The Statue (1971)

A rather funny farce about a huge phallus. Noted linguist Alex (David Niven) is to be honoured by a statue commissioned by US ambassador Ray (Robert Vaughn) and created by Alex's artist wife Rhonda (Virna Lisi). When Alex has a sneak peek of the statue he is shocked, Rhonda has created a naked statue of himself... though with another man's very large gentleman's sausage.

Rhonda refuses to change the statue, Alex's only legal recourse is to find out who was the model for the... thing thinking Rhonda must have slept with him. Alex starts to make his way through a list of Rhonda's male acquaintances, finding ways to see their genitals...

It does sound a very strange film and it indeed is very odd, and very of it's time. The film is smutty and ridiculous, not everything works but frequently it really does hit the spot. A good cast, which also includes John Cleese and Ann Bell, make the most of it. 

The Black Pirate (1926)

The sort of swash buckling silent movie epic Douglas Fairbanks Senior was born for and set the screen action hero template for. With some scenes of quite stark brutality, including the dumping of corpses in a heap and lots of murder, we are hurled into the savage world of the pirates led by Anders Randolf and Sam De Grasse. The Duke of Arnoldo (Fairbanks) is seeking revenge on the pirates for murdering his father, he thus infiltrates their band as the Black Pirate...

The Black Pirate soon proves himself as he helps capture a ship and he rises up the ranks, but his plans for revenge are complicated by the lovely Isobel (Billie Dove) whom he must protect from the evil clutches of his fellow pirates...

Although a lot of the more extreme violence is implied off-screen, the film can be very bloody, and in it's Technicolor print (one of the earliest) would have been very red! As a silent movie action epic this can't be faulted, Fairbanks was at his wash buckling action hero peak. The story may be pretty obvious but that is not the important thing here, it's spectacular.

The Dumb Girl of Portici (1916)

An early epic though, while undeniably impressive, is a bit long winded. With Naples enduring the cruel regime of Spain, the playboy son of the Viceroy (Douglas Gerrard) spies and takes a fancy to Fenella (Anna Pavlova), a mute peasant girl. 

He seduces and ravishes her, then the Viceroy (Wadsworth Harris) tries to get rid of her and the scandal by having her thrown in prison and whipped! Fenella's mistreatment sparks the populace in a revolt led by fisherman Masaniello (Robert Julian) which eventually brings down the Viceroy and his regime who do not have a happy ending...

While not a brilliant film it does have plenty of grand designs and grander staging. Pavlova (yes the dessert was named after her) was a famous ballerina and this was her only appearance in a feature film. Her appearances have the lightness and grace you would expect though the camerawork unfortunately often did not make the most of it. The film could have done with some heavy editing. But it is an interesting film and was quite an accomplishment.

The Phantom Express (1932)

An engaging early talkie. While in charge of a train, Smokey (J Farrell MacDonald) is forced to make an emergency brake when he thinks there is another train oncoming. The action results in his own train crashing. After an enquiry where it seems there was no other train involved Smokey is left in disgrace. Meanwhile the railway company owner's son Bruce (William Collier Jr) decides to stop his playboy activities and investigate the crash himself, mostly because he has a crush on Smokey's daughter Carolyn (Sally Blane).

Bruce, working undercover, discovers a nefarious scheme using an aeroplane with a light and loud speakers to trick train drivers into thinking another train is on the tracks. The plan is to force the railway owner Harrington (Hobart Bosworth) into selling the company to them...

A fast moving film with some decent (for their day) special effects. The dialogue might be a bit inaudible at times but the film flows very well and has plenty of thrills and spills. The bad guy's plot does stretch credibility a bit but that is a minor criticism.

At the Earth's Core (1976)

Dr Perry (Peter Cushing) and David (Doug McClure) head into solid rock using a giant tunnelling machine. The machine goes slightly wrong and they end up marooned in a strange new tropical world deep underground instead of Wales. It is a strange world inhabited by dinosaurs and girls in skimpy ragged outfits (so probably not Wales then). Perry and David end up captured and sent as slaves to the sinister Mahar, avian dinosaurs who control their underlings with psychic powers...

David fights his way to freedom, linking up with tribal leader Ra (Cy Grant) and falling for the lovely Dia (Catharine Munro). He and Perry unite the disparate human tribes to fight and destroy the Mahar. Then they can repair their tunnelling machine and head home happily for tea...

And it is all wonderful tosh with questionable (though at times pretty decent) special effects, cliched fights with beasts and weird monsters. Don't ask how the humans in this underground world can speak English though, it remains unexplained like much of the film!

Wizards of the Lost Kingdom (1985)

A loose sequel to Deathstalker, though mostly through the use of recycled footage at the start. This is a lighter film though with boy wizards, fairly bloodless fighting and amusing dwarves instead of much in the way of female nudity and decapitations. Evil wizard Shurka (Thom Christopher) kills the good wizard (Edgardo Moreira) and takes over the kingdom. However, the wizard's son Simon (Vidal Peterson) manages to escape along with his friend who looks like he is wearing a cheap yeti fancy dress costume.

Simon befriends wandering warrior Kor (Bo Svenson), who is apparently a famous adventurer though he doesn't really show much in the way of fighting in this film, his hunt for booze is very impressive instead. Simon and Kor have to get back to the palace and find the ring of power before Shurka and his goons do. The fact the ring was lying in a corner of Shurka's spell chamber all along indicates the goons did not try very hard...

A terrible film but unintentionally hilarious and highly entertaining. The sets are cheap, as are the costumes and effects. The various beasts and monsters look like bargain items bought at a fancy dress store. The film's plot is basic but works well enough. The film is terrific nonsense.

The Dippy Dentist (1920)

A bright and breezy little comedy short. Fifi (Marie Mosquini) is pursued by various men but a new dentist (Snub Pollard) really makes a move for her, pushing aside his rival dentist Gaylord Lloyd (Harold's brother) with ease. Snub is also not averse to using laughing gas to subdue Fifi and have his way with her! 

Questionable morals aside, this is a decent enough farce which gets most of it's laughs from Pollard's interesting method of patient care and his roughhouse style in general. Not a great comedy short but perfectly passable.

Carnival Magic (1983)

Time for our 900th review!

Life at a low-rent seedy carnival with all it's questionable glamour; all mediocre acts, threadbare costumes and bored exploited animals. Stoney (Mark Weston) is the carnival owner and things aren't going very well; sales are down, his two main acts are fighting and he refuses to accept his daughter Ellen (Jennifer Houlton) is really a girl and calls her Bud instead. Tiger tamer Kirk (Joe Cirillo) doesn't like the magician Markov (Don Stewart) hanging around his big cats. He demands Stoney fires Markov...

But Markov has a secret, he is sharing his caravan with a talking chimp called Alex (Trudi the chimp) - well when we say talking it is mostly grunting with bad dubbing. With Alex the chimp now revealed, Markov is forced to include him in his act and the carnival's sales suddenly rise. Kirk is no longer top of the bill and sells Alex to an evil vivisectionist Dr Poole (Charles Reynolds)...

The film doesn't explain how Alex can talk and how Markov can read minds for real. That is the least of the film's problems though, It really isn't very good, though the sheer nonsense can be entertaining. There is a degree of farce, such as Alex stealing a car, and some drama - some of it quite dark. One high point is the fact Don Stewart - who admittedly was pretty buff in this - in most scenes is wearing less clothes than his chimp.

The Skull Murder Mystery (1932)

A rather baffling murder mystery. A skull is found in an alleyway between two houses, a man thought to have been killed some time before. Inspector Carr (John Hamilton) and Doctor Crabtree (Donald Meek) first interrogate the eccentric inhabitants of the one house, the Beck family (Harry Mestayer, Paul Guilfoye and Joanna Roos) who seem to be performing various strange scientific experiments and acting very strangely. In the other house is Chinese merchant Wang Run (Lee Tong Foo) who conveniently was away when it is thought the murder took place, he also has a number of rather sharp Oriental weapons...

Crabtree comes up with an ingenious way to try and scare a confession out of either suspect (the fact it could have been someone else entirely is somewhat overlooked). However, things come to a head when the Beck family try and do a runner and a groaning man is found in their attic...

A short feature which proceeds at a breakneck pace, unfortunately a little too quickly as much remains unexplained, for example what exactly were the Becks up to?! A fairly interesting if not especially that good crime film.

The Time Travelers (1964)

This 1960s science fiction movie contains a lot of interesting ideas but it also has rather too much goofy humour. 

A group of scientists (which we know are serious scientists as they have white coats on) are trying to build a window into time. However, they discover their window is actually a portal into the future. Danny (Steve Franken) - who is in overalls and so not a scientist of course - steps into the portal. He is followed by Scientists Steve (Philip Carey) and Dr von Steiner (Preston Foster). Carol (Merry Anders) meanwhile is tasked to keep an eye on the portal, but as she is a 1960s ditzy female (despite being a scientist) she of course also steps through the portal and ends up marooned in a desolate future along with the rest of them.

On the run from a gang of mutants, the scientists and Danny are saved by the last survivors of human civilisation. Dr Varno (John Hoyt) explains that the Earth was turned into a wasteland by nuclear war, now final preparations are being made to launch a space ship to take them to Alpha Centauri...

Not the worst 1960s science fiction movie, the story has a little bit more sophistication than usual. The film lacks much in the way of action and can be a little dull at times. The goofy humour was probably included to counter that, though does not really work very well. The budget was low but they made the most of it.

Death Line (1972)

A superbly dark horror. An important civil servant (James Cossins) goes missing, he was last seen incapacitated at Russell Square tube station by students Alex (David Ladd) and Patricia (Sharon Gurney). Although Inspector Calhoun (Donald Pleasance) is fobbed off by MI5 (Christopher Lee) he still thinks there is a crime to investigate, especially when some workers are found killed at the same tube station. Forensics indicates there was another person present at the attack, one extremely ill.

There are legends, Calhoun learns, of trapped Victorian workers who formed a cannibalistic soceity underground. Of course this is nonsense, or is it? Alex and Patricia soon find out for themselves...

A terrifically cruel and strange film, much of which takes place in dark forgotten tunnels. The film has a strange mixture of flawed humanity (in the very realistic characters) and tragic inhumanity of the man (Hugh Armstrong). Indeed, the "beast" is in many ways a sad victim too, which adds so many layers to this film. Really quite brilliant.

Cry Wilderness (1987)

Young Paul (Eric Foster) has a secret, he has a friend in the forest... Bigfoot! Of course the adults, including his teacher, do not believe such nonsense. When Paul is visited by Bigfoot at his boarding school by Bigfoot and warned his father (Maurice Brandmaison) is in danger, Paul runs away and returns to the wilderness.

His father Will and his friend Jim (John Tallman) are hunting for a tiger which has escaped from a circus. Will is under pressure to catch the tiger before it kills someone, wannabe 80s action hero Morgan (Griffin Casey) is drafted in to pose in a tank top and wave guns around. This cardboard character also believes in Bigfoot... and  wants to kill it. Can Paul save his father, capture the tiger and save Bigfoot?

A terrible film in reality, which has rapid and random changes of terrain and weather. One scene its winter, then next summer. Still they had to pad the film out with stock footage. Those strange woods eh? The film is unintentionally hilarious with ridiculously one dimensional characters and inept execution.

Heroes for Sale (1933)

A powerful film though a bit melodramatic at times. We start in WW1 with Tom (Richard Barthelmess) and Roger (George Westcott) preparing to raid a German position. During the battle Roger loses his nerve and Tom is injured, apparently killed, after capturing a German officer. Roger ends up getting all the glory and a fast track to becoming a senior officer, even though he knows it is all a lie.

To Roger's shock after the end of the war he discovers that Tom survived and had been nursed back to rough health by the Germans. They both return home, Roger to glory and respect and Tom a drug habit. Tom's life begins to spiral downwards as the drug addiction takes away his job, his reputation and his respect. This isn't the end of Tom's topsy turvey adventure as he rises up to become a success in business but inadvertently causes a riot. Roger has his troubles too, in the end he gets caught for stealing. The two men end the film as they started, together with nothing, and in the rain.

The film has plenty of story, which is frequently laid on a bit thick. Barthelmess produces a superb portrayal of a man beaten down by the system and all life can throw at him but still come up for more. Loretta Young and Alice McMahon also take on very good roles.

The Girl and Her Trust (1912)

An interesting little short feature. Grace (Dorothy Bernard) is the telegraph operator at a railway station. When a bunch of tramps led by Alfred Paget try and rob $2000 being transferred by train, Grace saves the day by telegraphing on ahead to get help and also holding off the tramps in her office...

This is a great little film with a strong female character, obviously rather rare in cinema back then. Good early use of editing and camera angles help make this a cutting edge film for it's day and not just a camera being kept statically in front of a stage play. Well worth the watch.

The Day Time Ended (1979)

The makers of this film obviously had budget for special effects and were going to use as many as possible, no matter if it made sense to the plot (such that there is). The result is a bit of a mess though not without charm. 

A nice middle class family arrive home at their funky modern house in the desert, all solar panels and modern art (and to be fair it looks amazing). However, weird things start happening. Strange lights at night appear at night, these third encounters involve stop motion monsters and time warps.

Grant (Jim Davis) waves a pistol around rather ineffectually as one of the aliens, the family encounters, looks like a flying teasmade and stops bullets in mid air and vaporise them. However, the teasmade is stopped by a wooden interior door. Little Jenny (Natasha Ryan) isn't afraid of the aliens and leads the family into a time warp into the future...

The film doesn't make much sense, after a night of having their lives turned upside down and being menaced by monsters, they all seem cool about being seemingly marooned in the far future in a strange land. In fact apart from a mild case of awe and minor terror they don't seem that freaked out about anything. The alien antics, which randomly switch from monster attacks to time warps and UFO light shows, are also hard to explain. The film is nonsense with little plot but entertaining fun all the same.

Nabonga (1944)

A standard jungle adventure with the obligatory big ape played by a man in a suit and a white woman who has grown up in the distant jungle but still looks like she just came out of a beauty salon! 

Years ago, Stockwell (Herbert Rawlinson) made off with a fortune in gems along with his young daughter Doreen (Jackie Newfield). Their plane crashes in the jungle, Doreen befriends a gorilla (Ray Corrigan) who has been wounded...

Some years later Ray (Buster Crabb) is in Africa looking for these gems. His father took the blame for Stockwell's crime and Ray wants to clear his name. With the help of Tobo (Prince Modupe) he heads into the jungle to the realm of a mysterious white witch. Carl (Barton MacLane) and Marie (Fifi D'Orsay) are also on the trail though Carl just wants the gems for himself! Ray discovers that the white witch is Doreen, now a young woman (Julie London) and guarded by her friendly gorilla Samson. Doreen isn't interested in giving the gems back...

Standard jungle adventure fare with Buster Crabb fulfilling the Tarzan-like hero role with some bare chested wild animal fighting. The film is pretty low budget with limited "jungle" scenes which make the most of stock footage. Samson the gorilla's suit is a highlight as is Doreen's rather fetching jungle print cocktail dress. Remarkable what you can pick up in the deepest darkest jungle.

The Mirror Crack'd (1980)

An excellent Agatha Christie adaptation packed full of stars. Hollywood has invaded a quiet English village to make a film being directed by Jason Rudd (Rock Hudson) and starring wife Marina (Elizabeth Taylor). However, at a reception local girl Heather (Maureen Bennett) dies of poisoning. Was the poison really intended for Marina?

Miss Marple (Angela Lansbury) and her nephew Inspector Craddock (Edward Fox) investigate the murder in their own separate ways. There are a number of suspects including the shifty producer Martin (Tony Curtis) and Marina's unstable rival Lola (Kim Novak). But was the crime not quite as it appears?

A delightful film that really plays up the contrast between the hysteria and exaggeration of Hollywood and the staid conservatism of a 1950s English village. The film doesn't move very quickly but it certainly is highly enjoyable.

Reptilicus (1961)

Everyone was doing a monster movie in the 1960s, and here is the Danish "Godzilla", a rather ridiculous looking reptile which destroys Copenhagen. The preserved remains of a strange beast are found by Svend (Bent Medjing) a miner. Back at the lab, Professor Martens (Ashjorn Andersen) is carefully analysing the remains. When a mistake thaws the remains out the remains begin to regenerate...

During a thunderstorm the regeneration completes rapidly, the result being a huge armour plated killing machine. The Reptilicus (as it is called) escapes and begins to destroy. US General Grayson (Carl Ottosen) is tasked with stopping it but the army weapons have little effect as the creature descends on the city...

A very strange film with odd stilted dialogue and stiff acting, plus incredibly ropey special effects. For some reason the creature spits green goo, which has little effect on whatever it hits. It also has a lot of trouble destroying even the most cardboard of building. The film is complete nonsense and also hilarious and hugely enjoyable of course.

West of the Divide (1934)

An unsurprising but perfectly competent Western. Ted (John Wayne) is still wondering what happened to his brother and smarting at how his Dad was probably killed by Gentry (Lloyd Whitlock) and the family ranch taken over. By sheer chance he sees the opportunity to pose as an outlaw and infiltrate Gentry's gang. Gentry meanwhile is after another ranch, menacing Fred Winters (Lafe McKee) and his daughter Faye (Virginia Brown Faire)...

With the help of his sidekick Dusty (George Gabby Hayes), Ted seeks evidence of Gentry's mis-deeds and finally brings him to rights with much hard horse riding and diving through windows.

Although the story is a bit by numbers (though with a few surprises) and artistically is nothing out of the ordinary, this is a decent Western. John Wayne was not quite the finished article but you can see why he was well on the way to becoming a legend.

The Great Smokey Roadblock (1977)

One of a number of trucking movies made in the late 1970s. Although light hearted enough, this isn't as funny as some of the other trucking films, though has some soul and heart. Elegant John (Henry Fonda) is dying and his truck is repossessed, he wants one last great cross country run before he dies so he skips hospital and steals his truck back. He heads East across the US, picking up Bible bashing hitchhiker Beebo (Robert Englund) and a trailer load of prostitutes including Eileen Brennan and Susan Sarandon also fleeing the law...

Our journey across small town and smaller trail America takes in a number of fascinating characters including the Missouri lawman called Harley Davidson (Dub Taylor)! The film is watchable though overall has the energy of a broken down truck. It tries very hard to be a comedy though much of the comedy falls quite flat. The story, Elegant John's need for one last fling before he dies, is solid. The film may have been better if they dialled back on the other weirdness and concentrated more on that. 

Despite it's problems the film isn't bad at all especially with the cast it has, and as a period piece of late 70s small town America it really works.

Cleopatra (1912)

A classic early silent movie, full of dramatic gestures and many extras in period costumes (of dubious historical accuracy). This tells the story of Cleopatra (Helen Gardner) after the murder of Julius Caesar and her seduction of Marc Antony (Charles Sindelar) and blah blah blah. The history, or at least William Shakespeare's version of it, is very familiar and doesn't need to be repeated here.

At the start of the film, the slave Pharon (Mr Howard) professes his love to Cleopatra. When she finds out she offers him ten days of love after which he must kill himself. He agrees though Pharon's lover the handmaiden Iras (Pearl Sindelar) is not so keen on this and later uses this against her Queen...

This is a lush historical epic to which regular colour tinting adds another dimension. The film is fairly low budget though and the sets reflect that. The camera is also pretty static, it is more like a filmed stage play than an actual film but still an interesting watch all the same.