The Incredible Melting Man (1977)

Low budget, average thrills, high unintentional humour in this sci-fi horror nonsense.

Steve (Alex Rebar) is the only survivor of a mission into deep space. However, he may have survived but he has been horribly deformed... literally melting flesh. He is also driven crazy with a taste for human flesh, after eating a nurse he escapes the hospital. Dr Nelson (Burr DeBrenning) is tasked him tracking down Steve (who apparently is radioactive as well as melting) before the secret of Steve's fate reaches the public... and before he wiped out too many people. Dr Nelson is under pressure from General Perry (Myron Healey) who seems to like eating his breakfast in a power station control room.

This is a ridiculous film with many strange scenes including one where Nelson speaks to a colleague while travelling on a large flat bed trolley, the engine sound almost drowning out the dialogue! The attack scenes by Steve are very silly but it can be scary at times as well. The title is the best bit of the film though.

Timelock (1995)

A terribly poorly made low-budget science fiction film that somehow is brilliant.

We are in the future and prisoners serve their time on brutal prison asteroids. Riley (Arye Gross) is on a prison transport to serve his time but his fellow cons including Villum (Jeffrey Meek) have dark plans to take over the prison and release the hyper dangerous McMasters (Jeff Speakman). Riley has to team up with the transport pilot Teegs (Maryam d'Abo) in a desperate battle for survival.

This is complete nonsense and has the budget of a cheese sandwich. The lack of budget is hidden in that time honoured way by making sets as dark as possible. So, this film should be awful but because the performances of the leads range between highly charismatic and downright camp the film is very watchable and the sheer craziness of some of the events is quite compelling viewing. 

It really shouldn't work but somehow..

God Told Me To (1976)

Somewhat confusing maybe, and switches between more genres than you can count, but somehow its brilliant.

A number of horrific random crimes are being committed in NY, the perpetrators all saying that "God" told them to commit the crimes before they usually die themselves. Detective Nicholas (Tony Lo Blanco) thinks there is something more than meets the eye to this and begins to track down the mysterious Bernard Philips (Richard Lynch) who has been seen speaking to the perpetrators and indeed may even be directing matters.

Nicholas' investigation goes into really strange territory when it includes alien impregnation! Nicholas also begins to discover some shocking details about his own life too...

So, the film starts off like it is going to be a gritty 1970s crime story, then becomes a horror with elements of the supernatural, then sci-fi. Then the film switches back to crime with a blaxploitation-esque sub-plot about a pimp (George Patterson) who kills a cop on the take. 

Oh, there is also a sub-plot about Nicholas and the two ladies (Deborah Raffin and Sandy Dennis) in his love triangle! The story is confusing, but fast moving and multi-layered. Its great!

The Handmaid's Tale (1990)

A dark dystrophia, that in the thirty odd years since release doesn't seem quite so far fetched any more.

We are in the near future and it's dark times. America has fallen, replaced by the religious fundamentalist Gilead (though a civil war seems to be raging so not everywhere is under Gilead's control it seems). Pollution has wiped out much of human fertility, those women who can still give birth are now a valuable commodity, not that they see any of that value themselves of course. Women like Kate (Natasha Richardson) are trained to become obedient "handmaids", basically given to rich families to bear their children for them. 

Kate is given to the Commander (Robert Duvall) and his wife Serena (Faye Dunaway). Rough unpleasant sex with religious ceremonial overtones follows. Kate also strikes up a friendship with the Commander's driver Nick (Aiden Quinn). There is more to Nick than it at first seems, indeed more to Gilead's supposedly strict religious society than it at first seems too...

The world of Gilead is monstrous, especially because of so much that goes unexplained as much as what we see. Hypocrisy and violence is of course at the centre of the society which is well portrayed here. An excellent film.

Fallout (1999)

What a great idea for a film, though the execution leaves a lot to be desired.

We are in the future (well for this film anyway, 2015 is the past now). Russia have invaded a former Soviet country (oh that sounds familiar). However, despite being from the country being invaded Federov (Frank Zagarino) is still going to command a space shuttle mission on the behalf of the Russians to the international space station (or a more advanced version which conveniently has artificial gravity). Also going on the mission is Amanda (Teri Ann Lynn) who is going to fix the space station's computer.

However, on the station things soon go wrong. Federov seizes control of the station and also a Russian nuclear attack satellite constellation. He tells Russia that they must withdraw from his homeland or he will start firing these nuclear satellites at US cities! The US responds by sending maverick pilot Hendricks (Daniel Baldwin) aboard an experimental new space ship, which has yet to make a successful flight...

The story is great though the budget and execution is unfortunately not up to the job. The acting is nearly as flimsy as some of the sets do, one of which makes Mission Control look like it's been relocated to a caravan. The action mostly consists of firing assault rifles on a space station. This does not seem the wisest thing to do to me...

Alien from L.A. (1988)

A cheesy 1980s sci-fi comedy, it is totally nonsense but looks amazing and is great fun.

Wanda (Kathy Ireland) is a nerd girl who never does anything exciting. She finds out her archaeologist father (Richard Haines) has gone missing in Africa and heads out to try and find him. She ends falling down a large hole her father once dug and ends up in a weird subterranean world. The inhabitants of this underground world look like extras from Mad Max but do speak English. Wanda travels with Gus (William R Moses) to the city where she soon finds herself hunted by the authorities who want to suppress knowledge of the world above...

This is a crazy film which doesn't make a lot of sense but it looks great. Aesthetically it is a mixture of Mad Max and the sort of future shock pop videos popular in the late 1980s. A feature length pop video therefore and well worth seeing.

Village of the Giants (1965)

Annoying teens eat a weird chemical created by an even more annoying pre-teen and become giant annoying teens.

A group of delinquents led by Fred (Beau Bridges) turn up in a small town. In that town Mike (Tommy Kirk) is trying to make out with his girlfriend (Charla Doherty) when little Genius (Ron Howard) invents a weird orange goo which turns animals into giants. 

Naturally its not long before Fred and his gang take the goo themselves and become giants who terrorise the town. Normal size teens and adults are at their mercy...

Now, it doesn't sound very promising, the special effects and acting are not up to much and most of the characters are hard to warm to. However, despite that the film is great fun, maybe because it is just so ridiculous.

In the Year 2889 (1969)

We are in the future, actually no we arn't. In fact this is a rather low budget slice of nonsense set firmly in 1969.

World War 3 has occurred, radiation is killing everyone but smug Captain John (Neil Fletcher) has a plan in his remote house protected from the fall out by geographical oddities. Unfortunately his remote house doesn't turn out to be that remote after all after a number of unwanted guests come to join him and his daughter (Charla Doherty). While some of the visitors including Steve (Paul Petersen) are benign, Micky (Hugh Feagin) is a wrong-un just waiting to cause trouble. There also appears to be a radiation mutated monster prowling in the gardens...

Low budget and low thrills, it also has a distinct lack of good acting (though Doherty isn't bad). The story is a bit slow and stilted and sometimes you wish for the radiation to put us all out of out misery. The title by the way has nothing to do with the film, but is taken from a Jules Verne short story. That probably is the most interesting thing about this disaster.

Firepower (1993)

Its the near future, street gangs have taken over parts of the city where the police are afraid to go.

However, police detectives Darren (Chad McQueen) and Nick (Gary Daniels) are operating undercover to investigate Drexal (Joseph Ruskin) who runs illegal drugs including counterfeit AIDS vaccines in the no-go zones and also runs death matches, his champion The Swordsman always wins. The Swordsman is Jim Hellwig aka The Ultimate Warrior in what is probably his only movie role!

So, this is pretty basic stuff. Violent and cheap, everything is rather dark despite all of the open fires. Nothing really makes a lot of sense but it doesn't really matter as there will probably be another killing in ten seconds. The Ultimate Warrior is probably the best part of the film even though he doesn't really say much. 

Death Race 2000 (1975)

One of the ultimate future shock road movies.

It is the year 2000 and America is run by a brutal regime pacifying the masses by the entertainment of the death race across America where bonus points are available for running people down! The regime's hero is Frankenstein (David Carradine) and ranged against him a strange crew of over the top characters including Italian pseudo-mafioso Machine Gun (Sylvester Stallone).

Meanwhile, a group of freedom fighters are aiming to bring the regime down and plan to crash the race to do it. Frankenstein himself though isn't quite what he seems...

Satirical, unusual and very violent. Death race certainly isn't lacking in kills (bonus points!) Its not lacking in good humour too. The racing perhaps is nonsense but the cars had a certain quirky feel about them. A really great film. 

The Lost Missile (1958)

New York is threatened by a mysterious missile from outer space, no amount of incorrect stock footage can stop it!

A missile of extraterrestrial origin is hit by a Soviet missile, now it is out of control and making it's way across Canada, scorching everything in it's path. New York is due to be hit in about half an hour, which gives the US plenty of time to evacuate the city. They wouldn't be that efficient these days, it's take them a few hours to choose the font for the evacuation notices.

Top nuclear scientist Dr Loring (Robert Loggia) and his assistant/lover Ellen (Joan Wood) are due to get married when the alert goes up. Instead they work on Loring's plan to fire an experimental nuclear missile at the incoming menace. This involves carrying deadly plutonium across the city to the launch site with only the most minimal of security...

So, this film doesn't make sense on many levels but it is a genuinely exciting, tense and fast moving film. It is somewhat marred by incorrect stock footage. This isn't exactly uncommon with films (of any era to be honest) but it does feel like the makers threw every scrap they could at this film to pad it out. Despite the flaws this is a great watch.

Robot Monster (1953)

A laughably bad 1950s science fiction film, though with a clever twist.

Johnny (Gregory Moffett), an annoying all-American boy, is sleeping off his picnic with his parents. He wakes up and reaches a cave, suddenly the world is torn upside down, dinosaurs fight in a valley, most of the human race is wiped out and... an alien gorilla in a space helmet is looking to complete the job!

What is going on? Why have we gone from a picnic to a post-apocalypse scene were just a handful of humans are left alive in just the blink of an eye? Apparently the survivors are protected from the evil cosmic ray weapon of Ro-Man (George Barrows/John Brown) by a serum developed by The Professor (John Mylong). Ro-Man, despite his space simian nature, puts his plans to complete the wipe out of humanity when he takes a fancy to Johnny's older sister Alice (Claudia Barrett)...

This is very low budget fare, for some reason Ro-Man has a bubble making machine. Nothing really makes sense, well when we do get the twist it kind of explain a lot of the nonsense we have just seen. Very strange stuff indeed.

Stranger from Venus (1954)

A fairly dreary though not uninteresting science-fiction film.

After flying saucers are spotted, a mysterious stranger (Helmut Dantine) appears in a small town. He speaks rather strangely, has no pulse and has the power to health illnesses and injuries including those of Susan (Patricia Neal) who is in a car crash. The stranger says he is from Venus and warns the Earthlings that their nuclear weapons threatens everyone in the solar system...

The film is very heavily based on The Day the Earth Stood Still (which also starred Patricia Neal!) The film has an interesting plot though plods along without much energy though it does have some other worldly menace. The location of the film is rather confusing, although British made it appears to be set somewhere else. Where that somewhere else is unknown, it's probably not Venus though!

Moon Zero Two (1969)

While mankind was reaching the Moon for real, this film explored what might be happening there in a few decades time: salvaging junk, drinking awful booze in Moon based saloon bars and having purple hair.

Kemp (James Olson) is a former hero astronaut (the first man on Mars) but is now relegated to flying a worn out old ferry and salvaging broken satellites. He is hired by mega rich JJ Hubbard (Warren Mitchell) for a secret and fairly illegal job: force an asteroid that is basically a giant sapphire to crash on the Moon so it can be much easily mined. Kemp, in need of cash, carries this out.

But meanwhile Clem (Catherine Shell) has arrived on the Moon and also need Kemp's help to find her missing Moon miner brother. As he helps her he finds himself drawn into JJ Hubbard's darker and much more deadly plan...

This really is a great film, great fun and action from start to finish. The limited special effects do not detract from the story (and indeed were not that bad for the day anyway). Surely a film that can bring you Bernard Bresslaw as a hired thug in a spacesuit can only be great?!

Robot Holocaust (1987)

The post-apocalypse has never been more dangerous... or boring.

It is the post-apocalypse on a planet called New Terra (even though a rather intact Manhattan is clearly visible in some of the outside shots and Central Park in others). People in rags fight and die until the evil rule of Dark One and his robot army, led by the incredibly campy and over the top Valaria (Angelica Jager).

Neo (Norris Culf) arrives at this hell on ..er.. New Terra and is persuaded to help Deeja (Nadine Hartstein) rescue her scientist father Klyton (J. Buzz von Ornsteiner) from the Dark One as he has invented a weapon to finally defeat the Dark One. Neo assembles a mixed crew of scantily clad heroes and an annoying robot to face a series of dangers and quite a few rather inept fights.

The plot alone means this film won't be a cinematic classic but films like New Barbarians had ropey plots too but were still great fun to watch. The main problem with Robot Holocaust is that it is all so lifeless and dreary. Fights are slow and pointless, the characters move between somewhat similar looking though apparently completely different areas of the "wasteland" slowly for no reason. It is a terrible film, one of the worst ever. It is however, well worth watching for Angelica Jager alone. An astonishing performance is more ways than one.

Mesa of Lost Women (1953)

A rather mediocre mad science horror, the only really scary thing is the soundtrack.

Scientist Aranya (Jackie Coogan) (and as this is a movie he is of course a mad scientist) is conducting twisted human experiments using spider venom to create a race of indestructible and obedient women. Another scientist called Dr Masterson (Harmon Stevens) discovers the vile experiments and is driven insane. He escapes the asylum and forces a group of people including Richard Travis and Paula Hill back to Aranya's bizarre desert lair...

This isn't a very good film. It's very slow moving and dull though does have some enjoyable science weirdness and 1950s style sleazy exotica. 

The main problem with this film though is the soundtrack, a short piece of music which is on continuous repeat throughout the movie and will make you irritable and on edge after five minutes.

Galaxina (1980)

A campy science-fiction comedy that unfortunately isn't that funny.

A police space cruiser captained by Captain Butt (Avery Schreiber) - the name features in a number of jokes, as does Uranus, thats the level of humour here - is sent into deep space to discover a jewel called the Blue Star which contains unimaginable power. 

His crew are mostly misfits except for gorgeous android Galaxina (Dorothy Stratten) who basically runs the ship. Indeed the rest of the crew seem more interested in getting stoned and getting their legs over with either alien prostitutes with three breasts or Galaxian herself...

The film meanders along fairly amicably, the weirdness keeps you interested. In some ways this film reminds me of Dark Star, though this film is no where near as good or funny. It needed to be a bit more subtle. 

It's watchable, pretty ridiculous but could have been so much more.

The Night the World Exploded (1957)

Low budget though not low interest science fiction.

Dr Conway (William Leslie) has developed a machine that can predict earthquakes. Unfortunately he has predicted that an earthquake is about to hit California in the next twenty four hours and even more unfortunately his machine appears to work when a quake does hit!

Conway's machine detects more imminent earthquakes but doesn't know what is causing these quakes. With his assistant Laura (Kathryn Grant), he descends into a cavern to see if he can discover the cause. He discovers a dangerous new element which could destroy the world in days...

This is a bit of a pedestrian film that takes a while to get going but ultimately is worth persevering with. An fairly intelligent science-fiction plot (for the period especially) and good use of stock footage overcomes the shortcomings with the budget. A reasonable little film.

Attack of the Super Monsters (1982)

These arn't just any old monsters, these are super monsters!

Evil Lord Tyrannos leads the Dinosaurs back to the surface of the Earth, having been living deep underground in secret all these years. He unleashes his monsters and waves of terrestrial mammals mutated by his evil powers on Earth to destroy mankind. He starts with a wave of red dogs. The only thing that can save humanity is, of course, four teenagers! Two of which have the Gemini power which means they merge using cyber power to become a super flying machine with drills.

You might have guessed by now that this is Japanese. The monsters are played by guys in rubber suits, destroyed cardboard buildings. The rest of the footage is anime and it can be a bit jarring at times switching between the two.

This film is made up of four episodes of a TV series (Dinosaur War Izenborg), each episode following the same formula so we get quite a bit of repetition. It is great fun though doesn't make a lot of sense, Tyrannos sounds terrific, though he it does seem like he needs something for his sore throat.

Plan 9 from Outer Space (1957)

The Citizen Kane of bad movies, a legend in the trash movie genre. But it is really that bad? Yes.

Flying saucers (wobbly ones at that) are visiting the Earth. For some reason they are bringing the dead back to life, including the rather unfortunate Bela Lugosi (this was indeed his last film). These zombies can be controlled by the aliens for their own nefarious ends. The police and military vaguely mill around and eventually confront the aliens including Vampira and Tor Johnson on their wobbly space saucer...

A very low budget film indeed, and often unintentionally hilarious (such as when a soldier is supposed to be standing in the open but you can see the wrinkles in the "sky" behind him). The acting veers between basic and terrible and the story is very confused (is this a science fiction film or a horror?) 

It is wonderful though because of that, it's cult classic status is well deserved. Everyone needs to see this film at least once.