Norman Checks In (1984)

The Norman short comedy films were rather strange, Douglas P MacIntosh made four films about his loser character Norman every five years between 1974 and 1989. So, this is the third film, made five years after Welcome Back, Norman. Norman has checked into a hotel but his desired room has been overbooked due to a taxidermy convention.

Instead he is given the hotel's room from hell. Noisy, cramped, with a broken shower and Norman ends up exposing himself to a maid! This is a very strange little film, amusing if not rip roaringly funny. Quite why it exists is still a mystery, but i am kind of glad it does.

From Soup to Nuts (1928)

A good Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy comedy short though not quite the best. Mrs Culpepper (Anita Garvin) wants to show off by holding a posh dinner party. She requires a couple of waiters, but unfortunately she gets Stan and Ollie! Mayhem obviously ensues. The mayhem is a little predictable though, when Ollie walks into the dining room carrying a huge cake you know he is going to end up with his face in it... and indeed he does, several times!

Mrs Culpepper also has a lot of trouble with a cherry but when Stan walks in to serve the salad in his underwear (he was told to serve the salad undressed of course) the cherry is soon forgotten. Good old fashioned fun.

Fun in Balloon Land (1965)

Many of the films reviewed on this blog make little sense, this film makes no sense whatsoever. The film is a child's dream, and his dream seems to involve giant inflatable characters who sound like they are shouting down tunnels, and a host of dancing characters. To be honest if this is what the child dreams of then they are probably in need of a child psychologist. They spend most of their time in their dream looking bored and confused, like everyone else, though it's their fault.

Then we see a parade to pad the film out, though to be honest it goes on so long it's more like the dream part of the film is the padding. Quite what this all means is unknown, but if you are of a sober inclination but you have wondered what it's like to be completely stoned out of your mind then this film is for you. Very weird indeed. It was probably made to advertise the Giant Balloon Parades Inc., or maybe psychedelic drugs.

Omega Cop (1990)

An incredibly low budget, high violence post-apocalyptic movie. It makes no sense naturally.

It is 1999 and society has broken down, due to solar flares which turns people into crazies (somehow). Travis (Ronald Marchini) is one of the last cops in the city (and soon the last one), sent by Prescott (Adam West) - with whom he has a hate-hate relationship - to stop slave traders. The raid, against the leather clad warlord Wraith (Chuck Katzakian) and his gang, goes badly and all of Travis' buddies die. He does save Lena (Meg Thayer) from a life on her back however.

As Travis wanders around the broken down city he also picks up two other women, and regularly fights gang members for almost any reason, including to get back his hat! After endless martial arts and gun battles, Wraith descends on Prescott's compound. Travis heads in for a showdown with Wraith... which doesn't actually happen.

The film is rather grubby and seems mostly to contain lost extras from Mad Max ripoffs and late 80s pop videos. The story is nonsense, the action isn't bad, the cheese factor is high. This makes Omega Cop quite a reasonable entry in the post-apocalypse movie genre to be honest.

A Candle for the Devil (1973)

A wonderfully dark and erotic horror. Strict religious sisters Marta (Aurora Batista) and Veronica (Esperanza Roy) own a Spanish guest house. Their religious sensibilities are offended by a new generation of young women whom they consider have low morals, though Veronica is sleeping with the servant boy half her age. When one young woman is accidentally killed, Marta regards it as judgment from God and the sisters cover up their crime. When the woman's sister Laura (Judy Geeson) turns up looking for her, things start to get tense and awkward questions get asked...

An erotic film with lots of nudity and lots of violent and grisly murder. The film portrays the divide between the old traditional religious morals and the new freer secular way. It also shows the hypocrisy of both worlds. A tense and exciting film.

I Believe in Santa Claus (1984)

A Christmas movie with a bit of a difference. Simon (Emeric Chapulis) is sad for a number of reasons, including being bullied at school, menaced by the evil caretaker and because his parents are missing in Africa. He writes his letter to Santa asking for him to bring them back. When he and his friend Elodie (Alexia Haudrot) end up on a plane to Lapland, he gets to meet Santa (Armand Meffre) and ask him to help for real!

Santa goes to Africa (this isn't narrowed down any, let's face is "Africa" is quite a big place) with the Good Fairy (Karen Chéryl) - who also looks rather like Simon's teacher at school, must be a coincidence. Once in Africa, Santa and the Fairy discover Simon's parents are being held hostage by some rebels. To get them freed, Santa needs the help of some children with guns (yes this is a strange Christmas movie!) Meanwhile, in Lapland Simon and Elodie have wandered off and are about to be eaten by an Evil Ogre (Dominique Hulin)!

Although a bit odd at times, this is a lovely Christmas movie which doesn't overdo the saccharine. Karen Chéryl also provides a number of musical numbers in her various guises. 

He Walked by Night (1948)

A superb crime drama, showing the real life of a detective (i.e. much of the time it's pretty boring paperwork!) After a policeman is shot by Roy Martin (Richard Basehart), Captain Breen (Roy Roberts) and Sergeants Marty Brennan (Scott Brady) and Chuck Jones (James Cardwell) are put on the case. However, Martin has no record, leaves no traces, and knows police procedures. Finding him proves to be impossible, even after a sting to try and capture him when he goes to pick up his loot fails. Marty wonders if Martin is a cop and a long trawl through personnel records begins...

The film is shot in semi-documentary format with a voice over and more detail given to police procedures than was common in crime films at the time. This includes the early use of a photo-fit and forensic examination of cartridge cases. It isn't all CSI 1948 though, there is plenty of action including a final chase and shoot out in the LA storm drains.

The criminal Martin is also different to the usual wise guys and hardened criminals shewn in crime films of the time, Martin is a loner and a bit of a sociopath. His cool and calculated method makes finding him all the harder. A tense and atmospheric film.

The Most Dangerous Game (1932)

(Unintentionally) hilarious big game hunter nonsense... where the game is man (and woman).

Bob (Joel McCrea) is on a yacht which hits the rocks by a mysterious island, he is the only survivor and discovers a fort on the island owned by a Russian count (with a Scottish accent) Zaroff (Leslie Banks). The count introduces Bob to two other survivors from an earlier shipwreck Martin (Robert Armstrong) and Eve (Fay Wray). Zaroff then goes on at length about his obsession with hunting...

Eve though tells Bob she suspects foul play on the island, fears confirmed when Martin is soon found dead. Zaroff is indeed a hunter but he hunts humans. He sets Bob and Eve off into the wild and prepares to hunt them in a game of death...

Although the film does verge dangerously close to complete tosh, this is at times an exciting film with a decent bit of jungle action, especially some of the later chase scenes as the camera passes through the jungle. The characters are all rather two-dimensional though, apart from Zaroff who is hilariously over the top. Fast moving and efficient, a flawed but enjoyable film.

Neutron vs. the Death Robots (1962)

An example of the rather strange genre of the luchador movie. Where masked Mexican wrestlers appear in movies as super heroes and villains, and do a decent job of it too.

Neutron (Wolf Ruvinskis) is a crime fighting super hero who recently defeated the similarly masked but evil Dr Caronte (Julio Aleman). Caronte, however was not killed and has returned with a new plot to revive the brains of three dead scientists. With the help of their knowledge, the help of the alive scientist Professor Thomas (Jack Taylor) and his army of robot mutants, Caronte plans to build the ultimate bomb. Oh he also had a midget assistant called Nick.

In between various musical interludes starring Nora (Rosita Arenas), Dr Caronte sends his army to gather the chemicals he requires to build his bomb. Then the bomb goes missing at the airport...

A very odd film indeed. The final fight between Neutron and Dr Caronte is very good (and goes on for a long time) but much of the rest of the film is rather slow and disjointed and doesn't make a lot of sense.

The Blood on Satan's Claw (1971)

A quality early 1970s horror. In the 17th century farmer Ralph (Barry Andrews) is minding his own business when his plough unearths a fiendish creature's remains. Thus begins a dark tale of Satanic possession and witchcraft. Young local girl Angel (Linda Hayden) becomes the servant of the Dark One and lures other youngsters into her coven, giving them the (hairy) demonic skin and in some cases leading them to their doom...

The Judge (Patrick Wymark) is at first sceptical but soon he learns of the real dark power of Satan and only he can save the village from destruction...

A dark, sordid and sexy tale of evil (well you certainly see plenty of young female flesh). Although the story isn't highly original (early 70s British horror was full of Satanic witchcraft) this is a very well made example of the genre with excellent performances. The only real criticism is that the final showdown is rather underwhelming but that doesn't stop the film being one of the best British horror films of the period.

Santa Claus (1898)

Possibly the earliest appearance of Santa Claus in a film, he is noticeably not quite as rotund as later on (all those mince pies obviously). A short simple film made by George Albert Smith showing Santa Claus visiting a couple of children at Christmas (sound asleep of course), but with some interesting camera effects especially for the day. A simple and lovely way to show the magic of Christmas.

Creature from the Haunted Sea (1961)

A horror spy comedy which combines several genres to produce something truly awful. After the Communists have taken over Cuba, the regime are fleeing with the state gold reserves. They hire a criminal in Renzo (Antony Carbone) to get the loot overseas, but he wants the money for himself and concocts a bizarre plot to start killing off the Cuban guards with an invented sea monster... unfortunately there is a real sea monster who is also bumping them off.

All this is being observed by secret agent XK150 (Robert Towne) who is part of the crew, though is pretty clueless. Renzo schemes to get the boat caught on the rocks so he can get the loot. However, he didn't plan on there being a real monster...

This is pretty strange stuff, an obvious parody but the problem is that it just isn't very funny. The best humour is provided by sardonic moll Mary-Bell (Betsy Jones-Moreland), plus also the sheer ridiculousness of the monster. There is also a gang member who brays like a animal instead of speaking. Very weird.

Red Dawn (1984)

Drivel but highly entertaining drivel all the same. It is 1984 and the Soviet Union is on the march, NATO having collapsed due to European liberal weenies (this is a pretty right-wing film to be honest). As a teacher bores his history class he notices paratroopers landing in the playing grounds. He goes out to see who they are and is gunned down. America has been invaded by the Cubans!

A group of kids led by Jed (Patrick Swayze) and Matt (Charlie Sheen) flee into the woods with a pick-up truck full of guns and cans of Coke. With the men in the town rounded up and Soviet tank regiments rolling into the Mid-West, there is only one thing these kids can be: the resistance. They take the name of their school football team, the Wolverines and begin a fight back!

They also make partizan warfare look rather easy as a bunch of untrained teens mow down highly-trained Russian and Cuban troops time and time again. After brutal reprisals don't stop the Wolverines, the Soviet commanders led by Bella (Ron O'Neal) and Bratchenko (Vladek Sheybal) resort to more subtle methods...

Complete nonsense and fairly brain dead fun. The battle scenes are well-done in that very Hollywood-esque way that the "bad guys" can't shoot straight while the heroes never miss. If you brush aside the ridiculous premise and often overt propaganda-ish feel then it is perfectly enjoyable.

Zoltan... Hound of Dracula (1977)

We've had plenty of films about Dracula, and Dracula's brides... but here is a film about his... dog? 

When a Transylvanian vault is disturbed, a demonic black dog and his owner are bought back to life. These were the servants of Count Dracula. Now Veidt (Reggie Nalder) and Zoltan the dog seek the last descent of their master to serve him. Veidt finds out the last Count Dracula is known as Michael Drake (Michael Pataki) and is in the US.

Veidt and Zoltan head across on a boat. Also heading to the US is vampire expert Inspector Branco (José Ferrer) who also wants to find Drake. As for Drake, he is on holiday in the woods with his family. Strange films begin to happen as the family dogs are drawn away by Veidt and Zoltan and the attempts begin to bite Drake so he can become their master. Branco arrives in time to help Drake against Veidt and Zoltan (who to be honest are  rather inept...)

A strange vampire film, often quite ridiculous and low-budget cheesy. Some of the dog attack scenes do have some genuine horror but this is soon replaced by (unintentional) hilarity. A film that is a lot of fun though lacking in too much in the way of chills. The dogs who play Zoltan and the other demonic hounds are very well done.

Charlie Chan at the Circus (1936)

Charlie Chan (Warner Oland) and his huge family take centre stage for a change as they all visit a circus while on holiday and Chan gets approached by the circus co-owner Kinney (Paul Stanton) who has been receiving threatening letters. Before Chan can do anything though Kinney is found murdered, suspicion immediately falls on an escaped gorilla. However, Kinney had many enemies and the police (Wade Boteler) suspects everyone including the trapeze artist (Maxine Reiner) and two midgets (George Brasno and Olive Brasno), Can Chan and Number One Son (Keye Luke) find the real culprit?

The crime is a complicated one, which would appear to require circus skills to carry out. Chan devises a complicated scheme to draw the real murderer out into the open and there is a genuine surprise when it is completed. Number One Son genuinely proves his worth (even saving his father's life) for a change and not just provides the comic relief. Not quite the best Charlie Chan film but certainly a very good entry in the series.

Restless Natives (1985)

A joyous and very Scottish romp. Will (Vincent Friell) and Ronnie (Joe Mullaney) are a couple of lads in boring, dead end jobs. They decide to get some excitement and cash in the best way possible: putting on masks and holding up tourist buses in the Highlands! They quickly become folk heroes and even a bit of a tourist attraction. The police (Robert Urquhart) remain clueless, even when the CIA in the form of Bender (Ned Beatty) get involved.

However, things start to get complicated when Will falls in love with the tour guide (Teri Lally) of one of the held-up buses. Ronnie meanwhile starts to get ideas above his station and falls in with a bunch of real criminals...

A great comedy drama with a superb Big Country soundtrack. The nostalgic view of mid-1980s Edinburgh is also a delight.

Monstrosity (1963)

An utterly awful and rather repellant film. A rich and bitter old woman, Mrs March (Marjorie Eaton) is funding the deranged medical experiments of Dr Frank (Frank Gerstile), who is transplanting brains using atomic energy (back in the 50s and 60s atomic radiation was seemingly capable of everything). March wants her brain transplanted into the body of a young woman. She has three maids imported and chooses Bea (Judy Bamber) for her new body even though she has the worst British accent ever.

Things do not run smoothly though, one of Dr Frank's earlier experiments where he put a dog's brain in a man's body menaces the grounds. Dr Frank puts a cat's brain in one of the other maid's Maria (Lisa Lang) body, Cat Maria proceeds to attack and mutilate Bea. The last maid, Nina (Erika Peters), is the new chosen one. When the transfer operation takes place there is a rather surprising twist...

A terrible film, shoddy and awkward and shamelessly exploitative. The best acting on show is probably by Maria when she becomes a cat. Worth experiencing once for the sheer inanity. A very aptly named film.

Super Mario Bros. (1993)

Aha another video game movie... which has little relation to the actual game. Evolved dinosaurs led by the maniacal King Koopa (Dennis Hopper) exist in a parallel dimension. Koopa wants to merge the dimension with our own so he can conquer our world with his (to be honest pretty cool) dinosaur tech. However, Daisy (Samantha Mathis) holds the key in the form of a crystal. Can Koopa get his hands on Daisy and the crystal. Bumbling plumbing brothers Mario (Bob Hoskins) and Luigi (John Leguizamo) are there to stop him... eventually.

A silly film though the world building is pretty well done, a world of trolley wire powered police cars, rocket boots and guns that can de-evolve creatures. 

It is terrible, though has it's moments and can entertain. The film has plenty of comedy packed into it though much of the comedy does backfire. The film goes on a little too long and the plot meanders too much. The characters ham it up like a pantomine, though it makes less sense.

Terror (1978)

A baffling but highly enjoyable low-budget horror romp. Many years ago a witch is burned and curses the Lord Garrick who ordered her death, with some immediate effects... 

However, this is just a horror film made by director James Garrick (James Nolan) about his ancestors and he has held a private showing to the cast and crew including his cousin Ann (Carolyn Courage).

Things soon going strange, Ann is hypnotised and tries to kill James with a sword! After she runs off, her friend Carol (Gynis Barber) heads off looking for her and is menaced by an unseen threat and then stabbed to death. Ann returns to her shared home with other girls, more deaths follow her including a pervert punter at the club she works at, he winds up impaled on railings! Deaths also start to mount up at James' studio. Really does seem being around the Garrick family is rather unhealthy...

A great horror film, the story is a bit light and is mostly a framework upon which a number of horror scenes are hung. The horror is full of suspense, violent, gruesome and frequently erotic. It is full of weirdness too, its trashy for sure and brilliant.

An Old Man's Love Story (1913)

An unusual love story. Ethel (Norma Talmadge) is in love with Cyril (Frank O'Neil), who has prospects though as yet not much else. Unfortunately for Ethel, her parents are poor despite all appearances and want to marry her off to a rich man. When their friend and retired businessman James (Van Dyke Brooke) turns up they want Ethel to marry him and send Cyril off...

When James discovers who Ethel's feelings are truly for he comes up with an ingenious (though somewhat implausible) plan for Ethel to marry money and Cyril...

A short film that packs a lot of story in though. The film has fairly natural acting though technically is still rather static. The film looks like it will go off in one direction though will surprise you with it's enjoyable twist. 

Inseminoid (1981)

An amazing science-fiction horror. On a remote planet an archaeological team investigates the remains of a long-dead alien civilisation. Mysterious things start happening, maybe the civilisation isn't quite dead after all, especially when the deaths begin. Sandy (Judy Geeson) is also attacked but survives her attack... but is now pregnant with alien spawn after it appears like she was penetrated by a green alien phallus...

Sandy, now under the control of the aliens, begins a violent series of attacks against the other crew including Mark (Robin Clark) and Kate (Stephanie Beacham). Can the crew stop Sandy, who is also now blessed with superhuman strength as well as homicidal aggression and a taste for human flesh?

Low budget maybe, and at times the acting is as creaky as the scenery, but this is a thrilling film full of gore and alien horror. The idea of the film isn't that original but this has a few interesting twists.

The Ape (1940)

Slightly sinister but mostly ridiculous monkey business. The idea of this film (mad scientist dresses as ape to kill men to enable his forbidden human experiments) sounds terrific though in reality it is all a little too cosy to truly work.

Dr Adrian (Boris Karloff) is an unpopular MD in a small town who is well-meaning but obsessed with helping Francis (Maris Wrixon) who is crippled after polio. The doctor devises a possible cure using spinal fluid but he runs out of fluid. Meanwhile, an ape has escaped from the circus. The ape attacks the doctor but he manages to kill it.

Doctor Adrian begins to use the skin of the ape to kill bad men and drain their spinal fluid so he can continue his treatments. Another Doctor (Selmer Jackson) becomes suspicious of Adrian and his methods...

This is a strange film, the ape is so obviously a man in an unconvincing suit (in fact it was Ray "Crash" Corrigan) and there is little actual menace because of that. A fun enough film all the same.

Morocco (1930)

This early talkie is notable for being Marlene Dietrich's Hollywood debut, though the film itself is a bit slow and light on plot though certainly worth watching. We are in Colonial Morocco during the Rif War, in Mogador the French Foreign Legion has returned from the fight, in their ranks is Private Brown (Gary Cooper). Also just arriving in Mogador is the nightclub singer Amy (Dietrich) who takes a singing job in a club.

Brown and Amy spark a friendship though he rejects the chance to have a relationship with her. However, Brown's past womanising and the fact rich La Bessiere (Adolph Menjou) is pursuing Amy makes their love rather difficult... especially when Brown has to return to the war.

Visually the film looks great, especially Dietrich's iconic nightclub performances in her top hat and tails, though is light on dialogue and a bit cliched. A film to savour for what it is but a film that is quite flawed.