massive diamond wealth. Unfortunately the unscrupulous Colonel Bockner (Herbert Lom) and Dogati (John Rhys-Davies) have captured him and are trying to get the information out of him by fair means or foul (actually no just foul)...

Their adventure becomes a series of exciting though somewhat improbable action set pieces across Africa including on a train and in the air. All the time our heroes are trying to avoid getting eaten by wildlife and the natives...

A very silly film, a well done parody of Indiana Jones and the like. The jokes are corny and the action frequently improbable but that is the point. Very entertaining.

Prophet (1999)

High octane action nonsense though most people are really terrible shots!

Maddox (Don Wilson) is a CIA operative who has a mysterious ability to see the near future in flash forwards. He is tasked to arrest some members of a terrorist organisation, however they keep getting killed before he has the chance to make the arrests! Some of the people also do not seem like terrorists, they also seem to have mysterious abilities...

Maddox discovers that he and the others were used as children by the CIA for their psychic powers during the Vietnam War. He also soon realises he can't trust anyone, especially when the CIA led by Barbara Steele are turned on him...

The story is quite basic and doesn't make a lot of sense but that probably doesn't matter too much. The action is what the film is all about, and there is a lot of that. Much of that doesn't make sense either, supposedly highly trained CIA operatives aim as badly as Imperial stormtroopers, spraying fire with assault rifles but never hitting our hero! A fun film as long as you don't take it very seriously.

Spy Smasher (Serial) (1942)

Spy Smasher battles a Nazi spy in this wartime action serial adaptation of a comic book character.

Alan Armstrong (Kane Richmond) has a costumed alter-ego known as Spy Smasher, he is well named indeed as his job is to battle Nazi spies who have come across to America to cause mayhem. 

The spies are led by The Mask (Hans Schumm) who uses a U-boat as his secret base and puts Spy Smasher in peril by the end of every episode, check out next week to see how he escapes!

This is one of the better action serials with some good perils and good use of stock footage.

Beyond Justice (1991)

A desert romp and also utterly terrible.

A spoilt rich kid (David Flosi) is kidnapped by his father (Kabir Bedi) and taken to the desert to become the next Emir of a violent clan in Morocco. His spoilt rich mother Christine (Carol Alt) hires ex-CIA agent Burton (Rutger Hauer) to rescue him. Christine insists on tagging along though as Burton takes on the Emir's (Omar Sharif) goons...

This is pretty poor stuff, so disjointed and confusing. The reason for this is that this is a film length version of a five hour TV mini series! Maybe the original series makes sense but this film edit so often doesn't. Hauer does his usual action hero stuff and that can be good at times, but the problem is the rest of this mess. 

You really do get the feeling Hauer, Sharif and Elliot Gould, who plays Christine's lawyer, are pretty wasted here. Fast forward between the action scenes and it is entertaining enough.

Eye of the Tiger (1986)

The streets of a small town have been taken over by drug crazed bikers, only one man can stop them (natch).

Buck (Gary Busey) returns to his small hometown for a spell in gaol to find things have changed for the worst, a biker gang led by a cardboard cut-out (William Smith) are running rampant, killing and beating and raping people in the streets in between selling crack cocaine. The sheriff (Seymour Cassel) has been paid off.

After Buck stops the gang raping a nurse, they turn on him and kill his wife (Denise Galik) and wreck his house. They also kidnap his young daughter (Judith Barsi). With the help of his old army buddy JB (Yaphet Kotto) faces down the gang with the help of a lot of hi-tech weaponry...

So, a silly and unoriginal premise but an entertaining violent romp. The action scenes are well done and spaced out by a reasonable amount of story. Blade the main baddie could have been better though, he looks pretty cool but we don't really see much from him until the very end of the film.

Wanted: Dead or Alive (1986)

You can't beat a bit of violent 1980s cheese.

Nick (Rutger Hauer) is ex-CIA and now a bounty hunter plying his trade in the inner city war zone that is 1980s Los Angeles. He lives in an industrial unit full of guns and various junk. 

He is employed to track down a terrorist called Malak (Gene Simmons) who has arrived in town and started to blow things up. Malak plans to cause a major disaster by blowing up a chemical plant in LA. The hunt for Malak is complicated by the meddling of the CIA, soon Nick's nearest and dearest are in the firing line...

An enjoyable film though fairly generic in many ways. The violence is fairly low budget but decently done and there is quite a lot of it. 

Captain Scarface (1953)

An interesting plot though the execution is not without it's flaws.

Sam (Leif Erickson) is desperate to escape South America for reasons. At a hotel he finds a group of people waiting to head to the US on a freighter. Clegg (Paul Brinegar), the radio operator from the ship, turns up wanting money from a man named Kroll (John Mylong), who has turned up at the hotel with Dr Yeager (Rudolph Anders). Clegg shoots Kroll but gets shot himself, Sam takes the opportunity to take Kroll's identity and get aboard the board.

However, there he discovers the boat has a false registration and the Captain (Barton MacLane) plans to detonate an atomic bomb with the help the reluctant Dr Yeager - his daughter Elsa (Virginia Gray) held hostage to force him to comply - and destroy the Panama Canal...

Not a bad budget B-movie though limited when it comes to action, the film also ends rather abruptly. However, the story is solid and is pretty well told.

Breakout (1975)

A solid if not spectacular mid-1970s action romp.

Wagner (Robert Duvall) has been framed for a crime he didn't commit by a shadowy organised crime  cabal including his greedy grandfather (John Huston), who - due to family ties - insists his grandson isn't killed but is sent to spend thirty years in a Mexican prison! Wagner's wife Ann (Jill Ireland) enlists Nick (Charles Bronson) to get her man out. Nick is a hot shot pilot but he soon requires other skills when the cabal work to foil his plans time after time...

A typical 1970s film with a slightly laid-back feeling of irrelevance. It goes on a few tangents which don't go anywhere but the story is overall well structured and is just enough to keep you interested. Bronson plays his role a bit lighter than usual.

Interestingly the story is based on the real story of Joel David Kaplan who was broken out of a Mexican prison with a helicopter rescue.

Firepower (1993)

Its the near future, street gangs have taken over parts of the city where the police are afraid to go.

However, police detectives Darren (Chad McQueen) and Nick (Gary Daniels) are operating undercover to investigate Drexal (Joseph Ruskin) who runs illegal drugs including counterfeit AIDS vaccines in the no-go zones and also runs death matches, his champion The Swordsman always wins. The Swordsman is Jim Hellwig aka The Ultimate Warrior in what is probably his only movie role!

So, this is pretty basic stuff. Violent and cheap, everything is rather dark despite all of the open fires. Nothing really makes a lot of sense but it doesn't really matter as there will probably be another killing in ten seconds. The Ultimate Warrior is probably the best part of the film even though he doesn't really say much. 

The Mystery Airman (Serial) (1928)

A classic serial set in the air, with ten episodes and nine death defying cliffhangers.

The Baker Airplane Company led by Jack Baker (Walter Miller) has developed some new world beating technology for it's aeroplanes. However, a rival company want this technology and are prepared to use nefarious means to get it (of course!) Baker and his aircraft are continually attacked by a fleet of mysterious raider aircraft led by Pilot X...

So, this is familiar serial fare. The aerial scenes are a bit hit and miss and can be a bit difficult to work out what is actually happening but the episodes have sufficient fast moving action and plot twists and turns toi keep you entertained. The identity of Pilot X is of course unknown though is one of the other characters with a mask, so you can try and work it out before the big reveal! Also stars Eugenia Gilbert, Robert Walker, Eugene Burr and Dorothy Tallcot... is one of those Pilot X? Find out next week (maybe).

Bounty Tracker (1993)

A film about a bounty tracker, which is basically a bounty hunter but with a different title.

Jonathan (Lorenzo Lamas) is a bounty hunter tracker heads out west to visit his brother in LA. Unfortunately brother Paul (Paul Regina) and his firm of lawyers is mixed up in a murky crime boss trial. When Paul's law firm is literally wiped out by a gang led by Gauss (Matthias Hues), Paul gets police protection. However, that doesn't save him from Gauss and his top hit woman Jewels (Cyndi Pass)...

Jonathan wants revenge against Gauss and enters the LA underworld to try and track him down, including a rather strange fight scene at an Indonesian martial arts dojo. Jonathan ends up getting some help from a bunch of kids.

An ultra violent film with a basic script which simply provides a skeleton for the violent set pieces to be hung off. Not very original or high art but entertaining if you like a high body count. The sort of film you would get from the video store as a teenager and loved all to death but nowadays cringe throughout if you watched it, well not me as i am still the teenager inside and loved it. There is plenty of early 1990s cheese on show as well. Great stuff!

Mission of Justice (1992)

This film is basically one long martial arts fight punctuated by little bits of plot. As the fighting is of pretty decent quality (and very violent) then this isn't that bad a thing.

Kurt (Jeff Wincott) is a disillusioned police officer who quits due to the odds stacked against the force. Mayoral candidate Dr Larkin (Brigitte Nielsen) also seems to agree with him, as she has recruited her own vigilante force to help the police. Kurt joins this force though because he is suspicious of Larkin and her actions and thinks she is behind the death of his friend and mentor Williams (Tony Burton).

Kurt discovers that behind Dr Larkin's public image is a dark world of ultra violence, torture and corruption. Dr Larkin will stop at nothing to achieve her aims, especially murder.

This is a great fun film with some amazing action set pieces. The plot is so-so but good enough to serve a film of this type. 

Sunset Strip (1985)

A rather generic 1980s action film, for 80s nostalgia though this can't be beat.

Mark (Tom Eplin) is a photographer (taking photos of breakdancers) and who pays his land lady with sex. He helps his friend Roger (John Mayall) against the mob led by Moran (Danny Williams) who are targeting his LA rock club where Mark's ex Carol (Cheri Cameron Newell) sings. Moran wants to use it as a front for his prostitution racket. When the mob kill Roger, Mark is framed for the murder and the police are after him as well. Mark discovers that the mob has a link in the police too...

There isn't much to recommend on this film as a piece of work. It is rather poorly made and acted, the story is basic and padded out with filler including Mark riding his motorbike a lot. As with most bad movies though Sunset Strip is hugely enjoyable for the wrong reasons. The film also has lots of gratuitous female nudity (of course).

The film is incredibly 80s. If you grew up in those times you will certainly feel nostalgic.

The Mole People (1956)

Although not executed that well this film has a brilliant premise. 

A team of archaeologists in Mesopotamia (we can guess, the film just describes it as "Asia" which doesn't really narrow things down much) discover some ancient writings near the top of a mountain. Dr Bentley (John Agar) and his buddies are trapped under a glacier after an earthquake and discover a lost Sumerian civilisation which has existed underground for the last five thousand years!

The Sumerians exist on mushrooms and enslave savage reptilian like creatures. They also have a harsh and deadly regime where surplus population are sacrificed to Ishtar. Bentley poses as a herald of Ishtar and has a crush on slave girl Adad (Cynthia Patrick). Meanwhile, the high priest (Alan Napier) is suspicious of Bentley and plans to get rid of him...

Although a fairly basic film in many ways i loved the idea of this film, being a historian myself (even if their "Sumerian" script is actually Egyptian hieroglyphs at times not cuneiform!) Lost worlds are always fun, more than the real world indeed.

Robo Vampire (1988)

What on Earth is going on here, it seems like at least three films all spliced together. Well it is by Godfrey Ho...

Thai drug lords have a highly effective though also unusual weapon in their armoury: Chinese hopping vampires! Meanwhile, anti-drug agent Tom is killed in action, but then bought back to life in a knock-off RoboCop-like manner in a highly scientific operation carried out in a battered looking spare room at the police station. This version of the robot policeman however, looks rather laughable with his silver padded jacket and helmet. He battles the vampires, and the drug barons' hoods. Meanwhile, a female agent is captured by the drug lords...

This film makes no sense whatsoever! Godfrey Ho spliced together a Thai action movie with new footage (1984's Paa Lohgan to be precise) with some new footage of the Not-Robocop fighting hopping vampires. The result is incredibly incoherent but the film is undoubtably entertaining and frequently unintentionally hilarious with it's endless but also senseless action scenes. 

This film is pretty amazing, for most of it you won't really believe your eyes and maybe you will wonder if someone spiked your drink. Just be glad a film like this exists.

Cyber Tracker (1994)

We are in the future (2024 or thereabouts) and justice is dispensed by a cold heartless android killing machine. This is Terminator meets Robocop meets Judge Dread with about one hundredth of the budget.

Don (Don "The Dragon" Wilson) is a secret service agent tasked with protecting a senator (John Aprea) in a future America where the state has merged with a giant corporation. By now policing is done by near invincible androids who also act as judge, jury and executioner (one assumes they are not used to police jaywalking or parking offences). Don protects the senator from a terrorist group who want to stop the cyber police. 

The senator tries to bring Don into their dark secret though he wants to remain a good guy (of course). He is framed for murder and now the cyber cops and the human enforcer in the form of Ross (Richard Norton) are sent after him...

The story isn't up to much and doesn't have much originality. The film does have a lot of action and a lot of violence. Cars don't just crash, they explode. Most characters end up butchered by heavy calibre rounds. The violence does help to make the film watchable though overall the film isn't that great. The hi-tech "future" graphics and computers which look dated even by 1994's standards are funny though.

The Incredible Petrified World (1959)

A rather deep and dull adventure a long way underwater, one could say its a bit of a damp squid.

Four adventurers head deep underwater to explore a mysterious new layer on the sea bed. Something goes wrong of course and the adventurers end up trapped in a subterranean cave. The two males, Randall (Robert Clarke) and Paul (Allen Windsor) do their best to be butch and try and find their way out, the two females Dale (Phyllis Coates) and Lauri (Sheila Noonan) do their best to do the domestic chores and begin a long drawn out bitchfest. 

Things are complicated by another trapped man (Maurice Bernard) who has been down there for years and is a bit crazy, and tells them there is no way out. However, on the surface Professor Wyman (John Carradine) is preparing for a rescue attempt...

In theory this could have been a decent film but unfortunately it is rather dull with not a great deal happens. It's a short film padded out with stock footage and aimlessly wandering about a cave. Maybe if it's budget had been increased to say $20 it would have been more worthwhile, as it is the film is easily missable.

Karate Cop (1991)

In the post-apocalpyse future there is one remaining cop roaming the wastelands, just don't call him Max...

It is the future, gangs of men in tatty clothes fight in the streets and generally get up to mischief, including chasing Rachel (Carrie Chambers). She is saved by John Travis (Ronald Marchini), the last policeman left it seems. He lives with his dog and drives his old police car still. This is basically Mad Max 2 but in the USA.

Rachel enlights John's help to retrieve a crystal from a teleport device so she can send a group of children to safety. After battling through gang ambushes led by the hilariously inept Snaker (Michael E Bristow), John finds the crystal which is the object of worship by a weird cult. John gets the crystal and unfortunately the cult is forgotten about, which is a shame because it was one of the most interesting parts of the movie...

The gang lord Lincoln (DW Landingham) has kidnapped Rachel however, men will fight over her in a kind of Battledome though the giant champion (Michael Foley) always wins. So now we are on to ripping off Mad Max 3...

A hilariously bad film though undeniably entertaining. The action (not that much of it is "karate") isn't that bad at all. The story though is utter nonsense, it all makes little sense of course. This is a loose sequel to Omega Cop.

Blue Thunder (1983)

One of many films in the 1980s about advanced technology (gone wrong), and one of the best.

Murphy (Roy Schneider) is a grizzled helicopter pilot working for the LAPD, haunted by his past in Vietnam. He is invited to take part in a secret new programme with an advanced helicopter called Blue Thunder which can listen in on conversations, travel silently when needed and has a Gatling gun!

The helicopter has been developed by a team involving Murphy's old comrade Cochrane (Malcolm McDowell) whom Murphy loathes. Murphy and his assistant Lymangood (Daniel Stern) discover (using Blue Thunder's capabilities of course) that a secret government group including Cochrane is planning to use the helicopter for nefarious purposes...

So, this is a very good technology action film with a good helping of conspiracy and corruption as well. To be honest if you are an aviation fan Blue Thunder looks a bit suspect (a light Gazelle with extra plates bolted on basically) but the action scenes are solid and very tense.