Tarzan of the Apes (1918)

The very first Tarzan film made only six years after the original novel was published, Edgar Rice Burroughs being an adviser on set. The story is of course very familiar and this version is very close to the novel. After Lord & Lady Greystoke's are marooned off their ship by mutineers and later perish their young son is bought up by Kala the ape as her own. Tarzan (Gordon Griffith) grows to a young man (Elmo Lincoln) and becomes the king of the apes.

Meanwhile reports of this strange white man who rules the apes has reached England and an expedition sets out to find him. Tarzan avenges the death of Kala and later romances Jane (Enid Markey)...

Elmo Lincoln was pretty imposing physically though didn't look much like he'd spent his life swinging between trees and fighting wild animals. This is an impressive film and a good version of Tarzan though especially considering how early it was made.

Adventures of a Taxi Driver (1976)

Crafty chappy cockney sexcapades with taxi driver Joe (Barry Evans) who's life revolves around birds, bonking and avoiding his fiance Carol (Adrienne Posta). He leaves home, his battleaxe mum (Diana Dors) and annoying half-siblings, and moves in with a stripper called Nikki (Judy Gleason) and her pet python (of course)...

That is it really, the film is more of less just a sequence of quite amusing and often fairly erotic adventures for Joe. Some of the adventures are ridiculous but genuinely funny, such as when Joe has to take a nun on a fare but he hasn't got any clothes on... after his previous adventure with a married woman (of course).

It is all a load of low-rent and predictable nonsense, with 70s stereotypes and misogyny galore. The nostalgia of 1970s London and all it's associated grime and sleaze makes the film highly enjoyable and very watchable, as does appearances from the likes of Robert Lindsay, Ian Lavender and Stephen Lewis. It is crap but a particular kind of British crap, so I loved it.

A Star Is Born (1937)

A story told many times, a young hopeful from humble beginnings comes to Hollywood to try and become a star. However this was one of the earliest and also one of the better versions of that tale. Esther (Janet Gaynor) leaves her honest rural home with a starry eyed dream in her heart - and more usefully a handful of dollars from granny. Esther finds it virtually impossible to get any work though...

Then she meets movie star Norman (Fredric March) at a party. Norman marries Esther and helps her get into the movies. But Norman's losing battle with the bottle is taking his career on a downwards trajectory just as Esther's is moving up...

A lovely film in Technicolor, the inner workings of Hollywood and the wonder of the magical place are so well portrayed. As is the darker under belly. For every realised dream there were a thousand broken hearts. Like in so much of life.

From Hell It Came (1957)

A rather odd little monster horror film... the monster in this case being a walking tree stump! A idyllic island in the South Pacific is troubled by radioactive dust and a native prince being killed by the tribal chief Maranka (Baynes Barron), under the advice of the scheming witchdoctor Tano (Robert Swan), for being overly friendly with American scientists...

The prince comes back to life as an accursed Tabanga, a dangerous tree stump. The monster begins to wreck havoc, can the scientists Tod Andrews and Tina Carver defeat native dark magic with science? Tabanga meanwhile slowly stomps around the island throwing people into quicksand.

The premise is fairly familiar though the monster in this case is a bit unusual. The film is slow to get started, the monster doesn't appear for a long time and when it does it is pretty laughable. The low budget makes for pretty shoddy production values but this does add a lot to the cheese value. Don't expect enlightened attitudes to Pacific islanders, but do expect a walking tree with eyes.

The Dark Power (1985)

A terrible horror which wins through sheer ridiculousness. An American Indian medicine man (Robert Busheyhead) dies, his last word is "Toltec", what did he mean? Well a group of annoying college students move into his house, despite the fact he tried to get the land it is on condemned and dumped in the sea. Apparently four Toltec wizards were buried alive and they could come to life again...

They indeed do, and turn an annoying frat party with casual racism and sexism galore, into an abattoir. The Toltec wizards are amazingly poor looking zombies but are pretty unstoppable. Well apart from Ranger Girard (Lash La Rue) who has a magical whip and takes on one of the zombies in what must be one of the most long winded final battles ever.

The film is in two halves: the first is actually rather slow and boring but once the wizard zombies come back to life the actual horror part isn't that bad though humour rather than thrills is usually the result. Rather terrible film but worth watching for the sheer inanity.

South of Panama (1941)

A modest but decent espionage drama. Government scientist Paul Martin (Hugh Beaumont) has developed a new secret camouflage paint and is heading to Panama, but enemy agents want that secret for themselves. Paul's sister Jan (Virginia Vale) is warned agents are waiting for her brother and causes a distraction with stranger Mike Lawrence (Richard Pryor).

Lawrence, whom the rather clueless agents think is Jan's sister, gets drawn into the action which includes some fairly low-octane car chases and a few fumbling fight scenes. Jan meanwhile puts on a black wig and becomes a Latina singer and becomes "unrecognisable" despite her awful accent...

An enjoyable little film which makes little sense if we are to be honest, if the scientist's formula was so valuable why would he be allowed to travel without any protection? However if the viewer can get over that they'll find a fast paced drama, maybe few surprises but well executed.

Deathstalker (1983)

Sword and sorcery... and a lot of bare breasts. Evil Munkar (Bernard Erhard) is a magician who rules the kingdom... which seems to be a kingdom of a lot of murder and rape. Carefree adventurer Deathstalker (Richard Hill) is recruited by a witch to defeat Munkar. To do this he must get a magical sword which will render him invincible. He does this (and thus takes a lot of the tension out of the film).

Next Deathstalker rides into Munkar's castle to take part in a tournament. More killing and depravity takes place. Princess Codille (Barbi Benton) is more of interest to Deathstalker than the ultimate power, which he will gain if he seizes Munkar's amulet and chalice...

So this is a film with a lot of violence (including quite a lot of decapitations) and sex (masses of female and make nudity). Naturally the land is also full of strange monsters and freaks, including a rather odd creature who lives in a box. It is isn't a film that has much in the way of plot, but the plot there is is the usual sub-Conan fare. The film doesn't really make much sense but is enjoyable campy tosh and is as fun as it looks. It doesn't take itself seriously which is always the best with stuff like this.

The Bold Cavalier (1936)

The first colour Zorro film. The brutal Commandant (Sig Ruman) is mistreating the peasants, the mysterious Zorro is raising them in revolt. When the new Governor is killed, Zorro is blamed and the Governor's daughter Lady Palma (Heather Angel) demands revenge. She is annoyed by the perfumed fop Don Diego (Robert Livingston) who is always hanging around, he seems a coward and not a real man...

Of course we know Don Diego is really Zorro and he plays a clever double game (though aided by everyone else being fairly naive) to help the peasants and stay in Lady Palma's good books. He even tries (or appears to anyway) to help the Commandant win Lady Palma's heart. Finally his identity is revealed, can Lady Palma forgive Don Diego and stop the Commandant's evil plan to rule the province instead of her?

A good 1930s action drama where little time is wasted. Rollicking swash buckling fun overall, the film has a number of great action set pieces where Zorro shows off his fighting prowess and also bull fighting skills.

The Man Who Fell to Earth (1976)

Superbly odd sci-fi as David Bowie plays an alien called Newton (lets face it a part he was born to play). Newton is trapped on Earth but uses his knowledge of advanced alien technology to build a massive corporation with the help of Farnsworth (Buck Henry). He then heads off to New Mexico where he stays in a hotel room full of TVs with maid Mary Lou (Candy Clarke) who drinks a lot of gin.

Newton wants to build a spaceship in order to return home, hence building a billion dollar corporation in order to afford it. Unfortunately the US government end up putting a spanner in the works...

A strange film indeed. Bowie spends most of the film looking suitably bemused at the weird ways of the Earth. The plot seems rather lost amid the odd and surreal visuals but is best enjoyed for the wonderful weird art that is it.

The Magic Sword (1962)

A vibrant but rather odd fantasy tale of knights on horseback, dragons and magic. Evil sorcerer Lodak (Basil Rathbone) has captured princess Helene (Anne Helm) and wants to feed her to his dragon. Sir Branton (Liam Sullivan) promises his liege he will rescue Helene in return for her hand in magic... but Sir George (Gary Lockwood) also vows to rescue her... even though he has only ever seen her secretly via a magic pool. Obviously in ye olde age peeping toms were not considered so bad...

To reach the princess the knights have to face seven deadly curses from Lodak including swamps and an orge, The main danger to George though is from Sir Branton who is secretly in league with Lodak. Luckily George is equipped with some magic of his own thanks to his foster mum witch Sybil (Estelle Winwood)...

A fantastical adventure. It is high camp as well, Rathbone and Winwood give great pantomime like performances, which is just what the film needs. Lockwood always looks like he is finding whats going on around him somewhat confusing.

The Amazing Mr. X (1948)

An entertaining film full of twists, the film takes you in one direction then completely spins everything around... more than once. Christine (Lynn Bari) is a rich widow about to get engaged to Martin (Richard Carlson) when she encounters the mysterious Alexis (Turhan Bey) on a beach walk. Alexis is a spiritualist, complete with pet crow, who helps Christine contact her husband Paul (Donald Curtis) who died in an accident a few years before...

But Alexis is a phoney, using a maid to find information about Christine so he can relieve her of the burden of having a lot of cash. Rationalist Martin scoffs at the silly woman superstition of course but then he is shocked when Paul seems to return for real. In fact Paul was never dead after all and now wants Alexis' help to get Christine's money...

Somewhat melodramatic but full of interest. The mechanics of how Alexis tricks people is genuinely fascinating. Turhan Bey puts on a great performance as the suave and slightly sinister Alexis.

On the Wrong Track (1983)

Middling early 1980s HK youth drama. Paul (Andy Lau) and Ah De (Chau Wah Yim) are brothers in high school who are always getting into scrapes. Nothing unusual there but these scrapes include baseball bat fights, wrecking a Ferrari and wearing women's underwear in class. A further complication in their lives is that their Dad (Yueh Hua) is a cop...

Despite regular beatings by their Dad and the police they don't seem to want to learn their lesson. Things come to a head with the vandalising of a supermarket, De gets killed by violent police man King Kong (Lau Kwok Shing) and of course Paul wants revenge...

The film is very much of it's time, the usual HK movie mix of humour, melodrama and ultra violence and looks great (it will certainly make you nostalgic for 1980s HK). Although the film isn't too exceptional it is notable for being Andy Lau's first lead role.

Lost in the Stratosphere (1934)

Unlike the aviators who reach high into the sky, the story stays at fairly low altitudes. Soapy (William Cagney) and Woody (Edward Nugent) are two US airmen who are close friends, but a love triangle with Evelyn (June Collyer) - who is not an aviator and thus doesn't have a nickname - damages that friendship...

However the two airmen are drawn together to crew a helium balloon which will try and beat the altitude record. Naturally things do not go to plan and this helps bring the two friends back together... and then apart in a way which may stretch credibility a bit.

The balloon scenes and other aerial adventures are pretty interesting though the rest of the film is pretty middling. The film is mostly notable for being one of the few films James Cagney's younger brother William starred in before he moved onto other roles in the industry.

No Sex Please - We're British (1973)

A very British 1970s film with the usual kind of saucy innuendo and farce humour. The quiet and regimented life at a bank in Windsor is thrown into chaos when a consignment of pornographic photographs (and later other blue material) is accidentally sent there to the assistant manager David Hunter (Ian Ogilvy). Unfortunately the manager Mr Bromley (Arthur Lowe) is on a crusade to stamp out porn...

David, his wife Penny (Susan Penhaligon) and the chief cashier Brian Runnicles (Ronnie Corbett) don't know what to do with the porn as they fear they'll end up in prison. David's mother (Beryl Reid) is also around adding to the chaos...

Although the cast is a who's who of British comedians the result is a bit less than the sum of the parts though still not bad at all. The film isn't without its funny moments though is a little too much like a stage farce (indeed was an adaptation of one) with a little too much running around in scenes, sometimes it drowns out the funny lines. As a period piece it is wonderful. As a comedy film it is decent... despite being about indecency!

West of Hot Dog (1924)

On his way to the small town of Hot Dog Stan Laurel is held up by rascally outlaws. Stan is on his way to to the town to hear the reading of his Uncle's will, as are the outlaws we later discover. Stan is left everything including the saloon... but if he dies then Bad Mike (Lee Meehan) will get the saloon. Stan obviously decides to flee town but falls right into Bad Mike's lap...

A nice little comedy western, Stan plays his usual goofy character and there are plenty of visual gags and slapstick. The film is a little light but has plenty of charm, one of Stan Laurel's better solo comedies.

War-Gods of the Deep (1965)

A wonderfully fantastical tale. American adventurer Ben (Tad Hunter) is in a Cornish village along with lovely Jill (Susan Hart) and eccentric chicken loving artist Harold (David Tomlinson). Strange goings on one night, including the sight of a strange gill-man perplex our heroes and then Jill goes missing. Ben and Harold go looking for her and stumble upon a mysterious city under the sea...

The Captain (Vincent Price) rules the city, having been trapped there a hundred years ago with his crew of smugglers. For some reason they do not age in this lost Atlantis with mysterious pumping technology and Babylonian artwork. However the end is nigh as a volcano may erupt any moment and destroy everything...

Although the film can be a bit slow at times the film covers all the best "lost world" film tropes perfectly with some impressive set design which includes reproductions of Sumerian art. Vincent Price steals the show with his wonderfully dark and ruthless Captain. As for the rest of the acting it is passable though John Le Mesurier is good as a priest trapped in the lost world.

The Psychotronic Man (1979)

Rocky (Peter Spelson) stops his car on a country lane after a long day of cutting hair at his barber shop but while he dozes he seems to be caught up into some strange phenomenon where his car ends up levitating. Afterwards he has headaches at random moments and is then possessed by some sort of demonic force and can kill with the power of his mind.

His first victim is a local bum whom he kills over a plate of beans. Then he kills his doctor who is beginning to suspect something is going on. The police begin the slowest investigation in history but finally Lt. O'Brien (Chris Carbis) thinks Rocky is killing people with psychotronic power...

An entertaining though pretty low-quality film, where little happens for long periods. When there is action, such as the police car chase, it is pretty shoddy though this adds to the 1970s cheese and unintentional hilarity. It is very late 1970s in look and that has an appeal of it's own of course.

The Black Camel (1931)

One of the earliest Charlie Chan films. Movie star Shelia Fane (Dorothy Revier) is shooting a film in Honolulu. Before she marries Alan Jaynes (William Post Jr) she consults the fakir Tanaverro (Bela Lugosi) but he confronts her about the unsolved murder of actor Denny Mayo several years ago. Later Fayne is found dead and Charlie Chan (Warner Oland) begins his investigation...

And it is a complicated investigation with a number of suspects. All Chan knows is that Tanaverro has an alibi even though he is so suspicious the viewer can guess he is involved somehow. The case, as in all Golden Age mysteries, hinges on the tiniest of clues: scratches made by a pin embedded in the murderer's heel...

A highly enjoyable murder mystery only jarred by some of the sound issues and hesitant dialogue which often plagued early talkies. The identity of the murderer might seem a bit left field as the character did not appear nearly as much as other suspects. At this early stage in the Chan canon his assistant is the bumbling Kashimo (Otto Yamaoka) not one of his sons, though we do get a delightful scene where Chan has breakfast with all of his huge family!

Glorifying the American Girl (1929)

A story of a girl who ends up lucky in career but unlucky in love in this early talkie. Gloria (Mary Eaton) is singing in a sheet music store with Buddy (Edward Crandall) and Barbara (Gloria Shea). Gloria dreams of being able to sing on the big stage rather than behind a shop counter but is also in love with Buddy (though Barbara also has the hots for the guy...)

Gloria, pushed by her ruthless mother (Sarah Edwards), is discovered by hustler Miller (Dan Healy) and soon leaves her old life behind in order to hit the big time which she eventually does by a Ziegfeld Folly though ends up being screwed by Miller. The second half of the time is a spectacular Ziegfeld show which Gloria is in but of course there is a price to be paid for fame.

The story is well worn but as a historical curiosity the film is well worth watching. The staging and spectacle of the final show is mesmerising with a few big stars of the day also performing (to varying degree of merit).

Deadly Prey (1987)

Ridiculous ultra violent nonsense, fun for all the wrong reasons of course. Colonel Hogan (David Campbell) has set up a mercenary camp in the woods, to train his men he sets them off to hunt down an overweight office worker. Despite the fact they make pretty heavy weather of it, his team are sent to find another victim, someone tougher. More of a challenge. How about ex-special forces, and former comrade of Hogan, Mike Danton (Ted Prior)?

Mike is set off to run into the woods to be hunted down, but soon it becomes clear that he is the hunter as he steadily wipes out the camouflaged bums one by one. Finally Hogan realises who his "prey" is and the hunt becomes personal...

Well there isn't much story but a load of macho nonsense as muscular men fight with knives, rocks and anything else. Cameron Mitchell plays Mike's father-in-law who manages to find where Mike is being held despite the vaguest of information and infiltrates a base of heavily armed mercenaries. Despite the fact Hogan keeps half a dozen hand grenades on his desk you get the impression this army of fortune isn't all that good...

The film is great fun if you like cheesy violent 1980s films. Lets face it who doesn't like a film where a man gets a hand grenade put down his pants?

Missile X: Tehran Incident (1979)

Unintentionally hilarious sub-Bond nonsense. A peace summit is due to be held in the Persian Gulf but the Baron (Curt Jurgens) seeks to attack it using a stolen Russian nuclear missile (which so obviously looks like it has been made out of cardboard). CIA agent Franklin (Peter Graves) is sent to Iran where he meets up with his Soviet counterpart Senyonov (Michael Dante) to find out whats going on.

Quite what their plan is remains a mystery as they seem to aimlessly move from one fight to the other, including a formless brawl in a casino. Luckily for our heroes the Baron's men are low-rent thugs including a man with a metal arm that can project spikes. They all share a lack of ability to fight and shoot straight in scene after scene. 

Franklin meanwhile sleeps with women young enough to be his daughter (at least). As the film progresses you get the impression he might be a little too old to be throwing himself around an Iranian backyard. It probably would have been a decent role for Graves about fifteen years earlier into his career.

It is a fun (if approached in the right manner) if nonsensical film. The film does have a great funk soundtrack, though most of the time it rather jars with the action, sometimes drowning out the dialogue too. This adds to the "joy" of the film of course. The view of Iran just before the revolution is also fascinating and revealing.