Lola (1970)

A film that could never be made these days. Twinky (Susan George) is an (almost) 16 year old girl (though acts like she is about 12) who loves the trashy romantic novels of Scott Wardman (Charles Bronson). However, her real secret is that she is in a relationship with the author, a much older man. A relationship that usually involves burning his breakfast and lots of sex.

Twinky's family are naturally not that pleased when they find out but Scott and Twinky get married in Scotland and then move to the U.S., where their relationship is put under strain. Twinky's immature behaviour is no doubt quite tiresome to Scott though the fact she wears miniskirts exclusively probably makes up for it and he undoubtedly loves her. Eventually they begin to drift apart as the age gap does finally tell.

A rather strange film and not that brilliant if we are to be honest though light enough to avoid being too offensive. Bronson spends much of the film on autopilot and you can't wait for Twinky to be old enough to start secondary school. 

The film does have an impressive array of British actors in it including Trevor Howard and Honor Blackman though they are mostly wasted with this material. The film is silly and inconsequential and doesn't really go anywhere but worth watching to see Bronson in a very different role than we are used to seeing him usually.

The Last Shark (1981)

A pretty shameless Jaws rip-off. The annual wind-surfing regatta is due, which the Mayor (Joshua Sinclair) is planning to use for his re-election campaign. But... a huge angry Great White Shark is also moving in on the area. The rather unusual pairing of horror writer Peter Benton (James Franciscus) and grizzled sea dog Ron Hamer (Vic Morrow) try to get the regatta called off but the Mayor has put a whole year has work has gone into it apparently (must have a small staff). The regatta goes ahead... and the shark gatecrashes.

The hunt is therefore on for the shark. Unfortunately for the seaside town the various attempts by Peter and Ron, a bunch of kids and the Mayor in a helicopter end in failure/death basically because they seem to involve dangling lumps of meat in the water and then not knowing what to do next...

It is nonsense and rather silly. The shark easily outwits the dumb humans. The special effects arn't too bad though cheaper than... the other shark movie. It isn't that bad a movie, just a bit unoriginal. The way Peter finally finds to defeat the shark is quite inventive though...

What Have They Done to Your Daughters? (1974)

A dark tale of teenage prostitution and ultra violence. When a young girl is found hanged, Assistant DA Stori (Giovanna Ralli) and Inspector Silvestri (Claudio Cassinelli) soon unravel a trail of prostitution and murder involving school girls and rich important men.

A man in black leather is riding around on a motorbike and silencing any witnesses, and the police themselves, with various sharp objects...

This is a brutal film, the killings and sexual details are not subtle by any means. Amid the mayhem though this is a very solid crime film and includes a lot of suspense and action, including an excellent motorcycle police chase.

Machine Gun McCain (1969)

A stylish and brutally bleak gangster film. McCain (John Cassavetes) is released on parole and is immediately involved in a new plan to rob a casino in Vegas by his son (whom he barely knows). The plan is actually the brainchild of Adamo (Peter Falk) who runs the Mafia on the West coast but wants to muscle in on Vegas and the East coast's territory...

Although Adamo is scared off by the mob, McCain - who by now has hooked up with young lovely Irene (Britt Ekland) - is going to go through with the job. An ingenious heist occurs involving plenty of home made bombs and a fake firefighter uniform. McCain ends up with two million dollars, but his plan to get away with it could do with some work, especially as the mob are now on his ass...

An excellent gangster crime drama with some great performances especially Peter Falk's. Amid the glamour and style of late 1960s San Francisco (which the Ennio Morricone soundtrack really sets off) is a crushing inevitability and doom about the proceedings as the bodies pile up. You may rip off a casino but ripping off the mob is the highest stakes of all. 

The New York Ripper (1982)

A grossly over the top slash gore murder horror. A serial killer is killing young women in New York, and not just killing them but mutilating and cutting them to pieces, he also speaks with a "comedy" duck voice. He uses this to taunt grizzle NY detective Williams (Jack Hedley) who is on the case, with the help of psychologist Dr Davis (Paolo Malco).

Fay Majors (Almanta Suska) is the victim who manages to survive, suspicion then falls on a strange man she encountered on the subway (Howard Ross). But there are no shortage of strange people in this depraved film to be honest...

The film is incredibly sleazy and isn't a little misogynist. There is a lot of violence including a rather brutal eye ball slicing scene, and quite a lot of sex too. Mostly though, this film is a bit too weird to take seriously and enjoy. It is quite a spectacle though.

Escape from the Bronx (1983)

This isn't a subtle film, it isn't a film with a great deal of plot either. It is a film full of machine guns, flamethrowers and explosions. A sequel to Bronx Warriors which introduced Trash (Mark Gregory) and his world of gangs in the decaying Bronx, several years later the Bronx is due for demolition to be replaced by a swanky new build by a huge corporation which has the politicians in it's pocket. Wrangler (Henry Silva) has been tasked with civilian clearance with his army of helmeted exterminators...

Trash is a big thorn in the redevelopment plans, Wrangler and his men are out to get him. Trash has plans of his own though, with the help of Strike (Giancarlo Prete) he plans to kidnap the president of the corporation (Ennio Girolami)...

Endless gunfights and slaughter follow. The film makers were very keen on slow motion shots of people being thrown through the air by an explosion, you'll get a lot of those in this film. It is superb mindless violent fun, if you like that sort of thing of course! It doesn't make a great deal of sense naturally.

Son of Hercules in the Land of Darkness (1964)

Sword and sandal nonsense as the son of Hercules, Argolese (Dan Vadis) saves beautiful princess Telca (Spela Rozin) from a lion and then goes on a quest to kill a rather ropey dragon in order to win Telca's hand from her father King Tedaeo (Ugo Sasso) - the King is hard to please obviously.

Argolese completes this task but when he gets back to the village he finds everything has been burned to the ground and everyone now prisoners of the evil Demulus - except the rather annoying Babar (Jon Simons) who becomes Argolese's companion / comic relief.

Argolese goes to the secret mountain lair of the Demulus, ending up captured himself after various violent antics in endless similar looking dungeons. He defeats elephants in an epic test and saves the life of the Demulus Queen Ella (Carla Calo). Argolese joins the Demulus (though Telca and the others remain slaves). Then the evil Melissa (Marie Flore) slays Ella to take over as Queen for herself...

So it is a lot of campy fun, if not very coherent. Argolese is suitably buff and has ample opportunities to show his strength throwing rocks and hauling chains. Melissa plays a good role, gorgeous and evil.

Superargo and the Faceless Giants (1968)

A rather strange Italian-Spanish superhero film. Top sports stars, including pro wrestlers, are being kidnapped by faceless (well kinda) robots and then bundled into the back of a Ford Transit van. The police can only call upon one man to fight this new menace... an ex-wrestler and now superhero who wears a red rubber suit and can float in mid-air (of course).

Superargo (Giovanni Clanfriglia) is that man, and is soon fighting the robots in various awkwardly choreographed fight scenes. He finds out that the mysterious Professor Wond (Guy Madison) is behind this menace. Superargo, along with his mentor Kamir (Aldo Sambrell), manages to get the help of Wond's assistant Gloria (Diana Loris) and infiltrates Wond's sub-Bond villain cavern lair...

It is all very silly of course, the light nonsensical plot merely a flimsy skeleton for a series of action scenes of varying quality. Very much a rip-off of 60s style superhero antics, even the music is vaguely Batman-esque. It is all a lot of fun.

Missile X: Tehran Incident (1979)

Unintentionally hilarious sub-Bond nonsense. A peace summit is due to be held in the Persian Gulf but the Baron (Curt Jurgens) seeks to attack it using a stolen Russian nuclear missile (which so obviously looks like it has been made out of cardboard). CIA agent Franklin (Peter Graves) is sent to Iran where he meets up with his Soviet counterpart Senyonov (Michael Dante) to find out whats going on.

Quite what their plan is remains a mystery as they seem to aimlessly move from one fight to the other, including a formless brawl in a casino. Luckily for our heroes the Baron's men are low-rent thugs including a man with a metal arm that can project spikes. They all share a lack of ability to fight and shoot straight in scene after scene. 

Franklin meanwhile sleeps with women young enough to be his daughter (at least). As the film progresses you get the impression he might be a little too old to be throwing himself around an Iranian backyard. It probably would have been a decent role for Graves about fifteen years earlier into his career.

It is a fun (if approached in the right manner) if nonsensical film. The film does have a great funk soundtrack, though most of the time it rather jars with the action, sometimes drowning out the dialogue too. This adds to the "joy" of the film of course. The view of Iran just before the revolution is also fascinating and revealing.

Ten Little Indians (1974)

A lush Agatha Christie adaptation. A group of strangers are mysteriously assembled to a remote hotel in the Iranian desert by U.N. Owen (Orson Welles), the strangers who include Charles Aznavour (who of course gives us a song), Richard Attenborough, Herbert Lom, Adolfo Celi and Oliver Reed - all discover they have been bought together under false pretenses by U.N. Owen (or Unknown).

Then a tape is played where Owen's voice rings out, he tells them all they have gotten away with murder. Then the guests begin dying one by one. Who is the murderer? Is it one of the guests? Will any of them survive?

Although not the best version of this story, a bit slow at times, the sheer amount of star power and the surroundings especially the Persian architecture makes this film highly watchable and enjoyable. It is dark and suspenseful as such a situation should be.

A Man About the House (1947)

Two stiff upper lip single Englishwomen Agnes (Margaret Johnston) and Ellen (Dulcie Grey) own a school in rainy London but are pretty hard-up. Then they unexpectedly inherit an Italian villa near Naples from their uncle. They go out to Italy with the expectation to quickly sell the villa but are quickly seduced (in more ways than one) by Naples and the hunky Salvatore (Kieron Moore) who likes to go about shirtless as much as possible...

However Salvatore was originally promised the villa by his ex-master. Others note that he seems to be taking the loss of his inheritance pretty well. Or does he have a secret plan? When Agnes, who by now is smitten to Salvatore, falls ill is there a darker reason why?

The contrast between the repressed English and the happy Italians is amusingly large, especially as both sides are pretty heavily sterotyped in their own way. An enjoyable film though not without it's flaws.

Ghosthouse (1988)

A strange horror film, poorly done at times but quite inventive. Years ago a young girl (Kristen Fougerousse) who likes killing cats quickly progresses to killing her parents with the help of an evil doll. We fast forward to the present and radio ham Paul Rogers (Greg Rhodes) hears strange music and screams over the radio waves. Naturally he decides to track down the source of the signal with his girlfriend Martha (Lara Wendel) to an empty old house in the countryside...

There they find another bunch of young people, the guy Mark (Ron Houck) is also a radio ham and it is his and his girlfriend's Susan (Mary Sellers) voices Paul heard... though they haven't made these noises.... well yet. The attacks soon come though as do the reappearances of the young girl. The attacks involve various grisly attacks involving exploding jars, killer fan blades and even a guillotine which literally cuts a teen girl in half! Meanwhile weird caretaker Valkos (Donald O'Brien) is wandering around menacing them...

The film is terrifying... as in terrifyingly badly made with the film often cutting randomly mid-scene and the usual indifferent-to-bad acting. However the horror is inventive and frequently gruesome. It is also unintentionally hilarious, especially Martha who spends most of the film in a bad mood.

Ator: the Fighting Eagle (1982)

For every Conan there were dozens are cheap rip-offs and here we have Ator, an Italian example and not bad at all if you take it for the nonsense it is. The Spider God rules cruelly over the land but prophecy says that the son of a hero called Ator will defeat the Spider God and his chief priest Dakkar. When that son is born the mysterious Griba (Edward Purdom) spirits him away before Dakkar's soldiers, who wear a lot of horns and unconvincing armour, can kill him.

Ator (Miles O'Keeffe) is given to a couple of peasants who raise him as their own son alongside their actual daughter Sunya (Ritza Brown). Ator, who somehow seems to have found a magic hairspray tree, falls in love with Sunya and wants to marry her despite thinking she is his sister (actually he doesn't think there is anything wrong with this). Luckily his parents reveal that they arn't brother and sister after all so incest outrage averted. Unfortunately Dakkar's troops kidnap Sunya (for some unexplained reason) on the wedding day...

Ator finds Griba who tells him his destiny to kill the Spider God. He meets up with a beautiful thief (in skimpy armour) Roon (Sabrina Siani) and they begin a quest across the land to finally achieve their destinies (in Roon's case to loot the Spider God's treasure)...

Despite the rather odd incest note and some ridiculous costumes the film holds together as a decent - if cheap - sword and sorcery film. Naturally the Spider God when he is finally revealed is ridiculous but you would be disappointed if he looked anything other than a cheap rubber prop lets face it.

A cute little bear cub is shown throughout the film, as it probably does the best acting in the film it holds the film together.

O.K. Connery (1967)

Don't mention 007 but this is an Italian spoof that flies very close to copyright violation. As James Bond is busy saving the world elsewhere his brother is recruited to stop an evil crime syndicate from seizing all of the world's gold. The brother is played by Neil Connery... yes the real brother of Sean!

It also stars Bond stars Bernard Lee and Lois Maxwell in roles incredibly similar to their roles in 007... Another Bond star Adolfo Celi is the bad guy. There are a few other Bond actors too.

So a very thinly veiled spoof and complete nonsense. It includes Bond-esque action set pieces, Bond-like music, Bond-like gadgets, plenty of 60s Bond-esque girls and glamour too.

Unfortunately it rips off Bond so much there isn't much space for a plot which is basic and largely something to hang a series of Bond-esque set pieces on. It does involve a mad plot to take over the world with secret rays (of course). Quite frankly it is a bizarre film and terrible in so many ways but so strange it is genuinely compelling and undeniably entertaining.

Concorde Affair (1979)

Clearly a cheap rip-off of Airport 79: The Concorde, again a shadowy elite want to stop the Concorde being a success. Obviously in real life they succeeded...

After a Concorde crashes in mysterious circumstances in the Caribbean hot shot reporter Moses Brody (James Franciscus) is called in by his wife (Fianna Maglione) who lives in the area. By the time he gets there though she is dead and he almost joins her but for an intervention by her friend George (Francisco Charles). As they begin to investigate the strange goings on they discover the crashed Concorde on the sea bed... and a flight attendant survivor (Mimsy Farmer) who is a prisoner of some desperate looking men...

Well it is all rather low budget, Concorde in the film is a mixture of stock footage and rather laughable models. However it isn't a bad film, it is a reasonable action film that would probably have been better if it hadn't been such a blatant cash-in.

Terror in the Crypt (1964)

An atmospheric Gothic horror film about a cursed family. The film, an Italian/Spanish co-production is also known as La Cripta e I'incubo.

Christopher Lee is a count whose daughter Laura (Adriana Ambesi) is having visions of strange deaths in the family. An investigator in the historical occult is bought in to research a legend. We learn that in the distant past the count's ancestor had a witch put to death and a curse was laid on the family... which now seems to be coming true.

So it has all the ingredients of a fine horror film: a creepy castle, men in pointy hoods, black magic et cetera. While it is an enjoyable film there are issues. The acting is often a bit indifferent (though the dubbing doesn't really help), the story is also rather unoriginal and sometimes a bit confusing.

Well never mind that, the atmosphere in this film is wonderful. It is also has it's fair share of Euro beauties with heaving bosoms.

Encounters in the Deep (1979)

The Bermuda Triangle where boats and people disappear without trace? Well that includes Miles' (Gabriele Ferzetti) daughter on a holiday. He funds Peters (Manuel Zarzo) and Scott (Andres Garcia) to mount an expedition to find just what is going on. Peters thinks it is extraterrestrials...

It sounds promising, unfortunately this Italian-Spanish co-production does not really go anywhere apart from aimlessly travelling around the sea and seeing underwater lights.

There is something strange going on but the motley crew on the boat seem pretty ill-equipped to handle it. A crew man is possessed and many strange things happen including a whole freighter vanishing, however only the ship's dog (who also seems the only one who can act in this film) seems to know what is going on. It is total nonsense of course, and lacks much in the way of coherence or suspense. The special effects are also laughable. I quite enjoyed it.

Kong Island (1968)

Low budget monkey business in a film that is not about King Kong, or set on an island. It stars Brad Harris as a mercenary who is enlisted to help a girl (Ursula Davis) on a big game hunt in a forbidden jungle who has been kidnapped by gorillas.

These arn't normal gorillas though (as that obviously wouldn't be bad enough), these are cyborg gorillas. The slaves of a mad scientist bent on world domination, or at least kidnapping a young girl for nookie.

Naturally the film is unintentionally hilarious and makes little sense. It makes even less sense when we come across Eva (Esmeralda Barros) who has apparently been raised by monkeys and is regarded as some kind of loincloth clad god. It is not altogether clear why they needed to add a jungle girl to an already confusing film about revenge, mercenaries, kidnaps, mad scientists and gorillas... maybe they thought they just needed some more near naked female flesh.

Rulers of the City (1976)

Rulers Of The City (also known as Mr Scarface) is a basic and violent gangster film. It stars Harry Baer as Tony, a happy-go-lucky young hoodlum very good with his fists... and the ladies. He runs with a mid-level gang but tangles with the big boys led by Scarface (Jack Palance), ripping him off. Naturally Scarface isn't one to laugh off being done over. Tony finds himself targeted by Palance's gang and betrayed by his former boss...

The film is rather predictable and low-rent. Don't expect much depth or shades or grey. Tony is a good likeable character but is a little too cocky and foolhardy to take serious (and yet is some kind of ultimate warrior). The film is very violent but has a light tone despite all the regular killings and beatings which might jar at times but at others it seems oddly just right.

The final showdown is a bit silly and much of the action pointless. The film is entertaining though. The pace is high throughout.

Milano Calibro 9 (1972)

A brutal tale of organised crime hoodlums in Milan, it's also a masterpiece in early 1970s interior design and style.

It stars Gastone Moschin as a hood released from prison who is suspected by his boss of stealing $300,000. Obviously such a situation is not good for someone's life expectancy or health.

This is a dark violent tale where everyone seems to be double crossing everyone else. Even the police are at each other's throats though the Commissioner played by Frank Wolff ends up vindicated in the end. The film keeps you guessing as to who has played the biggest double cross and is very well done indeed.

Glamour is provided by Barbara Bouchet but the real beauty is in the interior furnishings. This film could easily be filed under Interior Design Porn.