Hijacked: Flight 285 (1996)

Fairly unoriginal aeroplan hijacking movie with a cast of stereotypes in the Airport movie tradition. It isn't that bad though.

Convicted murder Peter (Anthony Michael Hall) is being transported on a commercial flight, however he has two friends aboard the flight who release him from the Marshals and he takes over the flight. He demands a flight to freedom and twenty million dollars. FBI investigator Deni (Ally Sheedy) is rushed from her gymnastics coaching (really) to handle the situation...

As usual with these films we follow the story with a number of the fellow passengers. So, we have the rude drunk businessman (David Graf), the retired couple, the troubled family who come good as the varied passenger stereotypes (no alcoholic middle aged woman though which is disappointing, so we can't complete the bingo card). All are vital to the plot to some degree though so that is good.

The film is quite generic we are to be honest with few surprises but it is competently done. If a bit ridiculous.

The Jesse Ventura Story (1999)

Jesse "The Body" Ventura (wrestler, actor, politician) has a life story almost tailor made for a biopic, unfortunately this isn't it.

We see Jesse from his early years as a US Navy Seal, then breaking into pro-wrestling before injuries forced him to take on a broadcasting role. This led to him beginning a film and TV career before finally entering politics and becoming governor of Minnesota. 

A great story but unfortunately so much of the story portrayed on screen is completely wrong, especially the wrestling segments which seem to exist in some parallel universe utterly against actual wrestling history (Raven, Goldberg in wrestling supposedly set in the 1970s and 80s? Really?)

To make matters worse, the guy who plays Ventura (Nils Allen Stewart) doesn't really look or sound like him, which is always a drawback when the original is one of the most recognisable people on Earth! Quite why the makers took so many liberties is unknown, but this is really terrible. Watch the real Jesse Ventura in Predator or Abraxus instead!

Master Ninja II (1984)

The Master was an American TV show about an old ninja, it didn't run for very long but some of the episodes were put together to create TV movies.

So, this is basically episode 3 and 4 of the TV series. No attempt is made to make the join between the two episodes seamless by the way, which is quite funny. Lee Van Cleef plays McAllister, an Army veteran who became the only gaijin ninja master in Japan. However, he is now in the US with his young apprentice Max (Timothy Van Patten) looking for McAllister's daughter, trying to avoid being killed by other ninjas, and fighting injustice (of course!)

In the first story, McAllister and Max help Carrie (Crystal Bernard) with her fight against a corrupt company boss, who was involved in her brother's death. The second story involves terrorists and secret agents and includes guest appearances from George Lazenby (who wears a tuxedo throughout of course) and David McCallum.

Watching this you can see why this only lasted for thirteen episodes on TV. Van Cleef isn't a very convincing ninja master if we are going to be honest. The story is often quite generic 1980s US TV action show but is fun enough if not taken very seriously.

Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders (1996)

A dubious Merlin unleashes horrors on a grandchild's mind.

When a power cut stops his grandson (Mark Hurtado) watching TV, granddad (Ernest Borgnine) tells him a couple of horror stories involving Merlin (George Milan) and his shop of horrors... i mean mystical wonders. In the first story a sneering newspaper critic (John Terrence) visits Merlin's shop to have a sneer. He is given a book of spells by Merlin to help him believe in him. The critic tries out the magic and unleashes all sorts of demonic and hellish magic on the world and himself.

In the second story a little monkey toy is bought by David (Bob Mendelsohn), unfortunately this toy is possessed by dark magic and when it plays the drums deaths occur. Starting with a goldfish and soon progressing to humans too...

Although the stories are not too original they are well done though they seem rather dark for a grandfather to tell a young boy! The moral from the story seems to be Merlin should be locked up! Although quite cheesy at times this is a perfectly enjoyable B-movie horror. You do wonder though if this film is indeed aimed at children or aimed at mentally scarring them?

Carry on Christmas (1969)

The Carry On team do a Christmas Carol... and er... Frankenstein and Dracula for some reason.

Scrooge (Sid James) makes the life of Cratchit (Bernard Bresslaw) a misery. Scrooge is visited by the ghost of Christmas past (Charles Hawtrey) and present (Barbara Windsor). We then get a rather odd horror film pastiche involving Dr Frank N Stein (Terry Scott) and then a pantomime. It is all rather strange and all rather awful...

The script was rather uninspired and it seems thrown together very poorly. The only real humour is from the classic catchphrases from the likes of Sid James and Charles Hawtrey. 

Its a real shame as this could have been something special with most of the classic cast being present. Best enjoyed on Christmas night after half a bottle of brandy.

The Fairy King of Ar (1998)

A whimsical tale of fairies and elves. 

Kyle (Jameson Baltes) and Evie (Brittney Bomann) are told tales of elves by their grandmother. A short while later, after their grandmother has passed, the family have come to live in her house. 

However, the family encounter strange reactions from, and are made unwelcome by, the villagers and the house's gardener (Malcolm McDowell). There is some sort of local secret the villagers do not want the family messing with. The children also begin to encounter little flying creatures in the woods. It all leads to an old gold mine where the fairies are trapped...

Its a nice little film but nothing much more than that. The children actors do a good job and the fairy special effects are quite enchanting. The plot though is as ethereal as any of the woodland folk and the whole film meanders at times.

Mars Needs Women (1968)

A rather bizarre science-fiction film, about the Martian need for Earth women...

Mars is dying due to reasons, the Martian Dop (Tommy Kirk) leads a team to Earth to find some suitable fertile females for breeding purposes. Dop announces this plan to the US military beforehand for some reason. Dop and his team begin selecting suitable females. Pole dancers and flight attendants seem to be the preferred choice (natch). 

However, Dop selects the female scientist Dr Bolen (Yvonne Craig) for his target and falls in love with her. The authorities are meanwhile searching high and low for the Martians...

This is a pretty awful film to be honest. The overall premise is sound perhaps though crudely implemented and overall the film is pretty sleazy and cheap. The story makes little sense of course and often is (unintentionally) hilarious.

Beyond the Moon (1954)

Rather patchy science-fiction hi-jinks that easily betrays it's origins as a TV show.

Rocky Jones (Richard Crane) is a butch space adventurer, all rippling muscles and tight t-shirt. He is sent off on a mission with his sidekick Winky (Scotty Beckett). To Rocky's dismay he is also lumbered with a woman in the form Vena Ray (Sally Mansfield). Rocky doesn't think this is the place for Vena but considering how she is the only one to know the language of the people they are visiting she does seem quite important. The mission soon runs into trouble though when their rocket ship (which is launched from an electricity sub-station for some reason) comes under attack and Vena is locked in an airless chamber...

This does seem like it was originally separate episodes which have been bought together into a single film... thats because it was! The first three episodes of the Rocky Jones TV show in fact, so there are regular cliffhangers are regular internals. Its not a bad film, just rather half-baked and rather overtly misogynist space opera nonsense. 

Bruce Lee : Martial Arts Master (1994)

An interesting if limited biopic of Bruce Lee, this one concentrating more on his movie career.

The film tells the story of Bruce, moving to the US after a troublesome upbringing in HK. Soon he was making waves with his brand of kung fu and coming to the attention of Hollywood. Bruce's first forays on screen were in TV series like the Green Hornet but when he returned to HK his film career took up in a short but incredibly bright career...

Talking heads such as James Coburn, Jackie Chan and Bolo Yeung share anecdotes and memories of working with Bruce. Plenty of classic clips from his films (though not his TV shows) are fitted in throughout. This is a decent documentary however, if you are a fan of Bruce it really won't tell you anything new.

Yesterday's Target (1996)

Incoherent, cheap and shabby. Perfect trash movie then.

It is the dark far future (well 2025 anyway) and three people are sent into the past to perform a secret mission. Unfortunately when they arrive back in the mid-1990s they have no memory of who they are or what they are supposed to be up to. Thus Paul (Daniel Baldwin) only has a vague idea of who he is, and doesn't know he has special powers. Holden (Malcolm McDowell) does have some idea about it, thanks to Winstrom (LeVar Burton) and his powers of clairvoyance. 

Paul finds his two comrades, Jessica (Stacy Haiduk) - who can see into the near future and thus uses her skills to rip off casinos, and Carter (TK Carter) who can set fire to things and works as a cook (handy). Holden and Winstrom's goons are out to capture them, or kill them. Paul discovers that they were sent back into the past to change the future and facilitate the next development in humanity. Or something.

What does this film mean? Who really knows? There probably was a reasonable science fiction story somewhere but it seemed to get discarded fairly early. LeVar Burton tries his best to be a bad guy, but some people are just too nice for it to be convincing!

Bullet to Beijing (1995)

It is the end of the Cold War, and Harry Palmer is out of a job!

Retired by MI5, Palmer (Michael Caine) is recruited by a Russian called Alexei (Michael Gambon) to stop the North Koreans getting ahold of a biological weapon that could kill millions. Palmer is helped by Nikolai (Jason Connery) in a rather confusing mix involving former operatives (from both sides) and the Russian mafia.

Much of the film takes place on a Russian train to Beijing, though Palmer and Nikolai end up marooned in Siberia and have to get back to their train by various forms of transport in some kind of bizarre Top Gear-like sequence. There are various double crosses made, the trip to Beijing seems rather pointless in the end as they head straight back to Moscow by plane. By now, though, Palmer knows there is more to this than a weapon, and Alexei can't be trusted...

It doesn't make a huge amount of sense (and can't really be compared to real Harry Palmer films based on actual Len Deighton books) but makes the most of post-Soviet Russia for all sorts of crumbling Soviet nonsense including rusty old Aeroflot airliners and a car chase with Ladas! All highly enjoyable if you like that sort of thing!

The Halloween That Almost Wasn't (1979)

Rather surreal and rather weird, there isn't much to this TV movie but at least it's short enough to not outstay it's welcome... just.

Dracula (Judd Hirsch) has heard a terrible rumour that Halloween is to be canceled (maybe it's not woke enough?) He summons his fellow monsters including the Mummy, a Zombie, Frankenstein's Monster (John Schuck) and the Witch (Mariette Hartley) to find out how these rumours started. He discovers that it is the Witch who is responsible, she doesn't want to be a witch anymore and won't fly over the moon. Can Dracula force her to change her mind and save Halloween?

It is all rather silly, and pretty absurd. What the Witch really wants is to disco dance with the Count, which of course dates this film somewhat. A light hearted romp, the humour is pretty corny but (sometimes) hits the mark.

Vital Signs (1986)

A TV movie dealing with addition. Top surgeon Matthew Hayward (Edward Asner) has two problems, he is an alcoholic and what makes it even worse is that he will not admit it. His son (Gary Cole) arrives to work in his father's hospital, he tries to get his father to address his problems but the son has an addiction problem of his own, he steals morphine and other drugs for his own needs. This affects his mood and his relationship with his wife Kristi (Kate McNeil).

Kristi's relationship with her in-laws is also strained, as she also wants the alcoholism addressed. When she witnesses her father-in-law drunk driving and nearly kill a kid she demands some action and the son confronts his father in a fishing boat to no avail. But the family slowly falls apart...

A fair melodrama and has a powerful message, which is laid on thick. Well structured and perfectly watchable.

Marabunta (1998)

Jim (Eric Lutes) arrives in Alaska for a spot of fishing, but his holiday gets off to a bad start when he finds a dead moose which has been eaten down to the bone in hours. Not long afterwards a human similarly consumed. And whats more... no fish!

Luckily Jim is an entomologist and soon discovers that meat eating ants from South America are to blame (obviously). With the help of the Sheriff (Mitch Pileggi) and teacher/future love interest Laura (Julia Campbell), the town is evacuated but no plan goes that smoothly...

Trapped in the town, our heroes are surrounded by ants as the town is overrun by the little things. As flamethrowers, guns and chemicals are not enough to stop the ants wiping out Alaska, Jim has a plan to blow up a dam to drown the ants. Only problem is to get the explosives required means going back into the midst of the ants...

Insect based monster films generally are cheesy and terrible, but Marabunta must rank as one of the worst. Low budget, ropey special effects, average acting and (as this was a TV movie) the action is nicely packaged for the regular advert breaks. It is terrible and somehow brilliant at the same time.

Duel (1971)

A simple and highly compelling film, one of Steven Spielberg's earliest full features. David (Dennis Weaver) is travelling across California when he overtakes an oil tanker, something snaps in the tanker driver's mind and he becomes obsessed with getting revenge on David and killing him in the ultimate road rage.

Nothing deters the tanker driver, he will even destroy a gas station in order to kill David. David knows that no one is going to help him in the isolated desert. He has to kill or be killed...

This is a simple film, built around the duel between David and the unseen (apart from his arm) tanker driver. Quite why the tanker driver loses it is never explored and the story is both simple and ridiculous but the film really works. 

One main reason is the abstract, and indeed pointless, nature of the menace makes it all the more sinister and dangerous.

Dangerous Davies: The Last Detective (1981)

Detective Constable "Dangerous" Davies (Bernard Cribbins) is always given the worst jobs, which often end up with him getting beaten up. Chief Inspector Yardbird (Joss Ackland) selects him to look for a dangerous hardened criminal for Special Branch, Yardbird suspecting Davies' usual clumsy manner will flush the criminal out. During his investigation, Davies discovers a fifteen year old cold-case involving a missing girl.

With the help of his friend Mod (Bill Maynard) he begins to investigate the disappearance and this takes him down a dark and murky path. 

A highly enjoyable film with a feast of great characters and performances including from Maureen Lipman, Frank Windsor and Patsy Rowlands. Davies as a detective is very believable, no flash or super human skill just good old fashioned determination and grit. There is also some good humour, which adds to the realism.

Mooch (1974)

The sort of weird inconsequential little film that could only be made in the 1970s. Mooch is yet another young female hopeful eager to get to Hollywood and become a star. However, there are many pitfalls, dangers and obstacles a starlet needs to overcome to make it. Oh we should have mentioned, Mooch is a dog...

Mooch is guided by the helpful voice of Zsa Zsa Gabor and encounters a number of stars including Vincent Price and Jill St John. Will Mooch make it as a star? 

This is really quite odd and formless. Despite the animal actor it's not really a children's movie, the jokes are often quite adult (including Mooch's dream of being an exotic dancer!) The plot is rather thin and pedestrian but the film is enjoyable enough if just for the nostalgia and the star spotting. Mooch the dog is a very good animal actor. 

Go Ask Alice (1973)

A powerful anti-drug film, based on a supposedly real (though probably fictional) diary. Alice (Jamie Smith-Jackson) is a teenage girl who is having a difficult time at school being in the uncool crowd. But then the cool kids take her under their wing and she starts loading up on various drugs. She even starts dealing to kids. Things come to a head when she runs off with a friend and ends up whoring her way across America looking for her next score. She finally confides in a priest (Andy Griffith) and tries to turn clean.

However, now she is regarded as an enemy by the in-crowd who try to get her back on the drugs. She has a psychotic session where she self-harms. Can she come back from the brink and back to her parents (William Shatner and Julie Adams)?

A film of it's time, and that time does include a very good soundtrack. The acting is often a bit hesitant and awkward but it does give everything an authentic feel. 

Rumpole's Return (1980)

Horace Rumpole (Leo McKern) indeed returned from attempted retirement in this TV movie. Having finally left the Old Bailey he tried to enjoy the delights of Miami with She Who Must Be Obeyed (Peggy Thorpe-Bates) but was soon back in London attracted by the case of a stabbing at Kentish Town tube station.

However Rumpole has difficulty getting back in chambers as the likes of Erskine-Brown (Julian Curry) and Featherstone (Peter Bowles) were rather hoping he would have stayed retired. He manages to get a pornography case though loses it, he is finally given the tube stabbing case in the hope one more failure could finish his career off once and for all...

Luckily for Rumpole a vital link to the crime is a religious cult based back in Miami so Rumpole gets his son Nick (Ian Gelder) to investigate...

Rumpole is on good form though the TV episode-nature of the usual Rumpole story is stretched to it's limit. There is a bit of padding but not enough to ruin matters. The on-location scenes in Miami add a bit of variety also seem to ultimately go nowhere.